"My Life"

Because Aunt B cusses sometimes!

Dear Aunt Babz,

To whom it may concern,

I need advice, and up until now I can't seem to find logical answers to my dilemma. It concerns my job and my health, and I am almost at the end of my rope. I will explain.

I am a 52 yr. old male, college educated, and work in the maintenance dept. of a local hospital as a maintenance mechanic. I am responsible for repairing and maintaining all the machinery in the hospital and it's surrounding facilities. Among them being all housekeeping equipment, all laundry equipment, some kitchen equipment, hospital beds, exhaust fans, water pumps, air handlers (heating and cooling), compressors, and sump pumps. This list is so overwhelming to me it has begun to severely stress me out. My blood pressure is out of control, although I am on medication, my weight has increased by about 50 lbs. since starting this job, and I feel trapped with nowhere to go. I have frequent migraines, and in fact today I called in sick because of it. I have missed a lot of work due to these headaches, and if it weren't for the Family Medical Leave Act, I would likely have lost my job by now. Last year I missed 43 days due to severe headaches, and I have missed 4 days this year (month) already.

In the beginning these responsibilities were split between me and another mechanic, but in March the other person is going to retire and our supervisor has pretty much given all of his work to me as well. What makes this job even more stressful is that when it was "given" to me I was totally unqualified to do the job. I was literally forced to take the position. Our hospital has a union, in which I am a part of, and in 1998 there was a strike over benefits and other issues. During this strike certain employees must have done things on the picket line that didn't agree with management, so when the strike ended they felt they had a "score" to settle with these employees. So once we were all back to work, the management began shuffling people around to get to the people they had targeted.

Jobs were eliminated, people were laid off, and in my case, I was called in to the boss' office and "strongly encouraged" to take another position (my current, mechanic job), which in his words it was "in my best interest" to take the job, otherwise my current position could be eliminated and I would be unemployed. Apparently I was "in the way" of a certain employee who had more seniority than I, but to get to them I had to be moved out of the way. I enjoyed my previous position, mostly because it had a lot less responsibility attached to it, although the pay was much less. Last year I made a little over $51,000, which isn't bad for a single person working in this particular area of the country. I have worked at this hospital for 29 years, and over those years my pay has increased steadily, and I have basically gone as far as I can go on the so-called "ladder of success" at this hospital. And I use the word "success" with tongue-in-cheek.

My health has suffered greatly while at this position, and I don't have to tell you how hard it would be to leave and find anything else that even comes close to my current income, especially with the current state of the economy in this country. I have considered selling everything I own, which in a lifetime one accumulates a certain amount of things as his/her career progresses. I have a home, 2 vehicles (car and truck), and live comfortably on my income.

So that is it in a nutshell. I don't know if I should quit, sell everything, and move into a small apartment, or do something more drastic. I have thought of suicide, and yes, I know that is pretty drastic. But at this time I don't think I could go that far, mostly because I have a dog that I absolutely adore and couldn't leave because she needs me. (ha ha) But I am desperately looking for a way out of this situation. The local job service suggested going back to school and learning another trade, but with me being 52 now, and probably being at least 54 or older when getting out of school, the chances of anyone wanting to hire a person in this advanced age and paying them very much would be very remote. So that idea doesn't seem logical..

I know it is a very complex problem, and I have struggled for a long time trying to come up with a solution. I have been to counseling, talked to my pastor, and even tried talking to my bosses about this. My bosses don't seem to care about my personal issues, and in my opinion they are just waiting on me to "crack". And I don't mind telling you that I feel I am getting close to a nervous breakdown, but I keep trying to fight it.

Sorry this is so long, but with all that is going on I couldn't have condensed the story to make any sense of it, so this is how it turned out.

What are your thoughts?

Sincerely,
Gary



Dear Gary,

I am not 53, but I completely know what you are talking about, 100%. See here is a little insight into the realm of Xmichra’s real world: I hate my current position and it has been horrid on my health too. I had a very great position, worth a lot less money, before I took on this “assignment” and have regretted it almost every day since ( I think I was in shell shock the first week).

My job now is very stressful, very time consuming, and not at all where my passion is. I was in a very similar situation to you regarding the job offer, and sincerely wish I hadn’t taken it. I am currently on maternity leave, and thank the gods because this break is needed for me to figure out what I can do and can’t do (because like you, I do need money to live and this job has it).

I understand the dynamic of this economy (even though I do live in Canada, it is still affecting us as well) and the hesitancy to leave a stable and profitably employer. But when you get to the point where you are, and that is to say you would consider taking your own life as a way out, then you HAVE to think about solutions that albeit are scary to undertake, are necessary.

You mentioned that you didn’t feel schooling would be a good option, but I disagree. I know of quite a few people who have gone back to school in their later years to improve their knowledge (and resume) and have had success in finding a well paying job afterwards. There is something to be said for a person who has lived a life, held a job for over 20 years, can change and learn, and still enjoys learning. And that is definitely something that as a person who employees others, I would look at very positively. And I know others do as well. But if you don’t want to go back to school (which is fine) there is a bit of a crunch out there for work, so you would be thinking about “in the mean time” while you were unemployed. This may take a long time, so make sure that you can still remain comfortable while in transition.

I will ask though, have you seen the doctor about all this?? I am assuming that you are covered by health care (most union workers are) for things like long term disability. And with the amount of times you miss work due to headaches/migraines; you should be seeing a doctor every single time and getting that documented. You should also get things like weight gain and depression looked after. Seriously, if the job is that bad for your health and you feel like you cannot lose your job because of this economy so you have to go.... well you may want to look into getting a documented case for LTD. Just a suggestion.

Ultimately you want to make a choice here, and you know what it is. You don’t want to do this job anymore. So now you need a way out, that is good for your life. Because really, why would you want to commit suicide? You have the means to downgrade your living expenses and to leave the job, which would fix your situation to enjoy your life. And that is the point right? To enjoy your life. Sometimes we have to take drastic measures to ensure our own happiness and well being, and this is one situation where I think you have given ample amounts of thought into things, and you know what you would have to do in order to live well.

There will be no safety net, and you know this. So you need to rely on your own assets and skills. You can and will find another job (maybe not one as high paying) and you can downsize your expenses. You have the ability to try something new. You also have the right (check with your union on timing) to take an unpaid leave of absence to figure things out (usually for 3 months). So use your union for the better, take the chances you need to take, and get your life back!

