Tortured Souls

Xmichra answered after the original post was published...

Editor's Note; I received an email from this young lady, Cheyenne, asked for a bit more info and this is that exchange...

Dear Aunt B,

How do you tell your parents that you should be placed in a mental institution?

Well, I have about 18 mental "disorders" and I'm not one of those teens that are open to their parents. I'm very shy even to my family.

Hi,
Here is some more information so you could possibly help me.
I'm 14 and I don't like talking about things with my parents. And I have discovered that I have the following mental 'disorders'(Some may repeat):

1.Depression
2.Bipolar Spectrum Disorder
3.Existential Anxiety
4.Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
5.Paranoia
6.Manic Dipression
7.Generalized Anxiety Disorder
8.Attention Deficit Disorder
9.Social Anxiety Disorder
10.Panic Disorder
11.Depersonalizaton Disorder
12.Expressive Language Disorder
13.Psychopathy
14.Hypochondriasis
15.Pyromania
16.Schizoid Personality Disorder
17.Anger
18.Insanity

I have all these disorders but I am not on medication for any of them and my parents don't about any of them.
So I'm asking you, How do I tell my parents that I should be placed in a mental institution?
Thank you for caring.
-Cheyenne

Dear Cheyenne,

Well, it's quite obvious that you have several important issues that need to be addressed, of this I know. What I don't know is whether or not these are true diagnosis or something you have researched on your own and attached to yourself? What I am saying is, while I do believe we must all be our own advocate when it comes to our individual Spiritual, Physical as well as Mental Health and well being, we, including myself, must come to the realization that we don't know it all and should seek counsel.

Being proactive is one thing but yet again, it is a common misnomer for even the brightest of us to misdiagnose ourselves. Thus, we seek out those that have done their homework, gone to school and continued their education in specialized study and medicine.

Just out of the gate, I can ascertain that you seem extremely intelligent. Quite often those of us that are considered fairly bright, gifted or near genius are such tortured souls. In fact you may have received an email from me and at the bottom it reads, "Even the most brilliant minds may have troubled souls." I write this from experience.

I'm not saying any of this in some sick twisted egomaniac sort of way. But my test scores have shown, long ago when I was made to go to Psychological counseling myself, that I was very intelligent. I was and still am one of the many tortured souls that wander aimlessly upon this earth. And we are many...

I've been lost in the depths of hell, they call Depression as well as serious Addiction. I've had Suicidal tendencies and was only saved by Angels, in those serious attempts, believe it or not. That's a whole nother story but suffice it to say, I feel and understand, okay?

The Good News

Today's medications have made great strides in advancement. Meds such as *Cymbalta and *Seroquel, two widely used medications have received good reviews, even in and among my own family. Yes, depression is treatable. Along with therapy sessions, which I greatly advocate in first person. You can grasp sanity and possibly live a close to normal life too.

Now, I don't really know the [your] real issues nor the severity of them. And I only speak from personal expertise but it is a fight worth fighting. You have to want it as I believe you do.And I want you to believe that it can work if you want it bad enough. I believe you do.

I don't know the necessity of your request concerning Institutional placement but far be it from me to discourage you. In fact, it makes me wonder or rather I have real concern that it may be in your best interest to pursue any and all help.

I recommend that you do not wait for a crisis before asking/begging/pleading for help. More importantly, I'll say it again, you must be your own #1 advocate and insist upon getting help.

My conclusion might be that if you can see all this in and of yourself, then most assuredly something is amiss. Do not be ashamed of all this. They have proven that quite often there are chemical imbalances which cause a lot of depressive conditions as well as if you have a precursory DNA for it, well, it is most assuredly something you can not help.

In addition to these precursors and/or chemical imbalance, quite often there in lies some sort of tragedy or trauma which may set things off, begin the manifestation or things or actions are set into motion. This might be in the way of abnormal behavior, thoughts as well as actions.

There are many factors which come into play, which in turn, again, can/may manifest into what made be felt or viewed as "abnormal behavior or thought process." But it comes down to each person, each individual, their actions, behaviors, cognitive or otherwise.

