The Few, The Proud, The Real Men

Editor's Note; This is an Update from a prior letter called This Is Your Life

Dear Aunt B,

I wrote you 3 weeks ago regarding my best friend crisis. That day; I followed your advice and wrote an apology email, I had my wife read through it and then I read it again. When I thought it was exactly what I had to say I sent it. Two weeks after that I hadn't heard a thing so I made a phone call to the man in question. I was not malicious or rude, I simply asked if he received my email. He used a few vulgar words towards me and hung up the phone. Yesterday I received an email that was 80% vulgar and rude language, the summary of which was he never wants to be my friend again. He doesn't even want to take the chance that my apology was real because he says I'm a coward and always will be. Aunt B, I was upfront and honest with him, I was sincere and meant every word of my apology. I know I'm not a coward. You asked me to provide an update as to how things turned out, unfortunately it's not the update I wanted to pass along to you.

What should I do now? Just forget he ever existed? Send another email?

Thank you for all your help, even if he didn't believe me. I meant my apology and I have you to thank for showing me the light.

Jeremy R

My Dearest Jeremy,

OK Darlin', since I don't know the content/context of the letter you sent to him, I'll have to ask a few questions? First let me say though, that I am content in the fact that you rose above it all, were not a coward, took that bull by the horns and made your apology. I am also sorry things didn't turn out better.

The important part here Jeremy, is that you swallowed your pride and did the right thing, did you not? You may now look in the mirror with a bit of integrity in your face. Isn't that what it's all about, I mean as a man to be able to look yourself in the eye?

It takes heart to apologize and make amends and if you ask me, it is a measure of a true man when he can admit when he's wrong or even take personal accountability for his actions. This is especially important when it comes to our children, you know to be able to apologize when we are wrong, I might add.

Even if you had only a small percentage, a mere slice in this painful pie and you've taken the time, put forth the effort to reduce that pain, I assure you no matter what, you are a stand up guy and certainly not a coward. I imagine Ben couldn't think of any other insult to sling after all, he already knows that you're not stupid, you're not ugly and you have a high set of standards, values and beliefs. You are successful and a good guy. He also knows, as I do, that for the most part, you are fearless. You have a healthy respect for certain things, meaning you are not impulsive and I do not imply you are a risk taker. You will dive in though and handle the task at hand no matter how much you'd prefer to just walk away. This is one of your chief attributes, thus he took it upon himself to try to hit you below the belt with his calling you a coward. We know differently though, don't we Dear?

See, even if other guys do not live by the old school rules such as, a man is only as good as his word, a firm handshake seals the deal and it takes a bigger man to admit his mistakes, you may now stand, head held high and count yourself amongst the few, the proud, the real men. Yes, this was an exercise in and a rite of passage, a show cause of a true man. All in all this is the defining factor, what separates the boys from the men.

Unfortunately, you may now look at the situation and see that Ben is not made of the same stuff. Ben knows it too and it intimidates him. He'll never admit it but he respected you and has always looked up to you. It is because of this that he feels such betrayal. You must be able to see this and why he is bitter, taking the stance he has. Ben respected your opinion as well, so for you to look down upon his choice, well it really hurt and I'd be willing to bet, he even questions his own choice. But simply out of spite, he'd never admit it and would take a stand against you because of it.

What To Do?

I'm hoping that your letter/email to Ben was not in defense of your feelings which would add insult to injury. What I mean by this is if you wrote him with more words as to why you said what you said but then said, "but I'm sorry if I hurt you with those words" then what you did was futile.

There may not be any resolve in this situation. It's a damn shame too. As well, I'm sorry that he did not accept your apology. Time marches on and that time also heals all wounds. maybe one day, Ben will set his own pride aside and do the right thing. I'm not counting on it though, sadly to say. It's possible that you've both grown apart. You grew up, Ben grew down, a sad state of affairs.

My last suggestion to you, is one last email(or mail him a card, maybe a Wedding Congrats?), a closing of a Chapter. I know it's not going to be easy for you but I'm putting my money on you. In that email, I would simply say;

"Ben, you are,were and always will be my good friend. I wish you nothing but the very best in your new life and I mean it with every fiber of my being. I will be here if you need me."

Now the ball is in his court, you've had the last word, held the upper hand, controlled your temper and will be able to close this Book on a positive note. You will also know that you did the right thing. Capish?

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Another Rite of Passage

Hey Aunty!

I am having a big problem I can’t express it to anyone but then I thought to myself I could ask an adviser well then here it is!

This is the first year I move to my new school and its awesome but from the start I have had a crush on this boy. It started out with a crush and I thought I would get over him like any other guy that a girl has a crush on. This guy is different it’s the first time that I truly love a guy! We have so much in common, we talk on the phone a lot, we talk in school a lot, and everyone tells me that he loves me and that he flirts with me and the way he looks at me is as if he is in love with me. I agree with them but I disagree at the same time. I disagree and feel as if he doesn’t like me because he has a girlfriend she is in another school I really get annoyed when he talks about her cause I wish I was in her place. I also get annoyed cause she is a really bad girl and I am the good girl type! Like when I say good girl I mean good girl ! I really like this guy and I feel we have so much in common! This is the first time in my life that I love a guy ! He trusts me a lot I am like his best friend so I don’t really want to ruin our relationship. Please help me ! I want to be with this guy and I want us to remain together for life! I want him to be mine and all mine! I want us to be the best couple of history. ! Aunt B please help me !!! I really like this guy please help me !