Good Luck, and I hope you find your happiness again.

~Xmichra.



Dear Gary,

I pray I am given the very words to calm your Spirit. I can feel that you are at your wits end. I can also appreciate your effort in taking the time to write us here at Aunt B.

Just now, I caught myself reading Xmichra's answer(before I post and write to you), a no-no in my book but damn if I wasn't curious as to what she responded to you. I had to walk away from the computer so I wouldn't cheat. She does give sound advice especially in this niche, her specialty.

Momentarily, it will seem off the subject but I'd found out, rather recently, that my Orthopedic Surgeon, Richard S. Goodman, MD, JD, has died. He was a renowned Long Island/NYC Clinical Chairman of Surgery at SABA University School of Medicine as well as his private practices. More importantly, to me at least, he was a good man whom I was quite fond of. I am rather devastated and at such a loss but I found myself recalling our many conversations.

I went to his office approximately once a month for follow-up and almost always engaged in rather stimulating conversation every time. I highly anticipated these visits and in fact would think about what I might ask him long before I drove to his office. The man was a wealth of knowledge, extremely blunt and forthright but I learned something from him every single time I went to his Practice in Smithtown, N.Y. I guess that it astounded me how he would take such time to talk with me when I knew he had people out in the office waiting for him.

The time before last, if I recall correctly, I'd asked him one of my "frustrated journalist" type questions; "Are you happy in your Profession?" Now, I should have said "Profession(s)" because he was not only a Doctor but an Attorney as well. Dr. Goodman was often called upon as an expert witness in numerous medical cases.

The Doctor was an older gentleman and he'd, obviously been around the block a time or two. He scoffed at my question. Basically, he explained, that the medical profession was certainly not nor did it resemble anything it used to be or how it was designed.

It is not verbatim but he stated, unequivocally that they, the Doctors/Specialists were plagued with paperwork and locked into certain criteria because of insurance regulations.

Less and less time is afforded the patients while the bulk of his time was spent on diagnosis codes and insurance papers. Where there should have been further allowance for Doctor/Patient visitation and relations, he'd found himself having to spend too much time and effort in the "insurance" part of it.

They're locked into whatever the insurance companies/HMO's dictate and the patient has a much smaller degree in visitation with their Doctor. All the while, the insurance companies profit and get richer and richer whilst the Art of Medicine suffers amongst the politics of it all.

We talked for quite some time that day, per usual and I paid attention to his every word. I've gone on since then, painfully aware of the "Politics" of it all. The point being, in this situation is that I was not aware before of the games, the politics in the Medical Industry, i.e., hospitals and so on.

I can clearly see that you are a victim of such games and politics, huh? Yes, the good Doctor has enlightened me once again because had it not been for that conversation with Dr. Goodman, I might not understand fully, this political bullshit you are dealing with. And that is, without a doubt exactly what it is; Bullshit to the 9th power.

I am not certain that there's any easy answer to this question you have posed. What I can and will say is that, "You only live once. Why not try to be happy?" So, what would or could it take to get you to some semblance of happiness?

More prevalent, to me is; what can we/you do to keep you from the mindset of becoming suicidal? Yes, that, your words speak volumes to me and I do feel your pain. I take it real serious too as I've been on that side of the fence, actually sitting on it, teetering back and forth between the pain of it all and the selfishness of the act itself. At the time though, all I could feel was the pain, it blinded me from the true significance of it all.

Having said this, broaching the subject head-on, I will tell you that, for you to even write those words, I knew that you are in such pain. It is unfathomable, this pain both physical and emotional that you are going through. I hope you will read my words to you and read them with a warm and hearing heart...

First and foremost, we must get those headaches manageable. I've suffered through and with 5 different types of diagnosed headaches, myself and without a doubt, that's enough for someone to want to extinguish the light, in and of itself. So, I can somewhat relate.

Most of us "Want what we want, when we want it," meaning we want it right now and in a hurry. I am no exception. I want it yesterday! But I think some of these things, the trappings, comings and goings of your life will have to be addressed one thing, one minute at a time.

There could be several factors, things that are causing your headaches, which I'm sure you are aware. In my own case, I stated that I had several different types and although I could be wrong, I do believe that you are lumping different pain/headaches into one category; Migraine.

What I am saying is that if it is an actual migraine, there are medications, good meds for treatment but they are certainly not one and the same,(migraines vs headache). It is highly possible that you are experiencing high blood pressure headaches as well as muscle tension, all of which require different attention as well as understanding of their difference. Each and every one of these can be debilitating, in and of itself.

The stress factors in your life are enough to cause headache all by themselves. Even the very thought or anticipation of headache is enough to send someone into a tailspin.

Personally, I have to do several things just to get through my own day. I am on blood pressure meds too and oddly enough, my pain usually causes my BP to go up.

I start my day thusly; I turn on the espresso machine and then I put my heat bag in the microwave. (Here's a nifty idea to make your own) If you are not crafty, as most guys are not, I suggest purchasing one. I've had a rice bag as well as a bag made with corn. I can't imagine life without one of these. As I said, I wake up and use the heated bag and through out the day, especially if I type a lot, I will heat it up again and put the bag around my neck. It really makes a difference in the amount as well as the severity of my headaches.

Stress in and of itself can debilitate, don't you know? Stress kills, causes disorders, heart attacks and how we handle every day stress makes all the difference. This statement comes from a woman, myself, who's been diagnosed with P.T.S.D. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (w/hypervigilance). Panic attacks are an every day occurrence for me. So, it's no bullshit to say that I come from a place of experience as well as a few pointers.

Becoming aware of the things that stress you is of the utmost importance. It seems to me that you have pretty much narrowed it down, primarily, as your job.

Mentioning that I am aware of the politics involved in/at your establishment is for a reason. I realize that you can not just complain and change things. Besides it basically involving a complaint which will fall on deaf ears, I'm sure you are aware. Those that are deemed complainers are usually blacklisted and in some ways put on the same list as whistle blowers. So, what can you do?

For starters, you must come to a place of happiness, where you begin to look out for numero uno. Your first source, your first destination has got to be a knowing a presence of mind that happiness is simply a state of mind.

