Emotional Blackmail

Dear Aunt Babz,

I have visited your site and really appreciate your service.

I have a real bad life problem.

I am now married for the second time. I have 2 children who I am close to from my previous marriage ages 16 and 11, that live 1500 miles away. I have a 14 month old baby with my new wife, her second marriage also.

This past spring my daughter asked to come live with my wife and I and my wife and her Mom agreed. We have her in a nice school and she is doing well. My wife told me that she doesn't want to live with my daughter any longer and need to send her back to her mother or she wants a divorce. She feels my daughter is too clingy, and I do not agree that she is that bad.

My wife is a very jealous person. She has an older son (9) that lives with us and I have to put up with a lot. She says that I knew that when I married her.

My daughter is oblivious to the situation and loves her new school and living around us. I have recently moved out with and got an apartment with my daughter. She is wealthy, so financially she is taken care of. I am tempted to now put myself aside and move back closer to my children from my previous marriage and when my daughter goes to college move back here and take care of my other daughter that will then be 7 years old. Do you think I am doing the right thing? I don't know if I should stick it out for the good of my youngest daughter. I am completely torn over this and do not know what the right thing is.

Thank you in advance.

Dave

Dear Dave,

First, before I get into anything else here thank you for being a good dad to your kids. Choosing to stick by your daughter instead of your second wife is something she will never forget, and regardless on if she knows of the full situation she will later reflect on this and figure out how hard that was for you. I can’t say weather moving or not moving would make your situation any better or worse for the kids involved. I wish I could, but this decision has to come from you, you know the situation a lot better than I do and you will know what can be done. I can say that from what you have written, if this were me, I would not move. You have said that your daughter is enrolled in a great school and she is excelling. Your other child (sorry you didn’t say boy or girl) has the choice (I assume) to move in with you if he should choose but is staying with your first wife. Your second daughter isn’t old enough to voice an opinion, but as a baby requires a lot more attention on your part. So, given that, I would stay put because that seems like the logical step and better for the kids right now. This is just my opinion (to stay where you are) but really why would you pull your daughter from a good school and her “new” life and disrupt the life of the baby when you don’t have too. You obviously thought about the decision to bring your daughter to live with you and considered her being away from her sibling and mom before doing this. Now I feel the best run of course is to make good on that course, and let your daughter finish her schooling there. Of course this can change with the dynamics of your relationships to the mothers. But in all seriousness, you owe it to your kids to be a good father. And this is what you are trying to do under hard circumstances. I hope that what ever you choose that you still remain close to your children. I know this must be a very difficult situation and it is apparent that you love all of your kids.

Good Luck,

~Xmichra~ Dear Dave,

It's extremely disheartening to hear that your wife wants a divorce if she doesn't get her way. That's what it boils down to; Emotional Blackmail. It's wrong and I find myself on the defensive fence because of it.

I've stated in past posts, that things that go on in our marriage can only be or happen if we allow it. What I'm referring to is the simple fact that sometimes you must stand your ground and state what you will permit and what you will not tolerate. I will say it again,

"In this life, while it is very important for people to know what we stand for, quite often it is equally important for them to know, without a doubt, exactly what we will not stand for."

I know it takes all kinds to make this world go round; the good, the bad and the ugly. I'm just trying to ascertain which category to place your wife in? I'm having real difficulty with a woman who would place you between a rock and a hard place because your child is too clingy? It all actually burns my butt and I'm having to work at staying objective here.

Since I am a proponent, a true advocate of marriage and have firm *beliefs that marriage should be taken seriously, I will suggest that you both go to counseling.

The reality of all this is that your first reaction to this scenario would, of course be anger. The next would probably be the emotions involved, that you felt, as you walked out the door, moving into a new apartment. The natural reaction would be to run like hell, dragging your daughter away from that wicked step-mother of hers. But what is the answer here?

I think you must stand up to your wife. I think you need to tell her exactly how you feel and insist on what you will and will not tolerate. Her behavior is that of a bully and you allowed it.