Please reply as soon as possible...

Veronica !!HELP!!

Dear Veronica,

Read what Halena wrote. It is a better starting point. I am possibly jumping the gun, going to the next level...

Well, just because you are a "nice girl" does not mean you can't be assertive. It's the difference between the girls and the women, the difference between the ones who get what they need and the ones that'll only cry about it.

Now, let me point out one of the unspoken rules of thumb here; People will do to you, only what you will allow them to do. A vast number of guys would love to have their cake and eat it too. And this means that he will keep two girlfriends, only if you allow it.

Now, you can't force him to have feelings he does not for you, right? But if he does care for you as deeply as you believe, he must understand that he should treat you exactly as he'd want to be treated. If you were dating another guy, in a different school, how would he feel? Would he continue to go out with you, all the while knowing that you have another boyfriend? I'll answer that for you; It's rather doubtful that he would contend with you seeing another guy and I do believe he would let you know. It's just how the ball bounces.

I will say it again; People will do to you, only what you will allow them to do.

Being a good girl is commendable but being a pushover is not, remember this! You can always continue to be that good girl just simply make a stand, make your feelings obvious and assert what you will and will not tolerate. Always!

While it is important for people to know where you stand, it is equally important for them to know what you will not stand for.

My suggestion is for you to have a little talk with your beau and get to the core, the crux of things and where you stand. Then, you make him aware of what you will not tolerate.

Does that sound a bit stern? Maybe but it's all in the approach. As I stated before, you can't make him have certain feelings, right? You can't make him love you and you sure as heck can't make him give up his other girlfriend, now can you?

But, But, But...you can make it clear that you'd like to define things, understand where you stand with him. You can ask him to see things from your perspective and put it into terms he might see the light through;

"While I have no right or business telling you how you should feel, I do have the right to my own happiness. I will not be toyed with and I will never play second fiddle. So, I will tell you that I care a lot about you and I think you might care about me. However, would you continue to see me, talk to me on the phone and so on, fully knowing I have another boyfriend in another school?"

Another Rite of Passage

All through your life, Veronica, you must learn to assert and state your needs. You must say what needs to be said. Yes, my creed, "Say what I mean, mean what I say and try not to say it too mean, " are words to live by. This separates the women from the girls. In any relationship whether it be this one or with the man you will marry, you must always state your needs.

Never assume that your partner knows what's what. Never assume that they will always do the right thing. Sometimes you must, in stating your needs, let them know what you will or will not tolerate in that quest for everyday happiness.


More often than not, you have to put things into perspective for your guy. Just because you're in the dating phase does not mean that he can continue to see other girls. Yes, it's an extremely gray area, what's right and wrong when it comes to defining that spot where you go from a simple date to that all defining moment where you might begin to call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. So, as there's no training manual, (that I know of) or rule book with the definitions clearly stated, how bout we take a look at this?

• First of all, it says a whole lot if a guy goes out on a date with another girl when he's supposedly in an established relationship, right? Take a close look at that.

• Secondly, if the guy does go out on a date with you, even an unofficial date and he calls you more than once, I would tend to think he likes you. If he continues to talk to you, continues to call, you've gone well beyond that first stage of dating. I do believe you have what might be called an "established relationship."

• Third, in an established relationship, where a guy is, for a lack of better words, "courting you," it says a whole lot if you allow him, knowingly, to continue entertaining you as well as another girl. It reads loud and clear, that you will allow it.

• Lastly, your guy is not a mind reader, is he? Since I don't believe he is, you will have to plainly state that you are not the kind of girl that will tolerate two-timing. In other words, you must clearly state your right to happiness. In that right, you tell him while you realize that you can't make him do anything, say anything and you surely can't make him feel something that is not there, if he does have any semblance of feelings for you, you are not the kind of girl that will allow a guy to two-time her.

Yes, you make it crystal clear that you are not asking him to choose. You make it more than clear though, that it's all up to him but he should not call you or talk to you if he wants to see this other girl. You state that it's not fair to either of you, now is it?

Here's the clincher, as the plot thickens; Once you have stated how you feel and he does not stop seeing her, talking to her, courting her, entertaining her, etc. etc. then it is a statement as to his own values and beliefs. It will be more than clear that he wants his cake and to eat it too; two girlfriends.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Veronica,

I would continue being his good friend. Then, start off with a simple touch here and there and gauge his response. As in, let's say you're sitting next to him and you are laughing and you touch his arm or back and see how he acts. That is kind of intimate but also innocent. Then, watch his reaction because there will probably be a reaction. If he thinks nothing of it, do it again and again but not too much so he won't feel uncomfortable, just in case.