What I am saying is that I have met, particularly women who were doing "Life" but had found that place of happiness or rather, they "chose" to be happy. But how is that possible Babz?

Choices

When it's all said and done, anything and everything in life comes down to choices. We can choose to be happy in the worst of situations or the exact opposite. When faced with the firing squad, in example, we can choose to be graced with the idea that it'll only hurt for a second, if that. Or we can over analyze it, like I am famous for(I talk myself out of this over psychoanalysis on the daily) and stand there debating who it is that will fire the blank, how bad it's gonna hurt, is it gonna be a big mess, omg what if they miss. This is typical behavior of the infamous "Say'ers™."

Every day we are faced with choices. Often times we can't or don't see those choices. We also have doors or windows of opportunity as I'm sure you can look back in retrospect and see where you felt you were locked into a situation. You just could not see those choices. But again, every day we must choose to be "do'ers" or we can be "say'ers."
[Aunt B terminology™]

I'll start with what I lovingly call the "Say'ers™." Say'ers are the kind of people and I know you've had the misfortune to have met. Some are just dripping with negativity. They are the kind of people who sit in their own shit and complain how really really bad it stinks. They are usually the first ones to point out, as well, just how bad your shit stinks, too!

They bitch and moan about their lives to anyone and everyone who will listen. Watch as they single handedly ruin your sunny disposition, yes, they're enough to piss off a Preacher. They'll stomp the piss out of any positive feedback too, telling you that it won't work, you're full of shit and don't ya know, they know it all.

The funniest statement these Say'ers proudly proclaim to you is, "Your first mistake was thinking I could ever make a mistake." And I do believe that half their problem is that they worry too much.

The "Do'ers™" in this life will just do the dang thing. They'll search diligently for the "Silver Lining" in all situations. Faced with a negative situation, they will turn it around, even if it's in their own mind and make it palatable, make it work for them.

Faced with that same, at sunrise firing squad, the "Do'ers™" will offer coffee and "of course it's no trouble to make 12 Latte's." They're the ones that will comfort you by pointing out that there's no hard feelings and for real, one of you has a blank so don't you worry about that guilt, I'm already working on forgiving you.

Now, don't mistake the "Do'ers™"for patsy's, as they are far from it. No, the difference is that they'll take charge of their own environment. They realize that life in and of its self is a state of mind. And they'll make the very best out of a reasonably bad situation. They are not "worry free" but tend to realize that sometimes you have no control, come what may, all else is filed under the category, "Let Go & Let God."

Yours is a reasonably bad situation. But I can tell that you are a "Do'er™" I just wanted to remind you. I'm also not playing the "Power of Postive Thinking" card on you. Yet at the same time, that is exactly what you need to do, think positively. I just don't want you to think that as I'm writing you, it's all some bullshit mantra to tide you over.

Because life is a state of mind and home is where you hang your heart, I suggest that you begin to see it as such. You must begin a journey, open a new chapter, in this book, "My Life."

Right now, you are overwhelmed by it all. Begin to break it all down, assess it, in and of its self, meaning, take each individual problem and view it separately. Then, work on one piece at a time. I would start with the headaches.

Don't give up or give into these headaches as they will rule you. Be your own advocate concerning them. Take the tips I'd given you, prior, seriously. Most men tend to scoff at such things, for whatever reason...and suffer. Why suffer?

When you feel a headache coming on, pop a couple of Motrin and dammit if nothing else, get an old sock fill it with rice and cloves, tie a knot in the end of it and heat the sock for two minutes. Do this as a preventive measure. When you come home from work, first thing you do is put this stupid sock around your neck<<---I just read your mind, hahaha! I promise not to tell and really, isn't it just smart to take charge of your situation, namely those confounded headaches? If you can cut these headaches out, your first line of business is battled. If you treat yourself right, when you get home from work, you'll be better for it and there's a good possibility that you'll be headache free in the mornings. I am 50 so I can relate, concerning your age and starting over. Rather, I understand you not wanting to go back to school, although it may come to that. Again, it is all a mind set. If you think about it, it's really never too late to do anything if you choose to do it because the outcome is positive and it'll make you happy or help you in some way. The question here, then becomes; "what will it take for you to find some happiness?"

Just for the sake of security, I would do or rather begin to implement a strategy, one you've mentioned of sorts; Downsizing.

Might I also mention that you've got to be ahead of their game. The very best way you can beat them is with your own state of mind.

Now, repeat after me; You will not allow them to get you down. You will not allow them to own you, your life or your happiness.

The choices we decide to follow through with in this life, of course are not always the right ones. We live, we love, we learn, we laugh, especially at ourselves, right?

Look for the laughter, please, my friend! Search diligently for something every day that makes you laugh.
Comedy Central's Jokes.com
This is actually my own rule, one which I do preach and follow. At night, I always find something to make me laugh. In my search, it takes my mind off of things, laughter is good for the soul.

I suppose I've not really given you an answer but rather a state of mind. How you proceed from this moment further can and will shape the things to come. No, this is not some feel good package all rolled up, tied with a pretty bow.

One things for certain; You can own you or they can own you. You can choose to be positive or you can allow them to take you down. Personally, if I have my way, you'll begin a regimen of self healing, self preservation and self motivation.

One more thing. It is my own quote, one which I am extremely fond of, an approach to life. Think about this;

"Some say the glass of water is half empty.
Some say the glass of water is half full.
I say, I am just grateful for the water."

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz





More Reading;

Stress Related Disorders

Box of Laughter Smiles and Love

Dear Aunt Babz,

Ok I really need your helps..I really like this boy..he's the cousin of my cousin but it doesn't mean that he's my cousin.I reeeeeaaaaaaaally like him so much.I can't stop thinking about him!I can't ask him out I'm so shy so I told my friends and others to do it and they all said that he said no so I heard him told one of my friend yes but I should ask him.So when I asked him he said no!!!Why???I'm so confused,depressed,sad,and desperate!!!He's really my inspiration!Everybody think that he's ugly but for me he's so so cute!


Hey Friend,

I will sure do what I can to help :). Well, you said you asked him, correct? And he said no, right? As for why he said no, I do not know. I'm going to be completely 100% honest with you, he may have been a little uncomfortable with your friends asking him what he thought of you before you asked him. It can sometimes be confusing how some people react and what they say, and it can be sad. However, being desperate can also sometimes scare some people off. I understand you are shy, believe me I completely understand that, but if you start talking to him, just saying "hi", and "how are you", you'll get to know him, and you'll become less and less shy around him the more you talk to him. You'll get to know him and maybe become a couple, or at the worst be friends, and maybe later you'll become a couple. Just remember that everything takes time.

