It's An Awkward Age

Dear Aunt Babz,

i'm 12 yrs old and kinda gay (i think) i'm female and every now and then i'll go on the internet and type in something like penis, tits, sex or something like that but i cant help it!!!!!!! when something comes up or catches my eye i'll go on it... jst now i've been looking at stuff when i thought i had to stop it! pleeeeeze!! i'm desperate and in need of advice!!! please answer me! it's not my faault i make out with soft toys!!!!! please i'm crying so much lately because i feel guilty about this!!!

anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I can understand the guilt that is accompanying your actions, but don’t feel too badly. What you are doing is natural, and awkward, and definitely not gay.

You are twelve, and going into being a young adult has multitudes of questions. And most of them biologically is about the sexes. What do people look like, what does a penis look like, what does a vagina look like, what does sex look like. It’s all a natural part of growing up.

I would caution you to take it easy though. Sex and exploration doesn’t have to happen at such a young age. Take your childhood for a little longer, you will wish that you had later in life. And talk to your parents or to an adult that you trust. Talking about all the changes your body will be making and all the anxiety you feel over these new emotions can help you to work through them and not make it a shameful experience.

Don’t worry, you are normal. You’re just growing up.

Take care

~Xmichra~

Dear Anonymous,

I must agree with Xmichra, what you are doing and experiencing is quite normal. It's rather natural to want to know what things look like, as well in a comparative nature, you may feel drawn to looking at women. That does not mean you are gay. Nor does it mean you are gay because you prefer to look at women, ok?

For some young girls, soon to be women, it's an experimental time. You find yourself looking at things in the mirror and then possibly going online to see who, what, where things are. Is yours, similar or the same? Does it look normal? As I write this, I remember my own feelings and observations;

No two vagina's are alike, for starters. As well, there's no wrong or right look. What I mean is this; You have some that are thick and full. Some are high-n-tight. Some are pink, some are darker. You'll find every one is different. And it's ever changing. In example, it might be pink now but when you have children and mature, it may turn darker. There's no wrong or right, you see?

Consensus says, men have an opinion that ranges from liking a certain look to not caring at all, it's all favorable. But it stands to reason, a guy will be attracted to a certain type of girl just as you have an opinion as to the type of guy that you are attracted to.

While we're on the subject of attraction, let me make it clear to you that just because you find women more attractive does not mean a thing. At this age, it may feel safer. I can imagine a Penis may seem scary, big and menacing. It may very well be a turn off to you and you find yourself, in your search, looking more at women. While aesthetic beauty is something I still find an appreciation for, it does not mean you are gay. As well, looking at women may seem/feel safer?

Yes, you are too young to ever think that you will turn out/be gay. Give it some time. You may change your mind. Experimentation, you know the actual act of homosexuality, is also not outside the norm. You can not draw conclusions from that, as well. We all play, "Doctor," and may even go on to something a little more serious, a trumped up version of playing Doctor. It is when it persists and you find that you are not in any way, shape or form attracted to the opposite sex, that is a definition of actually being Gay. And then it becomes you and your pursuit of happiness entails it and finding someone who shares your feelings, hopes, dreams in a gay relationship.

Of course, most of us explore, as young people with the same sex and it is natural. Some grow out of it, some never do as the way they are hardwired dictates an attraction to the same sex. As well, some grow to enjoy both sexes and are Bi-sexual.

I encourage you to not jump to conclusions, especially at this young, impressionable and tender age. As well, while I think looking at pictures of a sexual nature is rather natural, I do discourage you from looking at Pornography. At 12 years old, it may taint your perception of what or how things should be. Porn does not show what a healthy sexual relationship is between a man and a woman. It can be degrading, especially for women. It does not depict the natural course of action between a man and a woman in a loving relationship.