The point is more often than not, these are involuntary behaviors, some you might be aware of some you may not. It's the same with the way you think. You might be rational enough to realize that what or how you think about any given situation, is not really rational but you can't help thinking it or feeling it. In example, if you've been chased or hurt in the past, it may be almost reasonable to feel paranoia. You might feel it can or will happen again. The likelihood of it happening again may be slim, non the less you still have these feelings and you can't shake them. You become anxious which may even manifest itself into other behaviors.

I personally have a few "quirks" of my very own. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and when I become anxious I tend to pluck at my eyebrows and such as it calms me. But there have been times when I've walked away from the mirror with less and less eyebrow, a clear indication of my stress and distress.

This list of yours is very real for you and that's what we need to pay attention to. Your parents need to be told that left unchecked, all this accumulation of mental disorders can very well be a recipe for disaster. You as well as your parents need to take it all seriously as well as not be ashamed in any way about it.

Long ago, to admit that you had a "Mental Illness" was a situation most would never do, were ashamed of and quite often those people were tucked neatly away in our Nation's Insane Asylums. My own sister was in there for years until they closed Rosewood down.

The best advice I could give you, Cheyenne is to broach this subject, with your parents head on. Maybe giving this letter written expressly for you may help you open up and take courage, garner strength and be spurred on!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

*Not a paid commercial advertisement


Cheyenne,

I would strongly encourage you to speak with an actual psychologist or psychiatrist about why you feel you have these disorders, and what has lead to trigger them. These are very serious mental illnesses, and left untreated could end catastrophically. Equally catastrophic is feeling so much disorder within yourself that you do not function in day to day life.
How to get a referral to a psychologist or psychiatrist varies by country, I will guess/assume you are writing from the states. If you do live in the states, a referral is appointed by your insurance company, and you would need to talk to your parents about their specific coverage. Many insurance companies insist that you have a referral from your primary care physician or family doctor to see a “clinical psychologist” to determine level of care required. The steps you should take to get help, is to talk to your doctor about the things you are feeling (not with self diagnostic words like above, but by actually telling him about specific things) and requesting their help in finding further mental health. It is sometimes more beneficial to go through your primary care physician because they may know colleges that are really good in the psych area, and you could get some really quality care, But it usually takes a bit of time to set it all up (and thus money on appointments).
IF YOU ARE CONTEMPLATING HURTING YOURSELF, OR SUICIDE SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY. You do not want to put this off because you feel too shy to talk with your parents. You can call the national suicide Hotline at 1-800-SUICIDE for immediate help and guidance.

I hope you get the care you require.

~Xmichra

August 22, 2009

The advice, tips, and content on this site is in no way intended to be used as a substitute for professional advice or treatment. Aunt B will be happy to assist with obtaining appropriate professional help if requested. The site administrator and site contributors are not responsible for the actions of those patronizing this site.

Thank you,

Aunt B

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

Allow Yourself Closure

Dear Aunt Babz,

When I was eight years old my dad shot my mom 13 times in her chest. When the police brought me and my grandparents to the morgue, my grandma begged the medical examiner to see the body, but because of the condition of the body the examiner refused. However, the examiner took a picture of my momʼs face and that was it. Two years later a special agent from the F.B.I who had helped in that case came to our house with the evidence that was used in the case. Two things were in the box, cassettes tapes of my mom talking about her life (audio diary) and the photographs of her body at the crime scene. As crazy as it sounds, my grandma wanted to see these pictures and so did I. The agent hesitated and then warned us about how graphic they were. I didnʼt push it any further because I knew my grandma wouldnʼt be able to handle it, but I knew I could. Over the years I figured I would just forget about the urge to see them, but I didnʼt. My grandparents raised me so I had been around them most of my life. But at the time of her death I had been living with her and had been for a year. When she died I cried on and off, but I held the rest in. And Its confusing because I had only lived with her for a year, she was in the army and she was gone a lot so we werenʼt that close, but I cant move on. Anyway, I am 19 now and I plan to retrieve those photos and visit my dad and show him so he can see my pain. And as for the photos, I am a tough woman and I know seeing them will make me cry, but I would get it over with and finish grieving than spend the rest of my life holding on. PLEASE HELP AM I DOING THE RIGHT THING?