I hope to have given you a little help, and I hope it all works out great for you. Take care. Peace.


mb3

Dear Reader,

If a guy is cute to you, then that's all that matters. Never base your thoughts or reasoning on what other people think. This is especially true when it comes to peer pressure; always do what you know is right and follow your heart.

Now, this guy was probably embarrassed at least that's what I think but I bet he likes you. Don't be or act desperate. I agree with mb3, your behavior may have scared him off. Never be desperate, ok?

I have the sneaking suspicion that if you take it easy, one minute at a time, that this guy, once he gets to know you will see just how sweet you really are. You are a very genuine person, a loyal friend and a good listener (very important) but you must learn some restraint, some discipline when it comes to your heart.

The sun does not rise and set on this guy but his smile may be the most wonderful thing you've ever seen. So, be you without the "I have to have it/him now" attitude, learn some patience and practice looking in the mirror and telling yourself that you are worth it for some special guy. Maybe it's not this guy but a certain guy will come along who is all that and a box of laughter, smiles and love.

One more thing; I would really be pleased if you would do two things for me. For starters, do your homework and read some of the posts I have on Empowerment as I really think you could be a powerhouse of a young woman once you learn to be assertive. Secondly, write me when you meet the right guy...he's not that far away...


Keeping It Real,


Aunt Babz

"Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls"

No One Is Better

Dear Aunt B,

So theres this girl in my grade, amanda, and she literaly gets all the guys. Shes not ugly, but shes not drop dead gorgeous, if you know what i mean. She has a few extra pounds. Shes always saying how shes so self concious, but she still gets all the guys. She is 14 and has had atleast 15 boyfriends in about 3 or 4 years. I know some of them dont really count, because it was in about 5th grade but still! I can't stand her. There is this new guy in my grade who i think is wicked hot. And she is all over him. I'm so sick of it. It's so old. And he like loves her! She has alot of classes with him and i dont have any. She talks to him on myspace all the time too. What can i do to get him to talk to me? And why are all the guys in my grade obsessed with amanda? -Sick of it


Hey Sick of It,

Well, you said that she's had around 15 boyfriends in the past few years. And now you say that there's a guy that you think is really hot, and he likes her. If history repeats itself, they probably won't be together for too long. I can definitely see where you'd be sick of her always getting all the boys though. And I can definitely see where it's frustrating that she has a lot of classes with him, and you don't have any, but unfortunately there's nothing you can do about that.

To answer your questions, the first one, how can you get him to talk to you? Just talk to him. You don't need to wait for him to come talk to you, or do something that will make him talk to you. You can go talk to him, see what he's about. You can also go on MySpace or Facebook and talk to him. And if you don't have either of those, talk to him on the phone, or email. As for your second question, they're obsessed with her, well that's guys. See a beautiful girl and talk to her. And you said she's not drop dead gorgeous, but everybody has their own tastes. And maybe they all talk to her because she has a great personality. I understand where you might not see it, because all the guys are gaga over her, but to the guys, she could very well be fun to talk to and hang around.

Well, I hope I was able to answer you a little, give you a little advice, and really, all you have to do is talk to him. That's the best I can tell you, get to know him between classes. I hope it works out for you!

Peace,

mb3

Dear Sick of It,

It all comes down to how you think and act, how you carry yourself. If you feel like crap and act like you feel like crap about yourself, crap you shall be. But if you look in the mirror, adjust how you feel and realize that no one and I mean no one is better than you, you'll walk away a different person. You must always be real with yourself, improve what you can, work with what God gave you and treat others as you want them to treat you.

See, Amanda lives her life in an assertive manner. Assertive chicks get what they want. You must also become assertive. How bad do ya want it?

I would say that life and our perception of it is probably 90% fiction and 10% fact. It's all in how we perceive other people and as well as, how they perceive us. If you carry yourself with confidence, a confident young woman you shall be. You must begin to empower yourself, your reality with an understanding that, as I stated before, no one is better than you. You must begin to exude this confidence, the kind of confidence that when you walk in the room, people notice. This comes from believing in yourself. So Aunt B, how do I "empower myself?"

You've lived this long, being you and who knows you better than you? So, only you can make these life changes and only you have the power to make it happen. It's all a matter of how strongly you want it? You will not suffer for doing your homework and reading as many tags (keywords on my sidebar) concerning empowerment. I have 21 posts with the label "Empowerment," 8 on empowerment advice and 19 on empowerment practices. Please read some of these and begin to redefine yourself.

I believe every word of what I write. As well, I once was a young woman with an awful sense of self-esteem. It took me years to figure out that no one was better than me. It took me years to understand that I am three people;

I am who you think I am,
I am who I think I am,
I am who I really am.

You may be whomever you choose to be. This is true even if you really felt ugly, not so bright, not the funniest person or whatever. It all depends on how you choose to carry yourself. You see that Amanda is not the prettiest thing to walk down the pike yet she's able to get the guy. Why is that? It is because she believes in herself.

The secret is; Once you begin to see what it is that I'm talking about, once you begin to believe in it and are willing to set goals for your own self-esteem, well, G-Friend, you are gonna RULE!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Become That Woman

Dear Aunt B,

In the beginning of this school year i met my new classmate, R. He was a rich boy and he had many friends in the school. When I met him i liked him, but I didn’t get on well with him. One day I asked him to give me his phone number and he gave it to me. That day I talked with him via messages, about 30. I was very happy because I liked him. The following day we talked via messages, too. At last I told him that I love him… And he started to touch my legs and ass at school……. Of course I didn’t let him to do this, but I didn’t do my best to stop him. And he started to give me messages with “i love you”. I really wanted to him to love me. After two months of “touches” he was with a girl, A. She was the school’s b**ch and he liked her. He didn’t give me any messages and he became indifferent with me… And he is still indifferent in the current moment and I am still loving him. What can I do to get out of his life that girl, A.? What can I do to make him loving me? Please answer!