I encourage you to wait for sexual relations. Sex is over rated. Love making is never wrong between two healthy adults, hopefully in a monogamous relationship. Notice that word, "Adults." I lost my virginity at 12. I thought I was a woman. I was not nor did I know as much as I thought I did. Live and learn. But I do hope you'll learn from our mistakes. I hope you will heed the warnings that you might hear, of the tales of those who became pregnant at a young age and how it changed the very course of their lives. It happened to me and I can remember thinking, "Oh, that'll never happen to me!" But why wouldn't it? I mean since the dawn of time, it's the nature of man and woman.

You have sexual relations/intercourse just once and you become pregnant. That's all it takes, it's so simple, yet we scoff of the idea that it will happen to us...till it does. Then, it may be too late. All your aspirations go right out the window. Most guys at a young age, don't get it either. Then their girlfriend gets pregnant and their lives are changed as well. Quite often though, the girl gets left behind to raise a child they did not plan for and the guy goes on the list of Child Support Dead Beat Dad's. He is forever resentful because YOU got pregnant and now he has to pay. They attach his wages and take the money. Even if he does stick around, he often thinks he's still single and wants to run wild with the fella's and carry on. All the while, you are at home stuck with a crying baby. You've done everything to try to make the baby stop crying but it's 2am and he just wants to cry. Or maybe he has an earache, it hurts and you can't tell why he won't stop crying. You are exhausted but you can't sleep when your child is crying. Daddy's still out with the boys playing X-Box and it's all on you, every day. There is no turning back, kiss your life, as you knew it good-bye. Selah

We won't even go into the diseases you'll get from that guy that doesn't look sick. Or the fact that he's slept around and every girl he's slept with, you now sleep with because if he got a disease three girls ago, he's going to give it to you. But he looked good, huh? Little did you know, he was infected with AIDS?HIV. See, until you are actually ding from the effects of HIV, with todays meds, a person doesn't look sick. Then in their last days, they become thin and sickly looking, maybe you can even see Karposi's Sarcoma? But "he didn't look sick," is all you're left saying.

When I write these posts, I often write from experience and I write hoping others will read it. I also often tell it like it is and reveal painful things in the hopes that you or someone else won't have to endure what I did. People and things can be deceptive. Think before you do, that's all. Don't be like me, a woman who grew up too quickly with child at 16 years old. Don't be stupid like I was. I shared a needle because of my addiction to Heroin. Yes, I tried it and the very first time, I thought it spoke to my soul, cured all my ailments. Little did I know it would be my own demise. Yes, I shared a needle with someone who looked healthy. I didn't heed the warnings, neither did my first or second husband. I have Hep C because of this. My first husband has already died from Hep C, a painful and terrible thing to watch. Especially, knowing you have the same disease and may die just like that, painfully slow.

I guess I'm telling you...don't grow up too fast. There's no joy in adulthood that is rushed.

More Reading...

Getting Unstuck


Words To Live By

Never Had Chocolate???

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hello

I really dont ever know were to start. I am a mother of 1 that has realized that I can not connect with men. For years I have wanted the touch of a woman. I love all the things about a woman. I grew up in a christian home were lesbianism is wrong.I was talking with a friend and I told her how I felt and she said that I was a lesbian. I cant get sexual pleasure from a man at all I have a hard time giveing myself to a man. I even lost interest in my childs father.We have been broken up for a year.I find my self getting overly excited while looking at a woman.What excites me the most is the form and the beauty of a woman. Is there something wrong with me I feel as though I am loseing my mind trying to figure out what to do. I cant seem to get women off my mind I have no interest in men only woman.

Please help!!

Dear Please Help,

Let me start with one simple answer: there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

There are plenty of women and men who feel the same as you. And there are plenty of normal reactions that you feel. In fact, I know of several women who feel excited or love the female frame. And it is something that you can either choose to ignore and possibly avoid happiness, or you can embrace that feeling and let it take you to something that you never knew was possible.

