A Move Before Anger

Dear Aunt B,

I have been best friends with my roommate since 3rd grade. Two and a half years ago we got an apartment together and everything has been great. About 6 months ago she started dating a new guy, which is great,but lately it is starting to become a problem for me. He stays at our apartment 3-4 nights a week and I am starting to feel like he is almost living here, except he doesn't chip in for rent. When he is here the two of them take over the apartment so I often end up sitting in my room for the evening. I like her boyfriend and I am glad my roommate is so happy but I don't really want to live with a couple. I don't want to tell her not to hangout with him so often but I really can't take this living situation much longer. I want to move out and get my own apartment but I'm not sure how to go about that without destroying my friendship. My roommate doesn't really have anyone else to live withand I know her parents wouldn't let her live with a boyfriend before marriage but on the other hand I feel like I have to do what will make me happy because I know they won't change. My roommate has also become very distant and confrontational since she started dating this guy so I have a bad feeling that whatever I say she is going to take it the

wrong way. Am I over reacting? What should I do? HELP!Thanks!

Dear Reader,

You know, it’s hard to live with a person once life altering things happen to either party. No matter the relationship (friends, lovers, siblings, whatever) co-habitation is one of the hardest things to deal with because we are all so different. So the fact that you two have been friends forever will probably help you in this situation.

If you want to move out from this situation, it is best to do it now before you get too angry and let words get the better of you. What I mean, is you don’t want to get into a huge blow out and then move and ruin your relationship.

You should let your friend know that you feel her and her boyfriend need more privacy, and you also need a bit more freedom in your living arrangement. You can tell her that the two of you are totally cool, and that you are really happy for her, but it’s time that you tried to pursue other things in your life too but you don’t want to jeopardize your friendship. Continue with the fact that you think it’s time to move out on your own because single life is different from couples life no matter how much you want to deny it, and you think that it’s best to come to an arrangement where you would both be good.

Maybe by giving two months notice instead of one if she can’t afford housing. It will give her time to find something or figure out what she wants to do move back in with her folks, etc).

In any case, the best possible thing you could do is move. You don’t want to ruin your relationship, and it’s hard not to get involved with things when they happen in your house. Feeling resentment for the boyfriend always hanging around, or the fights you and your friend get into isn’t going to simmer down any time too soon. So it’s better to let that be, and just move on.

I think if you are honest but not blunt or hurtful, that you can manage to move out without too much fighting over it. In the end, it would be up to her on how she wants to react, but honestly any true friend would see the strain it is causing you and be thankful that you are giving her so much time to figure things out.

Hope this helps you a little, and I hope you and your friend can see that this is just about accommodation, not friendship.

Take care and good luck!

~Xmichra.

Mixed Signals???

New Staff Advisor, Xmichra, answers the question...

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Hi !

I play soccer, and I’m in big trouble with one of the girls. It started about 6 months ago. She helped me out during practice, told me to “go ahead and play, and not just walk”. I was walking because I was feeling really bad. I had lost a good friend of mine. I was waiting for December break to quit the team. Well, unfortunately this girl messed up my plans by telling me to “go ahead and play, and not just walk”. Then she helped me by telling me who to pass the ball to, where to run and so on…That really hit me as I had really not expected her to say that. She’s one of the most popular girl in the team and by far the best player of the premiere team. I’m not as popular, and used to be a substitute in the other team (the second one). Let alone that I was feeling desperate, and obviously not expecting anything good to happen in my life.

Then, weird stuff started happening. It seemed as if we copy each other on the field when we play against each other, like we have the same reactions at the same time. Sometimes, my leg would do something without my brain telling me to do so. On the same team, we would just understand each other. This usually doesn’t happen with people who don’t know each other. This scared me a lot as I had no clue to what is going on. I think it scared her too.

So from then on, we started looking at each other. She says I look at her. On my side, I accuse her. Stupid baby game that we are both unable to stop other than by just avoiding each other, which obviously hasn’t solved anything yet. What’s more is that I do have reasons to suspect things too because she is homosexual. And lucky me, her girlfriend is in the team. A couple times, it seems as she has been hitting on me. For instance, during a party, I had put my drink on the table. She came nearby to serve herself, and placed her body right in front of my drink. The only way I would be able to pick it up would have been by putting my hand right by her sex. Or else, she stays in front of the doorway when she knows I need to go through. Then she says, “Go ahead, you’re right, why don’t you bump into me while you’re at it?”. She also fowls me and then say she’s pleased of so doing. Lately, she’s been coming right by me to say that it doesn’t smell good, and laughs with her friends. This confuses me a lot, and hurts me because at the time she had started off by being nice to me. I had really appreciated her help. I am still very thankful.

Could you help me figure out why this girl is acting this way and what to do about it?

Thank you

Natalie 22yrs old

Dear Friend,

There are a few triggers for me here. And maybe it is from translation, but this does sound like a girl who wanted to help out a person who was feeling low. And then likely what happened was that you two were too much in sync.. and the girlfriend got jealous. And what do jealous people demand?? reasons not to be jealous.. which is why this girl likely gave the could shoulder afterward and was mean.

Basically, I would cut the friendship or what ever that was short. Obviously this girl has more drama in her life then you can contend with. BUT, if you were looking at her in that way... that loving way. Then maybe you need to do a little soul searching too. Maybe you were sending mixed signals... and maybe she got caught off guard. There really isn't anything to her being homosexual. Just because someone is gay doesn't mean they want to have sex with you. But flirting happens naturally, and if she was flirting (which I actually think that she was) and had thought originally that it was just for her and she thought that you were strait.. well if you started returning those looks, that could catch a girl off guard.

What to do now with the soccer?? Just keep playing and keep the valuable information and skill that this girl gave you. Eventually it will all wind down.. if you want it too. If you continue to try and make a relationship with this girl (either sexual or friendship) be prepared for a bumpy ride. Sounds like she has a lot of pressure having a girlfriend, being popular, and a good athlete. So you might end up totally brushed off. So just be prepared, and don't let it break you.