I realize there are always three sides to every story;

"Yours, Hers and the cold hard facts."

So, I do and will welcome her to write me and explain how and why she would think it's a legitimate thing to do, basically kicking your daughter to the curb, figuratively speaking, of course. I think it is very unfair for your wife to place you in such a position, which is exactly what she has done, where you have to choose between her or your own daughter. I know which I would choose...

My last suggestion is for you to copy and print this post, mail it to her and then she'll see that, we're calling her on the carpet over this one. She can't/won't get away with this without all the world being able to see her for just what she is; selfish and unscrupulous.

Bada Bing Bada Boom!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz


*I truly believe that all things happen for a reason. I do not believe in luck, coincidence or magic but only Divine Destiny. As well, I also believe that every single person we meet is placed there in our own Divine Destiny, a destiny/plan/map that God alone has placed us in our journey through this life. We meet and marry because God has placed this person in our lives for a reason.

free advice

Bounce That Blame

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

My eldest Sister, Claire, has just been told by her Husband of 11yrs that he "can't do both" have a relationship with his grown adult children from his previous marriage & stay married to her because apparently she is to blame for him not having a relationship with his children at all ( for the past 11yrs) and that their marriage is over..

Understandably she is totally devastated and upset yet it has been a week since he Has told her all this saying he has been feeling like this for ages yet "hid" it really well.... To say she was shocked is a major understatement! And yet he is still to "finalize" what he wants to do, i.e. Move out, give it another shot or get counseling.. My question is this..

WHAT can I do to HELP HER? She LOVES him and she has been thru hell and high water these past two years.... She got diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis about 18 months ago and it has been devastating for her to "deal" with that and his youngest daughter living with them as well who was in no better term purely horrible to Claire!

What advice can I give her to see the "light " at the end of all this! His actions are screaming loud and clear....... Yet she just keeps repeating that she loves him so much how can I show her that he isn't respecting her and that he is just using her?

Hope you can help

Eleese Wyborn

Toowoomba

Australia

Dear Eleese,

Oh my, I really feel bad for your sister.

If you've read anything, I've written, prior to this, you'll notice, I quite often say that, "If you are looking for fault, you will most certainly, find it." It seems to me, her husband was looking for fault. She should take the hint and try to work through it.

There are several avenues, your sister can go down. I imagine, none of these options will be pleasant but, if she is to emerge from all this, with a bit of sanity, she needs to weigh her options.

She obviously loves him but we must ask ourselves, if it is a need or desire? We must ask ourselves, does he love her, still? Was there a false sense of complacency, for all these years or did something happen, that suddenly set her husband off on a tangent? What I mean, is what he claims true or did he do, what I said and looked for fault? These are things, she must look at. Does she have any real accountability/responsibility in his feelings? Are they founded in truth?

Let me make it real clear, that I am not accusing but I do think, even on any scale, these are things she needs to ask herself and weigh out. Even if her husbands reactions or feelings are over dramatized, if they are real feelings, she must look at it and start from there. Personal accountability, in any scenario, is a must.

We can not discount his feelings and she needs to wholeheartedly, speak to him and address this situation. In the event that his emotions, are deep seated, real, factual and have just now, truly surfaced, we have to find resolve. What is that resolve?

I don't know what the whole story is here, do I? Hubby, is resentful, for some reason. What is that reason?

It's so simple, yet so complex. As her sister, I suggest that you walk her through this examination. As I said before, I believe she must start with taking responsibility for her part, if any, in his feelings, assuming, that this is the real issue. If for some reason, she has made it hard for him to have a relationship, with his children, whether it be through laying out guilt, if he's mentioned them or if she has voiced her displeasure with his children or his relations with those children, she needs to look at it. She must look back in retrospect, at the possibility, that she has made him feel this way. If she's played a part in this, what can she do, to make him feel better? What can she do, to change the situation? She must make amends, if she has behaved badly, enough that he would feel, he couldn't have a relationship, with his children.