If he seems receptive, next time try playfully putting your arm around him, around his waist or neck and then see what happens. You have to make it innocent, not being pushy or like you have an agenda as you don't want to ruin your friendship. By the way, every great relationship, long term, starts off in friendship first.

After doing this, it may make him think as to who he wants to be with, you or her? It might also help him to make his move, knowing that you two are into each other. If all else fails, knowing that you can still be his best friend, be waiting in the wings for that opportunity, if he breaks up with her.

On Your Side,

Halena

"No Tolerance"

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I am from a polygamous family and the only child of my mum to that family. My mum is late, and my dad seems to love me. Now, my half brother hated me and always beat me up at the slightest mistake. Advice me

Thank you.

PS,

It’s about hatred from my half brother. He felt our dad loves me more than the rest children.He so hated me with passion. I feel like moving away from the house. Quarrelling and fighting often times. Just share hate.

Do have a lovely week.

James

Dear James,

It must be difficult for you and I can surely understand, you feeling discouraged. Actually, discouraged, may be putting it mildly. It must be equally difficult when you're Mum is not there to comfort, guide and let you know you are loved. It is good to hear, that your Dad loves you.

You do not say, how old you are or how long you must live under the same roof as your half-brothers. I assume you are a teen? I also assume, moving out is not the answer?

My own, youngest son, was treated harshly because, his own brothers believed he was my second husbands son and their half-brother. They treated him badly because of this. He had blue eyes, like my second husband and was raised by my second husband who treated him preferably. Children sense this, even if no harm is intended. My youngest was really their, full blood brother but they were so mean to him, growing up. I do not believe they would have treated him this way, had they realized that blood is blood, family is family and respect for one another is just that.

Can you go to your Father and ask him to Mediate, between you two? Ask for a sit down, to talk. Ask your father to allow you to talk and your aim, is not to make your brother look bad but to work things out between you both.

Tell your brother that he is just that, your brother and you want his favor. Remind him, with your dad sitting there, that you are family and you want to get along. Make him aware that you have no need for this partition between you two. Tell him that you want to get along and the way things have been going, it all really hurts. Use these words," Brothers should be there for each other. I want to turn things around. I don't want to behave as a child and I don't want any resentment between us." See, you know why your brother is acting out of jealousy and it is not your fault, if he feels that your Dad cares for you more. You tell him, that you do not feel that your father cares for you differently than him and loves you equally. So, who is at fault here, if they have animosity? It is your brothers fault, unless you have provoked him or your father has provoked him. You explain that and make him painfully aware, that your Mum is gone and your family is all you have. A father's love is all you have and you no longer want to feel guilty when you receive your fathers love.

Then, you make your first stand as a man; You stand to shake his hand. You ask him, if you two can become brothers, from this day forward and throw the enemy out.

James dear, if I were you, I would write it all down, on paper. I would try to use the approach I have offered. I would set the stage by asking your Dad to intervene, only by sitting in on the talk. You make sure your dad knows your heart, your motive. That is to bridge this gap and put this pain aside. You explain that you are not trying to start a fight but end one, forever. You only request his presence as an intermediary, not a referee. This will also allow a captive audience with your brother and he will be forced to look at his issues and his behavior.

James, allow this to be your first stand, as a man. Allow this to be a life lesson. Learn from it all and how to see your confidence build, when you take your own destiny, your own issues and make a stand.

"While it is important, for people to know what we stand for, it is equally important, for them to know, what we will not stand for."
Aunt Babz

You must make take a stand and assertively state the fact that you no longer want to live this way. You must not be a martyr, for the cause of Polygamy. You must stop being a victim. I am not calling you a sissy. Read that again. Your feelings are real. Your feelings are understandable and valid. I am telling you, right here, right now, that I completely feel for you. But if you want this to stop, you must take a "no tolerance stance."


Put on Aunt Babz Signature Cologne; Confidence/Empowerement

You will no longer tolerate being treated like you have done something wrong because your father loves you. You will no longer tolerate your brother treating you badly because he has issues, with that love. If he has issues about the equality of your fathers love, between you both, he needs to take it up with his father, right then, while you are at your sit down meeting. You will no longer tolerate any of it and from this day forward, he will treat you like a brother or leave you alone.

Your situation is unique to you. But many young men, must grow up quickly without the love and presence of their Mother. But James, she is there, you need only to reach out to her and she will comfort you. She brought you here. Out of the millions of pages on the internet, you were guided here. There is no such thing as luck, coincidence or magic. Remember this. You were guided here. Your Mum is always with you and will comfort you. She often touches your ear, to let you know she's there. You felt it but didn't know what it was, did you?

Write it all down, use the words I have given you and make your point. It will change your life. If you do this with the confidence that's within you, your brother will respect you from that day forward.

It is a rite of passage, from boy to man, when you learn to stand up for what you will not tolerate in your life. Remember the words, "No Tolerance."