Dear Sherell,

You have been down a road that is both painful and hard. And for that I am sorry. But you seem to have incredible inner strength and a very great family support from your grandparents, which is so important.

Are you doing the right thing by wanting to see those pictures? I think so. And I will explain, but the second part of the question: are you doing the right thing confronting your father with them? I am not so sure.

I think if you were to confront your father, you have already played out in your head how that would go, and if you didn’t receive that image in real life that it could seriously harm your mental health. So I would caution you to not do that, and let it go. I would also ask that you talk to a mental health professional about the very real and very warranted feelings you have concerning your father and the murder of your mother. I am sure that you are indeed seeing someone in that faction, but in case you have decided not to continue with that kind of support or do not talk about this fantasy (this is a term that seems like it shouldn’t apply here, but it is reference to the visualization of the outcome of this confrontation) I feel it is necessary to bring up.

Now. As for you wanting to see those pictures. I understand whole-heartedly, and I can see how they are holding you back. Many people may not understand, but it is a sense of closure that you need. For some people, the closure they require will be that of finding inner peace and making themselves feel whole again. But for others, a need of cognition is required to make the puzzle complete. And by this, I mean in your situation you need to see the pictures and know what your mother’s pain looked like in order to aptly assign a reaction to it. You do not know in your mind if you are ready to move on because you are a logical type thinker, and you do not know if the action of moving forward or forgiveness is really applicable to the crime that was placed. You need to know the scale of your feelings before you can validate catharsis. Which to me makes total sense. Even looking at the premise of having a logical mind make sense. Looking a the sheer definition of Logic:

1. Of, relating to, in accordance with, or of the nature of logic.

2. Based on earlier or otherwise known statements, events, or conditions; reasonable.

3. Reasoning or capable of reasoning in a clear and consistent manner.

But the main thing is that you need to see for yourself what happened in order to close the unknown. That will make your reasoning skills develop the reason to heal. It will be hard, painful, and you may be out of commission for a little while because the imagery will be haunting and very likely gory. And that is something a person doesn’t ever recover from. But for you, for your type of personality, you need this scar to heal. And no, that doesn’t make you freakish or cruel. It is the type of mind you have, a logical one, and you will be able to gain strength from this and move on.

What ever you choose, please be sure that you let your grandparents in on your intentions and let them support you. You will need that support if you make the choice to see the photos, as I am sure that it will devastate you. So let them in, and anyone else who is of support, you need it.

I hope that you can move forwards from this, and that you will be able to live the life I am sure your mother would love you to lead. A happy, safe and caring one.

Take care of yourself.

~Xmichra~

Aunt Babz Said...

Dear Sherell,

I am in the middle of moving but felt the need to speak to you on this. I've not had the chance to read what Xmichra has said to you but I trust her judgment and hopefully I don't repeat what she has said.

I can surely understand your curiosity, in wanting to see those pictures. In your mind you are still searching for answers, a sense of closure to a tragic situation. I simply can not fathom how I would feel if this happened to me. I still extend my condolences.

It is crystal clear to me that you have not closed the Chapter on your Mothers demise. I would imagine, I would have difficulty with it myself.

I'm sorry but I feel there are no answers in your looking at those awful pictures. While you may be extremely curious, it will serve no purpose to see such things. Spare yourself, my Dear, any further pain upon pain.

I would possibly recommend listening to the tapes. It may give you some answers, maybe shed some light on your Mothers situation. To hear her voice again may as well be comforting. You have not said what you believe are on those tapes except that they are an audio diary. It may lend some understanding, it may very well lend to your closure.

More importantly, if your Dad did all this to your Mom, it is doubtful that your pain will impact him as you would like. No, I think it will throw fuel on your fire and make things worse. Why? Because right now, your mind is trying to heal. One gift God does give us is the ability to heal in the sense that we often remember the good over the bad when it comes to someone dying, especially a loved one. By looking at those pictures, you will be left with that vision in your head instead of the ones you now embrace.