At the same time, I feel, quite honestly, this is all a cop out, conveniently placing blame, on your sister, for some invented bullshit. For real, what kind of father would let any woman, come between him and his children, for 11 years?

Forgive me but...

Now, here's comes, the less than nice, Aunt Babz;

What kind of man/SOB, would imply leaving his wife, who has MS, in her time of need? I'm sorry but I don't buy into his 11 year bullshit and it's a lame attempt to place his delusional and sorry ass Fatherhood of the past 11 years, on someone who doesn't deserve it? Your Sis needs to get angry about this, grow some hair and bounce that blame.

I think she's scared, possibly because of her condition, to be alone. I believe she's over looked the obvious, calling it love, when it's a need, to be cared for. Yes, she very well, could believe she loves him but let me point out, the painfully obvious; any man, who'd pull out the card, he chose play, to make his case, is lower than low and she needs to see it, for just what it is...ball less.

Now that I've said all that and dished the dirt, let me say this, I think she needs to stop, being a victim here and call him on his shit. If she has, possibly, played any part, in his feelings, she should apologize but short of that, he needs to place the blame, squarely where it belongs; on himself. He then, needs to put a plan in place, to either face the music, look in the mirror and be honest or move on. It was a nasty attempt to defer responsibility for his own actions, supposedly, "Hid," all these years.

The best thing, you could do for your sister, is to make her see that behaving as a victim will keep her a victim. I think that once she sees things, for what they really are, resolve will come about. I don't know what that resolve will be but it will, all fall into place, she will benefit, one way or the other.

Forgotten Roster of Reason

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

I am a 36 year old woman, happily married, successful, with 2 beautiful daughters 6 and 4. My problem is with my mother. I grew up in a physically and mentally abusive household. My mother and my stepfather beat my brother and myself. I know in today's day and age we would have been removed from the home. Somehow I survived, and have tried to move beyond it. My mom has remarried so my stepfather is gone. When I became a mom, I had some sort of delusion that my mother would become a wonderful grandmother. DENIAL. The first time I allowed my nearly 2 year old daughter to be in her presence unsupervised (stupid, I know) she came back to me with a huge bruise on her thigh because my mother pinched her hard in anger. I have told my mother that I do not hit my children and that she is not allowed to touch them. She told me she will respect my wishes but thinks I am a softy, spare the rod spoil the child. I have been distancing myself from my mother over the past 5 years, which is not hard to do when you move to Alaska. I have not seen my mom since February, when my 98 year old dearly loved grandmother died (her mother). She was the real reason I continued to communicate with my mom and now she is gone. The older I get, the harder it is to accept my mom or to find anything in common with her or to like her. I am not a mean person, this is so hard for me to admit. My mother is mean, very mean. She is actually proud of that, believe it or not. Before she retired (she was a 2nd grade teacher) her boss told her she was mean and recommended she retire early. She had a hard time adjusting to the new way of teaching, where you can't touch the children to discipline them, and she was reprimanded a few times for that. She enjoyed having the reputation as a strict teacher, she thought if the kids were afraid of her they'd tow the line. I don't want her around my children. I now live two states away and she is bugging me to visit. I keep putting her off. I have been to counseling so that I can become an emotionally healthy person, but I can't change who she is. I can deal with talking with her on the phone, sometimes. Am I being selfish? What should I do? It seems awfully harsh to cut someone out of your life, especially your own mother, but it seems as I reread this that that is what I am considering. That sounds so cruel, all I ever wanted was to have a loving family. Please help.

Dear Friend, I can feel, the turmoil here. I also come from an abusive childhood, so I can relate. What is it, where people take pride in being so harsh. It's very real though. Some would call it strict or they tell themselves, that's what it is or was. They will boast and brag, how they made their children tow the line.