Kisses, Mirra.
Dear Mirra,

I'm not sure if I have an answer for you but I do have a few questions, maybe a few suggestions;

While I realize that you say you love him, do you really love him? I ask this because somehow I feel he's not the guy for you. I just have this feeling that he's a player, the kind of guy that's out for the "thrill of the kill" and nothing more. Once he feels he conquered you or he won your heart, he moved on to the next. My Intuitions are usually right so I ask you to take a look at what I suggest.

Having said this and I may be wrong but it won't hurt you to look at things with the possibility that I might be on target. Then, if I am right, you must do what you can to move on with the realization that Mr. Right is right around the corner. Actually though, I feel you'll date several Mr. Right's before you will find "The Mr. Right." You will have the pick of the litter. You didn't know this, huh?

One thing I feel is that you don't see yourself as an attractive young lady. While, on one hand you know you are attractive, more often than not, you have doubts as to your inner beauty which of course is the more important of the two. You are still grappling with who you are, what you will be and where you are going in life. Yes, you have a lot of self doubt and a few self esteem issues to contend with.

Knowing this, I would make you aware of the fact that you've probably latched on to "the idea" of this guy because he was really the first guy that validated you and made you feel a bit sexy, wanted and desirable. But you don't need him to be the sexy you. And you won't need him to feel wanted or desirable, I guarantee this. Also let me point out that the real deal lies in you, being you and certainly not being anything you are not. In other words, Mr. Right will see you as you are and love every inch. You won't have to push yourself on him and you sure won't have to act sexy. No, that will be a personal file you'll only reveal when the time is right. He'll be attracted to you and not some girl who's trying to act sexy or sex him up.

I hope you can see things for what they really are? Now, in the event that you can't, you must never throw yourself at this guy. No, you must learn to be mysterious. You must lure him in with body language. You make him think with your eyes. It is possible to communicate all and everything to a guy without ever uttering a word. Say nothing but convey how you feel with your eyes.

Take notice as to how most girls act, you know the ones that are trying to get the attention of some guy. They are often obnoxiously loud, showing off and carrying on. Most guys are actually turned off by this. Sure they do notice you but not in a good way. They'll often think how immature that girl is acting, a big turn-off.

Always carry yourself with a splash of dignity, a dab of virtue, wrapping yourself in your womanhood. Mind your words and don't engage in mindless chatter in front of guys. Measure your vocabulary. Without seeming pretentious, hold your head up, your chest out, stomach in, one foot in front of the other and walk with that air of a woman/young lady who's sure footed, strong and knows where she's going. It may seem foreign to you, at first but the eventuality of it is that you will become that woman.

You will get what you want in life, yes, who you want, when you are able to enhance your own beauty with these inner enrichments. You are a multi-faceted woman, you just need to bring it to the surface, for all to see. And see it, they will as soon as you begin to believe it yourself. Become this woman.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Mirra,

I think that maybe this guy you speak of has decided to ignore your feelings and just go for another girl. Were you two dating? You never specified. Because If you weren’t dating… and nothing was resolved in specifying a relationship “title” (for lack of better terms)… seems to me like you two were casual “touch” buddies. Which may not be what you wanted. But it is how this sounds.

Either way, the boy sounds like he wants to go on to another relationship and not continue with you. If he did, he would have called you (or messaged you). But, if you feel compelled to try and seek a relationship with him, just ask him on a date. Worst case scenario, he says he’s not interested, but then you would have at least tried and you would know. Best case scenario he says yes, and you two can talk about what you want and if there is a potential for a relationship.

My advice though? Next time you think you like a boy, say something. Be clear. Don’t put yourself and your sexuality out like a doormat. There are plenty of guys out there who would love to have a casual ‘thing’ with a girl. But sounds to me like you aren’t that type of girl… and don’t want to be treated like that. So filter your relationships a little better and don’t give yourself to a guy who isn’t into you and isn’t committed to you. You will only get hurt in the end if you do that.

Take care

~Xmichra

Choose To Be You

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hey, after asking the question again and again but never getting an answer or being to ashamed to ask the people around me, i finally come to my lovely computer. please help, its a very long and confusing story, at least too long for me.

oh, and can you please reply back via email, my computer wont bookmark any sites or keep history.

ok, try to make it short and i ask that you try not to be to judemental about it because i just sort of slip into things from time to time. Just read till the end cause its more than one thing and it just all came to me a few days after i went out for Marti Gras. Ok, i'm almost out of highschool, never had a boyfriend but been around plenty of guys i can click with. I might just not attract many guys as it is, but i'm not sure if it's bad luck or attitude or what? Something always happens at the last moment. Either we can't see each other again, things cool off, or some other girl moves in or just something really random. With the guy i took to homecoming, i really liked him and we went as friends. one of my friends asked him to a sorority dance at homecoming, he said yes, and met his current girlfriend on the dance floor. now she is keeping me away from him and wont even look at me. When we do have to talk about english projects, she will bring him up randomly. "I have no idea what i'm going to do with james this week end" i smoove it over, i have to "well it's pretty cold out, he might just want to stay in or see a movie" but it still make me want to kill her. She has done this before. I feel like i can only get whats left after she is done. I don't even know how she does it, she isn't that atractive and snaps at people constantly. sorry if i'm brooding. The next thing that happened, i kinda like this guy in my chem class, but he is really shy, so am i, a little, and he is impossible to get to. i was pretty optimistic about getting closer to him till i over herd his conversation with an older girl in our class, i wasn't ease dropping, i cant help it if she sits right by me and almost yells it. "I wouldn't give you 2 more than a month, you never see each other, never talk, and have you seen her dorm, its a total sh*t hole" looks like he's got a thing for college girls........
now the last one is the longest story. I can't stop thinking about him since and blush every time i do. I met him at a party a while ago, haven't seen him since, talk about disheartening. My older cousin said that i needed to relax a bit. So she took me with a bunch of her and her friends to the Marti Gras parade. I ended up appsolutly drunk in the middle of a field, in god knows where, sitting on a tailgate in front of a bon fire with 12 other people. For a minute i thought "how did i get here again?" but then some one smoved to over with another drink. turns out when i'm compleatly drunk, i smile like an idiot, at everyone. But at the bon fire i met Jay. we had introduced ourselves at the parade when i was just a little more than tipsy. So we keep talking and drinking around the bon fire. he would pull me back evey time some guy put as in the fire cause the wood was wet and the flame would die. and i would bury my face in his jacket evey time the smoke blew in our direction. about an hour in a half later, most the people had left. thats when the guy who was putting gas in the fire slashed his palm to his wrist on a beer bottle when he got into a fight with his brother. so my cousin went to take him to the hospital and left me drunk in the field, in the middle of nowhere with Jay. We sat on the tale gate for another 2 and half to 3 hours playing drunken guessing games them talking about more important things like school, friends, family, college, and how we really didn't understand the drama that happened the whole night. Turns out he was 19 and majoring in agicultural bussiness. he was really honest too, he said he thought it was a little strange that i had never been in a relationship. I was really comfortable with him and we got along really well. By the end of the night we were curled up on the tale gate with my head on his shoulder when some guy breaks in and says some one may have called the cops and that we needed to clean things up. He asked if my cus was coming back for me and i said i didn't know, he said he would make sure i got home. probably 20 minutes later, and after we found half a bottle of vodka randomly lieing in the field, go figure, my cousin comes back and drags me off, not before i gave him a hug and said i hope i would see him again, he said definetly, then we left. my cus kept on asking me if he hit on me. i said no of course. Now i kinda worder why i was so different then. Not only did alot of guys hit on me, i also ended up getting really comfortable and close with some one i had just met. I don't want to chalk it up to being drunk, that would mean i wouldn't be able to be so close to people unless some one gave me a bottle of vodka. I wonder why i can't be so approachable in my daily life. it was just so easy to get close to people. and it kinda upests me. Like i can't make it work out with a guy? also knowing that i'm probably not going to see him again. I do miss him and i'd like to see him when i'm sober. i wonder if he would like me if i were sober. It really does hurt that i probably won't see him again or be remotely that comfortable with some one normally.