Yes, our brains kind of take Poloroid pics of situations, times, scenarios, you know, still shots of people, places and things. Rarely do we have a moving picture of an event. It normally is in still shots. Right now, I'd like you to look within yourself, in your memory archives and tell me and yourself, what pictures are there of your Mother? I'll betcha there are some from the last time you saw her, some from different events in your life and a few from your childhood. It is them that you need to hold on to, hold onto them for dear life. Please don't cloud those images that lay dormant within you with things that your mind may not be able to handle.

See, I consider myself an extremely strong woman. I've seen more than most and heard the battle cry. I've watched as those around me were killed. I thought I was handling it all. But I wasn't. It was coming out sideways, in weird ways. Just in example, when my Father died, I thought I was dealing but I wasn't. One day, I noticed a ring on my neck. Having a medical background I immediately thought it was ringworm. I went to our family Doctor. There I was in the hospital gown, open in the back. As the good Doctor began his examination, he went to my back and was going to listen to my lungs. I felt him open my gown a bit. He walked over and got a hand mirror, had me stand and told me to look at my back. There were rings all up and down my spine, some on the sides. It was the oddest thing I'd ever seen. He immediately knew what it was; Neurodermitis or as it is sometimes referred to as Neurodermatosis. It is brought on by trauma, a psychosomatic illness.

Long story short, I was not dealing. On the outside, I was as cool as a cucumber in all situations but as the years would unfold, I began to notice things, especially of feeling like I was, "On Point," again, on high alert. Ultimately I would be diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with HyperVigilance. It is and was all to real.

Don't do this to yourself. Spare yourself more pain than your mind can endure. I would love to see you embrace the good memories of your Mother. You know she could be particular and she would not want you to see her like this.
Heed these words.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

What Defines You???

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hi, I really don't know what to do?

Here is the situation.I have been wanting to join the military for many years now and my husband

keeps making excuses for waiting and stupid me I have listened. Now I am 12years into this marriage with four small children and he has been diagnosed

with severe post traumatic stress syndrome.

His mental health professional has advised me that it is not a good idea for me to join but I still want to no matter the cost to him. I feel like I have taken care of him long enough and now it is time to think about me for a change. I am not worried about my children they are still young enough to adapt. And he has said if I go he will support me fully,but he has said that in the past with any thing I under take and then have to quit because of him. I want this, and need this for myself. Am I being selfish in wanting to make something of myself and just going for it or should I put my ambitions once again to secure my husbands sanity?

Please I just need to hear what someone has to say outside

the situation.

THANKS ANONYMOUS

Dear Anonymous,

My heart is divided on how to advise you. On the one hand I think you have been more than self-sacrificing and should do what your heart desires while you still can. On the other, I know I would be a hypocrite because I cannot take that same advice and potentially lose my family.

See, this is not the life that I thought I would live either. It's not bad by any stretch of the imagination; in fact I think it is more rewarding in some cases. But still, it is not where I thought I would be ten years ago. And if I were to tell you to do this, to make this leap which could potentially have a huge down side (not only with your husbands mental health, but with your children and the time you would be able to spend with them, and entering a dangerous job) I would really be quite hypocritical because I couldn't do it myself. I couldn’t do that to my family and potentially lose something I never knew was so great until I found it.

So. I really don’t know how to answer this, other then what ever you choose you need to be able to live with the repercussions (if any). If you feel like you simply cannot live not joining the military, then do it. Your husband did tell you that he would support you, and hold him to it. If you feel like this move is going to rip your family apart and you can’t live without your family, then don’t do it. Sometimes it is better to regret…. Not entirely easy to live with. But sometimes when there are kids involved, it’s better.

I also would caution you to take what your husbands doctors are telling you. They only respond in what is the best care for their patients, and your feelings and life dynamic is not part of that equation. If your husband is going into these non-judgment talks that psychologists love to use (and really there is nothing wrong with this method, it is quite good) then he could be telling your doctor feelings about this kind of move and it could be concerning to the doctor but not necessarily what would happen.