While I am a firm believer in disciplining children, there is surely a fine line between, so called discipline and abuse. Many, do not know the difference. Many think they know the difference, while an equal amount of people, think all discipline is abuse. It is the latter group that's almost as bad as the one's who damage their children by being overly strict. I don't profess to know it all, concerning raising children but that spare the rod and spoil the child stuff, is surely debatable, is it not? Much of the Bible and it's translations, have certainly been twisted terribly. Some people will only quote that passage, the only one they know and use it to instill fear amongst their children. Yet they do not instill love or even Christian values. That is surely hypocrisy, is it not?

I've also heard that the "Spare the rod, spoil the child," is a reference to counting with the "Rod/Staff" and not hitting. They used the rod, to count their sheep, tapping them as they went. It gave the lamb, a sense of security because he is and was accounted for. Meaning, they were constantly counted, to keep track of them. I think, it means more, keeping track and staying on top of the child. If you want children, you must realize that above and beyond anything else, you must be accountable for the child with equal parts love and discipline. Where there is all discipline and little or no love shown, there in, lies the entire problem.

dis·ci·pline (ds-pln)

n.

1. Training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement.

2. Controlled behavior resulting from disciplinary training; self-control.

3.

a. Control obtained by enforcing compliance or order.

b. A systematic method to obtain obedience: a military discipline.

c. A state of order based on submission to rules and authority: a teacher who demanded discipline in the classroom.

4. Punishment intended to correct or train.

5. A set of rules or methods, as those regulating the practice of a church or monastic order.

6. A branch of knowledge or teaching.

As you see from the definition, no where does it mention beating the crap out of your kids. It is designed as a teaching mechanism. You know this and I know this. Your Mom, should know this, considering, she's a teacher. But she's old school, is she not? I think she'd be voted out, in her manner. Does she think everybody else is wrong but her? Old habits and thinking die hard.

Thank goodness, my Mom, finally calmed down. But she was a terror and I'd been beat with a hickory switch till I bled. That's just wrong and the only thing that taught me was that there was a real good possibility that my Mom hated my guts. How sad is that? Children must be held accountable, this much is true and you can not allow them to do whatever they want, for their own protection. But there are a million and one ways to enforce, proper behavior and beating is not one of them. But you know this. So, what to do?

I think at this point, you've gone through the right of passage, where you are no longer, your Mother's daughter but a woman in your own right. I feel this as you glance at the possibility of disowning Mom, per say, because of her hold on these demented ideas. In light of this thought process, I ask you, right now, what do you have to lose here? Mother is the definitive answer but even deeper, would it not be empowering, to tell her exactly how you feel and exactly what you will and will not put up with? Really, if the possibility of writing her off, is right there on the tip of your tongue, why not, literally write her and tell her exactly how you feel. Address it respectfully but matter of fact. Let her know that you respect her, as your Mother but this is how it is. If she can not consider her own behavior, then you have no choice but to no longer include her, in your life.

You explain, that she has done so much to hurt you, in the guise of her so called discipline, that you are scarred for life. You will not allow her to even meet out a fraction of this behavior on your children. As their Mother, this is your right and you will not tolerate her berating, her discontent, her supposed strict attitude and if she wants to die a crotchety old woman, who no one has a nice thing to say about, so be it.

You have nothing to lose here. But you may gain an understanding and foothold on the situation. One of two things, actually three, will happen here. First, your Mother may be so miffed, she'll leave you alone. Let's hope not and you should mention, in your letter, that it is not your aim, to dismiss your Mother. We'll pray her heart is warmed and receptive.

You want to gain understanding and if she respects you, as a woman, she will try to change her evil ways. The other thing, the good that will come from this, is the cathartic empowerment exercise, that will become you, from simply making a respectful stand. Your stance as a woman and the Mother of your children, will be honored, if only by yourself. You will be able to look in the mirror and look into your own eyes and see the woman, you have become and the Matriarch of your family.

Lastly, she may be angry at first, you can anticipate it. But you make it clear, that if she chooses to remain negative, you choose not to allow it in your life. If she chooses, not to bend, it is her choice but by writing this letter, you are making a stand and you will not bend on this. Point out that she is outnumbered by a populace that does not believe as she does. If she was right, in the first place and her design and thinking was righteous, you would never even be writing to her in the first place. But as it stands, she has placed a lifetime of pain and hurt, upon your shoulders. How can that possibly be good?