There is the possibility that you are bi-sexual, or that you need to get this urge to be with a woman filled. I will relate to my own experience here, but it doesn’t mean that this is where you are. See, before I met my husband I had sex with a woman. It wasn’t because I was gay (though I see no problem with that) I just wanted to know what it would feel like to lay with this woman I met. And I can recall that evening with more clarity then any boyfriend before her, and with very good reason. It was so intricate and so… romantic. That it will stay with me forever.

Of course since this encounter I have met my best friend and lover, and he is amazing… and I couldn’t possibly think of straying or choosing a woman over him. And that is the point that I am getting too. I know that for women (mostly) sex is not always thought of as a connection of body, but a connection of minds. And it can be something very special when the soul is involved. And I do know of one particular female friend of mine who has been married and happily so, to a man for ten years now.. but regrets not “experimenting” when she was younger. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s something to seriously think about in respect to future relationships.

Lets take something really silly here as an example. Say that you had never tried chocolate before. You diligently ate your meals with all the food groups, and were very satisfied.. and knew that it was good for you and your body. But you just know that others have eaten chocolate.. and you love the smell, the many varieties, the look of the displays and fountains. Would you completely deny that you wanted a taste? Or would you dip in to see if you did enjoy it? Of course, you may still love your meals a little more then the chocolate, or you might become a chocolate lover. But either way, you are not pining over what you ‘could have’ had/done.

You see what I am getting at here?

Now as for the family issues, I know that lesbianism (or being gay in general) is offensive to a lot of religious people. But, if they don’t let their religion dictate HOW they love a person then you might be making more out of this then you can imagine. Sure, there is the possibility that they will not talk to you… but this is your happiness that we are talking about. So make your choices, and then write your parents a letter explaining how alone you feel. Explain that this choice has nothing to do with disregarding what they have taught you. That they have taught you to be loving and in search of happiness, and that you feel happy with this choice, and wish they could feel the same.

I would write a letter to them after you had spoken to them though, for one reason: they might not react the way you think they will. Some people who are very religious actually don’t care if people are gay. Seriously. They just want their loved ones to be happy, and still remain connected with God. Now, you might not know where your parents are in this mind set, but if you go into a conversation assuming the worst you can offend and upset. So go into it knowing that you have a back up plan (the letter) if things don’t go well.. but that you are giving them the benefit of thinking your choices are fine.

Let us know how things pan out, and don’t be afraid to make this choice. You don’t ever want to regret not following your heart.

Real or Memorex

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

a while ago me and my friend eva got very drunk and some guy in a bar

convinced us to make out with each other. ever since then we've been

touching each other playfully, but we've always said we just do this to make

fun of all those guys who get turned on by girl on girl stuff. last night,

though, me, eva and a third friend were watching a movie and it was cold, so

we used a blanket. me and eva started touching each other's thighs again and

first it was like usual, like o make fun of it. but then we started touching

each other between our legs and e did that for like an hours and somehow it

didn't feel like a joke anymore because. we were really close to each other

and i think she really enjoyed it because she started to breathe faster. i

also really liked it but now i don't know what to do because i don't want

this to affect our friendship. i don't know how serious that was. what do you

think?

Thanks

Dear Friend,

Once you cross a certain line, whether it be heterosexual, Bi or homosexual, the variables will change. Is it platonic? Platonic, often turns sour, believe it or not.

I think, in both hetero and homosexual frindships, once you throw sex into the mix, it does change. Now, if you were only doing this, for entertainment but feel uncomfortable, you need only to say that you don't roll like that. You may also tell your friend, that you are concerned about your friendship and want to just remain friends.

I do believe if you kinda like it and entertain it, it will continue. Most of us go through sexual experimentation, that is quite natural. Now, you must decide if this is Real or Memorex, a fake fun way to spend an evening. What I mean is this; If you do not feel the same way, as in becoming serious, be cautious and do not put yourself, back in the situation. It may die down. Or you can simply be up front and tell her, you don't want to ruin your friendship. I would say that or use that as a premise to how you feel.

Just as in any relationship, even with the same sex, if you do not want to do something, you must find it in yourself to say NO!