i would be forever greatful if you could help me with my problem or tell me what my problem is.

till later

steff

Dear Steff,

Everything sounds normal. You sound normal, is what I'm saying. You may just need to polish up your approach and maybe a little self-esteem study? The Doctor also orders a little dose of Empowerment. May I suggest you read as much as you can, letters written to others who've written in with similar issues. On my sidebar are labels. Check out as much as you can on Empowerment, Self Esteem and any thing with the label Aunt B's Bitch Belt.

If I've learned nothing, in this 49 years of mine, it's that life is completely perspective. What I mean is we have winners and losers. We have people who've been dealt some crappy cards but choose to rise above it. We have people who've been handed everything and all; good looks, money, life of privilege. Do not envy them ever. For that matter, never envy anyone. You be you and be damn good at being you.

My point is this, as I stated in a recent post, What Defines You?,

"You are 3 People."

I am who I am;

I am who you think I am

I am who I think I am

I am who I really am

It's all perspective. As well, all life is about choice. Remember these words, if you remember nothing from this, "All life is choice." It's a matter of what we choose to do, in the best and worst of times. But we always have a choice. Often times we may not see it right away. Often times because of this, we make hasty, frivolous and stupid decisions. But one thing's for certain, when it's all said and done, when you are my age, you will begin to look back and see that in every instance, you had a choice as to how you handled a gift life hands you, an adversity and an every day situation. Even more importantly, you have a choice how people perceive you. You must remember these words, all the days of your life.
Choose to be;

1. Good
   
2. Pretty
   
3. Fair
   
4. Just
   
5. Honest
6. Truthful
7. Truth to Self
8. Assertive
   

All else will fall into place if you strive to be all these qualities. You will be pretty inside and out, if you so desire. Remember this!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Steff,

This will sound really stupid, but your problem is that you don’t actually have a problem, but you can quickly get into one if you are not careful.

Sounds to me like you are a pretty introverted person, and that is fine. But you may need to come out of your shell a little bit more often and take a few risks. Not big risks, but talking to guys doesn’t have to be a difficult task. After all, they will likely say something completely stupid during the conversation. We all do. And then it won’t feel so complicated. So don’t’ be afraid to say something.

With the examples that you provided it sounded like you waited to long to let the guys know you liked them. And that is really frustrating to you, and I can understand that. But if you don’t do something or speak up, they will move on. So try not to be so shy, guys are not mind readers.

Huge words of caution here though:

Drinking lowers inhibitions and what may seem like a great “ice breaker” for you to muster your courage can quickly become the worst day of your life. When we drink we do not have the regular thought process that we normally possess. This is because alcohol affects every part of the body.

Alcohol is carried through the blood stream and goes into organs, muscles, your brain, everywhere. And it affects the central nervous system in your brain. This is what causes you to feel more lose or relaxed, comfortable, or in reverse irritable aggressive or feel like you cannot be injured. It is a chemical response that happens, and you don’t really know what is going to happen until it does.

Many things can happen while you are drinking. You are more likely to make decisions that you will regret like dancing on tables, stripping, having sex with a person you barely know, having unprotected sex. There are tons of stories out there, just take a listen. Any person who has ever drank alcohol to the point of intoxication has at least one story of making poor if not life altering choices.

Also through this crazy altering of your central nervous system you lose the ability to know what is going on around you. Multitudes of women each year are raped, molested, or killed while under intoxication. And those who survive regret ever taking that drink because they know that they wouldn’t have ever been in the situations to become hurt if they were sober.

*******************************************************

I know that this is a hard reality to deal with, but you do not want this to be the result of needing to loosen up a little. Especially when you can learn to loosen up a little on your own.

So make sure that you are being smart about this and try to do a few things to let a guy know that you are interested. Talking to the guy will help a lot. If you are too shy to talk to a guy, how can you expect him to know that you are interested?? So you need to talk with the guy and at least make him know you are in the room. Then from there, keep a good rapport. Asking for help with a project, a pen, if they have plans for lunch. Whatever you feel comfortable with. Just make sure that you are putting yourself in the position for the guy to know you like him.

Men are not rocket scientists when it comes to women, and women are very confusing sometimes when trying to get attention. So make your intentions clear. At first, you will want to be friends with a guy, so what is so hard about asking him to sit with you? Or what is hard about asking him for coffee? You would do this with a girl that you wanted to be friends with right? So don’t be afraid to take your relationships into your own hands. And if the answer is no, then that’s fine. You didn’t invest a whole lot of energy and time brooding about it, and move on. No big deal.