Now, the clincher; You tell her, that you hope she will accept this offer, to bridge the gap between you, as Mother and Daughter. She can do this by trying to see that being mean, onry and all she has done, in the name of strictness, has only earned her a place on some forgotten roster of reason. Does she want to be remembered for being mean or for being righteous woman? Then, you remind her that a good woman, concedes, when she is wrong.

I also invite you to elaborate, from this post, "How Will You Be Remembered?" and the letter. Please read it and possibly apply it to your situation and in your writings to your Mom.

Mother Bear

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

My husband was recently arrested for drugs and other charges but there was a court order in place for visitation for my kids but he is in jail and my mother in law insist that she will come get them but do i have to let them go because the visitation was for my husband?

Dear Friend,

I am not in the Legal biz but I do know enough to know that the visitation is what the court order says. If it does not list her name, she does not have the right to visitation. If she wants visitation, she can petition the courts but until said time, she has no legal ground.

Now, the other side of the coin. Only you know the reason, why you do not want your children, to go there, with your Mother-in Law. If it is because they may be exposed to something, wrong or illegal, I say, stand your ground. Make her take you to court and then you give the judge the reasoning behind your refusal.


If you are just being spiteful and I have seen this before, remember that she is their family too. I have been placed in the same scenario. My granddaughter will be 9 in August. I have not laid eyes on her since she was a toddler. She has Cystic Fibrosis. It is gut wrenching to worry and wonder how she is. I know this pain, of not being able to see MY grandchild. Those children are yours and as their Mother, you must, at all times, do what is in their best interest. Ask yourself, if you are being spiteful, unreasonable or malicious? If you have a valid reason, it is understandable. But if you do not, please look at.

I am a mother bear and would die or kill for my children. But we can not be too overbearing. We must have a balance and give them wings. Just because you and your husband, are on the outs, does not cut the ties that bind. Family is important for children. If there's a true reason for your fears, look at them, make sure they are valid and go from there.

If you are simply being a mother bear, you must see that for them to make it, they must see the forest and they must wander a bit. Keeping an eye on their welfare, is good but do not be over bearing or malicious.

Looking for Rhyme and Reason

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Hi Aunt B,
I am in real turmoil. I am 38, have my own company, successful and attractive ("they" say). I have fallen head over heels for a guy who I met a year and a half ago through a mutual friend. We hit it off when we first met, same interests, job understanding and that thing we call chemistry was was really strong. He ended it with me very quickly back then because his recently former girlfriend got sick and needed him. He chose to go back to her. Let me say, he is honest and upfront- not a player, and I have had many of those, so I know. He lives in NJ and I live in MA so it wasn't like I was right there to fight for it. His last words to me then were, "I know our paths will cross again, I have got to be there for her, she was there for me when my dad died"- I cried for 3 months. I know how hard it is to find a connection out there and I was heartbroken that the connection from him was cut so short. Fast forward to this March...I sent him a random text to say I was thinking of him and hoped all was well. Our mutual friend has always kept me in the loop with him. In fact, he has said that he thinks we would end up together and that he always asked about me...blah blah blah. He responded right away to the text and said how he had been thinking of me so much and we continued texting very randomly over the next months. I let him know I would be in NYC on business- he called- asked me to a black tie event and said he really wanted to see me. I had my friends apartment in the city to myself and was there for 3 nights...he stayed with me and we had the time of our life....chatted till 4 am every night - talked about "her" and how he had not seen her in 3 months and that it was over. He took me to amazing restaurants and was a total gentleman- we slept in the same bed but didn't get "physically intimate" for those 3 nights. He than asked me to come back to NY for the weekend to stay with him at his home in NJ. I did. I don't even have the adjectives to describe the time we had. He described it as "a gift" a second chance- and was open with me about his feelings and wanting to move forward with us...he said he never felt this way with anyone before- I felt the same. It was easy and it felt so right. When I got home, we made plans for the immediate future to spend time in MA where I live etc...THEN- I get the call...he's in tears, voice shaking...he says his ex - yes her, called to let him know she was 3 months pregnant ! I fell to the floor. I wished I was her, and thats what I told him. He is in a state of disbelief, not sure what to do. He is now visiting family out of the country for a week to "soul search". I have received a few "thinking of you" and "wish you were here" texts. I told him before he left that I was in this with him if he wanted me to be. He was sick over the fact that I don't deserve this pain- feels guilty for causing it. The big picture seems dark. I hate that she is carrying his child....its all I ever wanted for myself. What would you do if you were me? Should I hang on and hope he choses love over obligation? My life feels like it is on hold. I also feel like God is playing a cruel joke on me. I am able to function but every minute seems like hours. HELP.