For example, I wouldn’t want my husband to take employment with the police or military. That scares me because it is dangerous, and I am a natural worrywart. If I were in a therapy session spilling out all my feelings on the subject, I would say that I would feel scared and anxious over that decision and that the thoughts of raising my child without a father would keep me up at night. And this is all truth. Doesn’t mean that if my husband was to join either agency that I would be neurotic or distant or self-destructive. But there is the possibility there when you look at the correlation from a psychological standpoint. High anxiety or PTS disorders are synonymous with rash decisions and the inability to make rational choices.

So this is why the doctors will tell you what they do. It is like a warning though, similar to that which they put on the labels of medication. They can only tell you what might happen, not what will. So just keep that in mind, and if you do take this journey be sure that you are watching for triggers that could help warn you if your husband is not receiving this change well.

Some of the signs or “stressors” to watch for include:

- re-experiencing the event. This is the main characteristic of PTSD and it can happen in different ways. Most commonly the person has powerful, recurrent memories of the event, or recur-rent nightmares or flashbacks in which they re-live their distressing experience. The anniversary of the triggering event, or situations which remind them of it, can also cause extreme discomfort.

- Avoidance and emotional numbing . The first occurs when people with PTSD avoid encountering scenarios which may remind them of the trauma. Emotional numbing generally begins very soon after the event. A person with PTSD may withdraw from friends and family, they may lose interest in activities they previously enjoyed and have difficulty feeling emotions, especially those associated with intimacy. Feelings of extreme guilt are also common.

- In rare cases, a person may enter dissociative states, lasting anywhere from a few minutes to several days, during which they believe they are re-living the episode, and behave as if it is happening all over again. This category of symptoms involves changes in sleeping patterns and increased alertness. Insomnia is common and some people with PTSD have difficulty concentrating and finishing tasks. Increased aggression can also result.

- People with PTSD may develop a dependence on drugs or alcohol. They may become depressed. It is not uncommon for another anxiety disorder to be present at the same time as PTSD. As well, dizziness, chest pain, gastrointestinal complaints and immune system problems may be linked to PTSD. These are often treated as self-contained illnesses; the link with PTSD will be revealed only if a patient volunteers information about a traumatic event, or if a doctor investigates a possible link with psychological trauma. Which in this case, he has.

I am sure that you have been told all of this already, but it is important that I included it in case you had never been told anything about your husbands disease. It is very difficult as well to deal with another persons sicknesses and in that you may think about entering a support group or therapy of your own. It could help you discover new things about yourself, your life and what you can do or can’t do for your husband and why. Just a suggestion.

I really hope that you can choose and have everything that you want and desire for an outcome. I hope your husbands mental health improves and that you can both lead the lives of happiness that you are both entitled too. Let us know how you decide, and if you need anything just write.

Good Luck Tara.

~Xmichra

Dear Anonymous,

This may the hardest letter I've ever had to address. Why? Well because I can relate completely, as I was in this exact scenario. As well, I can see it from both sides as I've been diagnosed with PTSD with HyperVigilance. I am not in group counseling sessions right now but I do take the meds, Neurontin ( Gabapentin use for PTSD) as well, I see my Doctor once a month.

I know what's going on, I do believe, in your head as well. You feel the need, to be complete, you must do this. To be who you need to be, in life, you need this, huh? Been there, done it.

I do imagine you've weighed everything out? In the event that you've not, I will help play Devils Advocate and throw out some things just from experience;

If you join the Armed Forces, the hardest part, possibly is getting through Basic Training. They will push you till your breaking point. There will be times you will want to fall over dead, feeling like dead may be easier. They will test your endurance and often times, women are pushed almost harder or so it feels. There are no powder puff situations, no tears will get you through it. All those years where you may have been cut some slack because you are a woman are thrown out the door and the exact opposite will happen. Yes, for a woman to make it in the Military, you must be a special breed.

I do believe and it has been proven that women are best under pressure but there will be situations that your sexuality will be thrown in your face. It will be held against you and you will be taunted with it and because of it. There's no turning back either. Those big mean boys will test you too. They know they can and they will, I do promise you that. Nope, there's no turning back once you've signed those papers. Your ass now belongs to the Army, Marines, Navy or Air Force. It's no joke, I'm telling you.