Don’t’ worry so much, you are just shy. I am sure that you will do fine, as long as you keep your wits about you and you stay true to yourself.

~ Xmichra.

Dr. Babz D.L. Method

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hi,

I have just started a new job and all though this may seem really trivial and stupid but I feel under pressure to get everything right. I work in a cafe and I had a really bad day last week, my boss was pushing me to do things and I did everything wrong, I can't cook but I am learning how to, I have been there since the fourth of this month. I really like the people I work with and the customers are great to get on with but being pushed and pressured into doing things right is making me do everything wrong.

My boss has been told that I need to be pushed to do things and all though today wasn't bad at work, the experience from last week has put me off serving customers and when my boss does call in the kitchen my heart is in my throat, I won't serve customers until she has gone.

I can only think of one person who has told her I need to be pushed and that person is the women who did have to push me to look for work when I was on a program for Jobseekers, I am in work now and I hate to be reminded by my boss that I am on a three months trial to prove myself to her that I can do this job and I can.

My boss is great she gave me a chance and I don't want to let her down, I also don't want to loose this job and be unemployed because it's so hard to find work. Please could you give me advice on what to do, if I spoke to her how could I tell her like an adult that the pressure isn't needed. Please help me on what to do, I am drinking about half a glass of wine in the morning before I go to work to help me be a bit more confident. This may seem a really stupid problem but it really isn't to me.

2 Tim 1: 7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.


Dear Friend,

First, let me state that your question is quite valid and many of us suffer from this intimidation, a malady similar to "Stage Fright." I've gone through the same thing and quite frankly, there was a time when I would shake in my boots, when I had to start a new job.

"The way I put all this, may seem unconventional but I am going to be as direct and to the point as I can."

Basically, you've got to adapt, into your system, the Dr.Babz's, "World Famous; D.L. Method." Yes, you've got to download this into your psyche, learn it, digest it, breathe it, incorporate it, live it, become it and then allow it to Empower you!

I can't say what I did at one time, they'd have to kill me and you, hahaha, but way before that, when I was a young Mother, I wanted to work but only part time. I wanted to be able to breast feed my kids and the only job, at that time was Tupperware. I could go do a party and be back within 2-3 hours. But let me tell you what, I felt like a bumbling idiot, a good portion of the time. Sales is not easy and if you have any kind of self esteem issues, which by the way, is what's going on here, sales is probably the hardest thing you could choose to do.

Eventually, I got over my fear, usually using humor, my trademark and I began to do rather well. The bonus in that is the pay, as in any job, you do well. But I can remember when I was so intimidated, I even had a terrible time remembering people's names and would just about die inside, every time I had to meet someone new.

Now, you may not think, this is all that but I went on to become a Tupperware Manager with a Company car, one which came right off the showroom floor. I was making good money, which, as I mentioned is quite the motivator to hone your craft. Because of the area I lived in, a very repressed, no jobs kind of area, my people had to work extra hard. As well, so did I, just to keep up our sales, as we competed with the benchmark sales of the big city numbers. It wasn't easy but it was proving ground.


Hopefully we're paying attention and learning as we go. I believe that all we do in this life, all we go through;

1. Is for a reason
2. Trains us for what's coming next
3. Teaches us Empathy
4. Teaches us Compassion
5. Hopefully enables us to help someone else
6. Even one person at a time

I was gripped with fear, until I began to put my life into perspective. At one point, if you read the post prior to this, I was in an extremely abusive situation and this is where I began to develop my,"D.L. Method."

Yes, on one hand or rather one minute, I was a powerhouse, the next I was Babbling Babz the Bimbo Minded Boob. Things in my life caused me to behave this way. I was even diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, as a matter of fact, years later and after the jobs, I can't mention. I was a mess, for sure. Inside, I was this strong minded person, who was being held down by an oppressor. Many things oppressed me but namely, my ex taught me, rather nicely that I had to hold/bridle my tongue lest I eat my teeth. Inside though I was a raving maniac. When we fought and we'd fight like two men, I eventually figured out the hard way, that it was when I, "sassed back," that it would infuriate him. So, to keep my teeth intact and up until the point where I took back control, I would use my
D.L. Method. Now, D.L. stands for, of course, on the down low, on the Q.T., hush hush and this adaptation, well, it was my way of coping. He would say things and infuriate me. He'd be slinging the proverbial mud and I couldn't say a thing.

So, I began to look him straight in the eye, during these Bitch Fests and tell him exactly what I thought about him, exactly what I had to say but only in my mind. No, I wouldn't utter a word but I'd be cussing him out, calling him everything but a white boy, all in my mind. It was a coping mechanism and at that time, it was all I had. It got me through a verbally abusive situation. I do believe he knew as I'd often end up smiling, which would sometimes infuriate him even more.

Before all this, at Sales Rallies and Conventions, I remember their version of getting over intimidation. That would be for you to envision your intimidater, in their underwear. Later, when I would train men and women, in sales, I remembered this but added a twist, an adaptation of that age old sales empowerment practice.

First, there were many people, I did not want to envision in their underwear. Yuk!
I had made an observation, that I would go on and teach, for years to come.
If you feel intimidated by this person and you can't look them in the eye, look at their nose. You will find that it moves about and is rather humorous. Try not to laugh but it will, if nothing else, cause them to appear human...just like you. No better, no worse. Furthermore, they are no better or worse than you. No one is...no one. Just for giggles, if nothing else, next conversation with someone, anyone, test my theory and watch their nose. Yes, the nose is a rather amusing apparatus, if you ask me and it moves about as we talk. It just humanized and equalized the situation.

Yours is a self esteem issue and you must do your best to put it all into perspective. Life is perspective and how we choose to perceive all things, all people. You are intimidated by your boss, your duties, the people at this job and so on. But ask yourself, what it is that you are so worried about? I mean truly, I imagine that you have a good sense of work ethic, I can just tell. I also believe that you want to do a good job and it worries you sick, that you won't,
"Get It." But you will get it and you just need the confidence to realize this.

Do not drink. Bad, Bad, Bad idea! You must learn, when you are under the gun, so to speak, to breath by using relaxation techniques. Take in a deep breathe. Blow it out as if you are cooling a spoon full of soup. It is a matter of seconds that make the difference. In those seconds, breathe in and blow out, giving yourself time to think, grasp what is being said to you, allowing it to download into your brain. It's seconds.