Dear Friend,

Wow!I can only imagine what you are going through? Life can seem so sad, so cruel but I think there is hope for your situation. It will take some work, honesty and understanding. But first, before anything else, I recommend that you pray for wisdom. I also pray for my wisdom, as I do with every letter I get, that as I answer it, I may be help and not a hindrance. We are treading on old school obligation and matters of the heart.

I feel you are extremely understanding and have been. I want you to succeed in your happiness but of course, you'll never want to stand in his way, doing what he feels he needs to do. What I mean by that is the fact that he may also be old school. Not that long ago, if you got a girl pregnant, you married her. Things have changed but for some, they still have those values and beliefs, deeply ingrained.That's why we need complete, unadulterated, honesty here.

My first impression or assumption from your letter, is that this fella is one of a kind, a good guy, one of those, a rare breed, that still wears a white hat. I also feel, that he had deep feelings, for this girl/woman. He may not have been "in love" with her after a certain period of time but he had "a love" for her. There is, of course, a difference. I think he is "in love" with you and not with her but has a deep sense of obligation as he stood by her side, when she needed him. That is an honorable trait. But he need not be a martyr, nor do you have to be.

This is where the total honesty comes into play. I think you need to state your needs and desires, to be with him and not feel selfish for having said it. In all actuality, you have had a whirlwind romance, twice but you do not have an in depth history. This is why, you must give him that opportunity for moving on and a come what may, attitude.You must realize that he may be torn between loving you and doing the right thing, in his mind. Being open about this is something you will be able to sleep with.

I think, he needs to realize, that he can be there for her but be with you. Playing the martyr, as I mentioned before, may be regrettable for you both. He would have stayed with her, if he was in love, I do believe and that's only obvious. But I think he can serve his obligation to his child, be with you and keep an open line of communication with her, at all times. But to run to her, simply because she is pregnant, may not be the answer. I imagine he would marry her, which would surely be a hurt piece, you probably don't want to observe. But for him to marry her and stay in a regrettable relationship, out of obligation, may be the mistake of a lifetime.

Unhappiness and feeling "stuck" in a marriage, does and will reflect on the child. Children are highly intuitive and receptive. They sense when things are not right and we often think they are oblivious, when they are actually right on top of what's going on. That in itself, it something he must consider. A marriage written, in the name of obligation, with no love, is surely a farce and the days of arranged marriages are long gone. That may, very well be, what it would be like.

I almost suggest, that you have him read this. He will see another view point and it will not be as if you had ulterior motives, a selfish agenda. I say this because, if you go to him and say the same things I just said, he may see you as a selfish woman grasping at straws, which you are not. You are a woman in love and I would be willing to bet that, if he decided to go back to her, doing "the right thing" you would be crushed but you would bow out gracefully. I am right,huh? I don't think you have a true, out and out, selfish bone in your body. I believe you do not want to hurt anybody, least of all him or his child. But you are a woman in love with a guy who is probably, your soul mate. Yes, I do believe in the premise that there is no such thing as coincidence, magic or luck, only Divine Destiny.The sooner we realize this, the sooner we see things in a different light, a different perspective. When we adopt this way or outlook on life, we see that every single thing happens for a reason. We meet people for a reason and things, sometimes bad things, happen for a reason. We see that it is a test, sometimes the ultimate test. And instead of saying, "Why me?" we say, "OK, what am I supposed to learn from this." We can then, choose to learn from the experience. You are both being tested, so what is the test for or about and what do you gain or learn from the situation? Of course, I could already point out several answers to that very question but I want you to ask it, of yourself . It's too late to turn back the hands of time and what's done is done. Now, it comes down to what you choose to do with all of this; live and learn.