After a forced march, full pack, you'll wish the hell you could just die and get it over with. You'll learn to eat in minutes, shower in less, evacuate, in seconds and forget thinking that your Period will give you permission to go easy. Nope there's no such thing as a handicap or weakness. You will be pushed to your absolute limit and damned if it doesn't seem like you feel singled out just when your...
Aunt Mary comes to visit, if you know what I mean?

Say good-bye to the kids and calling them just when you need them the most. You know those little hugs, the tiny kisses that get you through another day? Kiss them good-bye and forget their goopy grins cause you'll not see them for quite some time. Yes, you will miss countless happenings, new events, recitals, and too many "Firsts," to mention. You'll sit on an Aircraft Carrier wondering how the kids are? You'll be in a Cargo plane, turbulence so hard, you think your teeth will crack if they hit together one more time, thinking about whether or not they are being loved like only you can love them? You'll be on alert to go where ever and not allowed to leave the base, ruck sac packed, waiting to leave and you can't call home because of security. Then when you do write, you can't tell them where you are or what you're doing really as you gotta keep it on the "QT."

The sand is hot, in your crotch rubbing you raw. Your feet are blistered and nobody gives a shit about the fact that it hurts like hell, you gotta push on. The food tastes like crap and there's no running to the Canteen thinking you'll pick up a nice slice of cheesecake when you crave it.

Just stuff to think about. Just from experience.

Maybe think about first joining the National Guard. Here are the requirements. Many service men/women join the Guard after their initial tour of duty. As well, this may afford you to be home but get some service in. Know that in this war time, they can and do ship out the National Guard.

To answer your question, are you being selfish? I don't think the correct word is selfish. I can understand waiting and wanting to be who you need to be. I also know there were so many things I still wanted to do but now am too old. I know that feeling of, "I wish I had," and the old, "I coulda had a career." I must add that the most important job you have in this life, you chose already. Did you realize this when you had all four children? I mean I must say it like it is. If you had planned as you've stated yourself, that you wanted to join the Military, should you have had 4 children only to leave them? Selah

I am torn in my thoughts, a conflicting mess and always have been. I can only ttell you from experience. If you join the Military, leaving your babies with a man who stumbles because of his PTSD, you must be held accountable for this. PTSD is very real. It is a real situation. I speak on this only from experience. I can not help when I get these panic attacks, they come on when I least expect it and I'm ready to fight.

My suggestion, before you do anything else is to research PTSD, so you may make an educated decision. Those that do not suffer from the symptoms often do not have Empathy, when it comes to really understanding the entirety, the very real feelings this disorder brings about, upon the person who is afflicted with it. While you may have some compassion for your husbands disorder, you obviously do not have empathy and yes, there is a difference between empathy and compassion. See, with empathy you would be able to understand the real feelings. You lived the feeling, you know the panic when you hear a sudden loud noise and you are in combat stance, like it or not.With compassion you simply think to yourself, "Well, his disorder is not nice," but you actually can't put yourself in his shoes. It's like a man knows you are in pain when you've gone in to labor but he'll never ever understand how truly painful it is. He might have compassion but he can never have empathy.

Ask yourself if you will really only be defined as a person if you join the Service. Believe me, I do have empathy for you, in this regard. No one wants to grow old and think, "Yep, I coulda done this," or have a clear case of the, "I Wish I Had's."

I offer you to look inside yourself and really ask what defines you. I know part of this involves proving to yourself that you can do this. Determination is the one key, self reliance is the other. In the event that you do follow through with this, will it define you? Will it really make you, who you are? I understand all these factors and ask you to look beyond, all the way from point A to point Z. Play the tape all the way to the end and what will be the outcome.

Finally, I will remind you of this and give you food for thought;

I am who I am;

I am who you think I am

I am who I think I am

I am who I really am

Who are you and what defines you? Only you can answer this.

I wish you only the best

I sure hope you'll keep us informed as to your choice. You have a lot to consider.

Keeping It Really Real,

Aunt Babz

National Guard? 1(800)Go-GUARD

Military.com (PTSD)