I also believe your emphasis, your minds priority, in those first seconds and beyond is/are misguided and misplaced. It's as if you have ADD and you just can't concentrate on what or how you are being trained, on the task at hand. It's like your mind is working as if you had an 8 Track reel to reel going on, playing in your head. I'm speaking of an 8 Track, like in a recording studio, if you've ever been privy to one. Your mind is playing what is being said, with overlays of you arguing with yourself, another layer is telling that layer to shut up, don't sweat it and on and on. You are thinking too hard and over analyzing everything, aren't you?

You must calm your spirit and stop telling yourself, stop the inner dialogue, that holds you back from listening, hearing and applying. You know damn well, you are a good worker, once you know your stuff, now don't you?

I've rambled on but my suggestion to you is to read all you can on Empowerment. Just because you're out of school doesn't mean you are done learning. Take your butt back to school, in the sense of studying yourself, your weaknesses and strong points. Study, make a conscience effort to reign in that positive force, that lays dormant inside of you. Learn to tell that big mouth, you know the one inside that tells you that you can't do something, to shut up and shut it down.

I also suggest that, at night, you go over what you've been told, taught and trained, that day. Envision doing the procedure, as if it's a dress rehearsal. Make sure you get plenty of sleep and try not to over analyze everything, as you do tend to do, huh? You do yourself no good by analyzing every, what you perceive as critical word/statement from your boss. You'll stand only to make yourself crazy.

If at all possible, listen to an uplifting song, on your way to work, it may just frame how you feel, once you arrive. Finally, take back control. Do your homework, read about empowerment, even the posts I have here, on the sidebar. Yes, so that strong willed, I can do it woman, that we both know, is within you, will win!

Make sure you read Xmichra's answer to you. It is a strong message and the inside scoop on what an employer expects.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Anonymous,

I don’t say this on the site because it’s a little too personal, but my job is in human resources and in particular the employment insurances “get back to work” program. I not only deal with what you are going through on a daily basis, but also understand the difficulty of becoming “positively assertive”. What does this mean? It means that in any business you work in, if you can attain the ability to both be positive with your attitude regarding work and assertive with your needs, while achieving the goals set out by yourself and your company that you can have that “great job” everyone is looking for.

Before I get into anything else here, it sounds like you respect your boss and like her. It doesn’t sound like she is asking you to do impossible things either, so I will continue on the assumption that this is the case. Because if she is asking you to do things that aren’t in the labor law or outside of your job description or is really cruel, then this is a totally different story. As it is, you sound as though you are overwhelmed. So I will go with that.

Basically in your situation I see a few things. One, don’t drink. Drinking will only get you fired. Alcohol doesn’t give you more courage; it lowers inhibitions, which also makes for trouble. You could say the wrong thing, you could really injure yourself and others (especially if you are cooking) and if your boss were to suspect you were drinking on the job and just can’t prove it?? Well they will likely try to make you quit by being hard on you, so that they don’t have to deal with the potential fall out. So do yourself a huge favor and just stop drinking before work. It is doing you no favors.

Now your job I am sure has a learning curve, you started on the 4th right? Are you working full time or part time? The reason I ask, is that after about two weeks of full time employment most employers will expect a certain level of professionalism and ability from their new recruits. Also, in an industry with light memory or repetitive job tasks it is expected that you catch on rather quickly. The first week is to teach an employee “the ropes”. The second week is to see how an employee does “under pressure” and after a month it is pretty well expected that you know your job and now you are just making your skills better and more fine tuned. Sounds to me like your employer is keeping on a fairly obvious track here. But that doesn’t necessarily make it right.

The problem is that there really is no good way to go about this issue with your boss. I never get to say this to people because I have to be politically correct and I have to be so objective between the employers and the employees. But I will level with you. In my experience, new hires (people in their three month probationary period) who go to their bosses and try to talk to them about behaviors or the way they would like to be treated… are deemed whiners and not taken seriously. In fact, whatever treatment you are receiving now will likely become worse. Why? Because you are the new person trying to tell a boss what to do. I know this makes little sense, but it is the truth. It is seldom that a person who is in charge of anything will let a new person weigh in on how they should manage… even if it is only in regard to how they are treating you. To the manager, they are the experts, they are the reason that the business is thriving, and without their knowledge the company would be nothing. Seriously, this is the mindset. And to some extent, it’s true. Good managers know how to train, know how to retain and know how to please their staff. And this person may indeed be a great manager. It’s all in the timing and the ranks.

At any rate, I don’t know this particular manager or you. But I do know that a manager who is trying to drill in a standard of excellence is often looked upon as “picking” on their new hires. And sometimes they are a little hard. And sometimes you will have bad days. But the absolute worst thing you can do is to prove them right. And you are doing this by not serving customers, by being freaked out when the boss comes into the kitchen, by taking the criticisms from your boss of the job personally, and by placing the boss’s actions on other co-workers opinions (“My boss has been told that I need to be pushed to do things”).

Bottom line is that the boss has a job to do as well, and they are going to be held accountable for it, the same as they will hold you accountable for learning and excelling at your job. And when you are in the probationary period it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel some days, because things will not seem fair. But generally a boss will not ask you to do something that they themselves have not done or wouldn’t do.

Best thing you can do is to really try and get past these obstacles and do your job to the best of your ability. Let go of the fact that you are in your probationary period, and work in your job like you mean it, you want it, and you have it. The job is after all, yours. Now you just need to keep it. And you will if you ignore the idea that your boss is pushing you too hard and accept that as a personal challenge. Accept it and defeat it. Go to work and learn. Do the job. Be the best that you can each and every day. And don’t wait to be asked what you need to learn. Ask for it.

The number one reason for employers/employees terminating their employment is training. “I didn’t know what to do so I didn’t do anything” is not the right response. Neither is “just figure it out on your own”. The employer must be willing to provide the tools and the training required to do the job they ask of their employees. And in turn, the employee must make the effort to excel at their abilities by asking for explanation or further instruction on things that are out of their knowledge. So don’t be afraid. Do your job, do it well.

And just like anything else, something new is always a bit scary. But once you have had this job for a few months you will look back and think “why did I think this was so hard?”. And you will be really pleased with yourself for being motivated and achieving your employment goals.

Hope this has helped you, let us know how you do!!

~Xmichra