You met this wonderful guy for a reason. This child was conceived for a reason and you have all these feelings and are going through this, for a reason. Search your soul, for that reason.

As I mentioned before, I think complete honesty, is called for. You tell him that you care enough to walk away but you are willing to share his life, to a certain extent and allow him to keep the doors of communication open, concerning his son, whoops, his child. You tell him, that you are willing to put your jealousy's or whatever, aside, in the best interest of his child. He can meet his child's financial interests and have a close relationship with that child. By you making it clear that he can have the best of both worlds and a semblance of happiness, you will not exude a semblance of selfishness but reality, an actuality, a way of life. You will do your part by accepting his child into your world and add this child into the integral part of your life.

See, you have to make omissions here too. It is a tall order for you to share this man, in a sense with the child's mother and to be kind and loving step-mother, to this child. If you can't do that, you sure as hell, need to back up and walk away. But I feel, you are not that kind of woman and I'd be willing to bet, that you would inexplicably, love this child, as one of your own. This child could have the best of both worlds and a good life because he is loved by you, his father and his mother and everybody is happy, not forced, into a god forsaken situation.

This was, difficult for me to write. I wrestle with old school values, too. But in looking at the whole situation, I think it is in the best interest of the child, for everyone to be in a healthy, loving relationship. The child will flourish, under those conditions.

On a personal level, I can tell you, that doing things out of obligation, can breed resentment, even in the healthiest, most stable person. I married, out of obligation, I was pregnant at 16 and it was a life altering mistake. I grew to love my husband but... I was never "in love" with him. We grew apart and we fought constantly. Don't you know, my children, my beautiful sons, suffered for my choices.

My suggestion, is for that wonderful guy, who has so captured your heart, for you, to have him, read this. He'll know, then, that you only want, what's best for everyone involved and that you are woman enough to do the right thing, if that's what he chooses. I think it would be regrettable, if he did not follow his heart.

It's actually so simple. See, the secret to life is love, laughter and family. If you value these things and seek, these things and happiness, you are a brighter spirit, your life, your love will grow. By misconstruing obligation, with what will make, love, laughter and family flourish, well, it may be a grave mistake.

Yes, he made a mistake, this guy, you love so dearly. If he was not ready for a child, he should have taken precaution, right? But we all live in the moment and sex is probably one of the biggest items in that moment. As I said, we can not turn back the hands of time, we can only learn from it. It is another piece of the puzzle, that which is your life, his life. When you take that piece and put it into the puzzle, "The Big Picture," you begin to see, rhyme and reason. You learn from it and when you do, it is no longer a mistake but a "Learning Experience." You then try to live, without regret and the reason for your life, as well as his, becomes clearer. You met for a reason. You are going through this, for a reason and you love him, for a reason.

Simplify this, as I said before, by taking the complexity out of the equation. Doing the right thing is following your heart, not jumping back into a unhappy situation. Everyone suffers for it, most of all, the child involved. Know that you must embrace his situation and his child and make it clear that, you will love this child as one of your own.

I have every confidence, that you are capable of all this and you have the knowledge, that he has some "baggage," he brings to the table. I am not referring to this child as baggage but the whole kit and kaboodle, the whole shot. This can and will work, if everyone looks at things in the aspect of what is best, for the child and not some dumb idea or what, oh my God will the Jones' say. He can give his name, to the child, on the Birth Certificate and he can represent his financial obligation. You can both continue on in a happy life and in turn, that child will not suffer for bad choices. Now, isn't that what it's all about?