Playing With Fire

Adult Content Warning

Dear Aunt Babz,

So i'm 22 years old and I moved in with my aunt and her boyfriend whom i've known for a long time and consider my uncle pretty much. He also has a 13 year old daughter who at first I thought of as a little sister, but as time went by it became more. I started to become attracted to her. I actually think I'm falling for her kind of. She's mature for her age physically and mentally but still only 13!! I mean it's not like twisted or perverted or anything. It's not just physical attraction and I would never try and take advantage but I think she knows I feel this way and SHE takes advantage of it. Always getting real close and stuff like that. I really don't know what I should do. I actually almost get a little jealous of her little boyfriends. I can't go anywhere else to live right now because I don't have the means but this situation is really stressing me out and making me feel guilty and weak and a whole bunch of other stuff. So any advice you could give me would be awesome. I can't talk to anyone I know about it because it's just way too embarrassing.



Dear Friend,

I can see your dilemma perfectly. I can also understand it and your situation. I grew up in the 70's and quite frankly I was what they commonly call a "dick tease." Even at the age of 12, when I lost my virginity, I knew how to use my sexuality. I knew how to swing my hips and bat my eyes to get attention.

Yes, girls her age know how to work it. The problem as I'm sure you are aware is the fact that at that age, they don't realize they're doing something terribly wrong. Life altering wrong. Your life altering wrong.

I'm sure you are also aware of the laws concerning her age. It's a terrible thing to have to be classified as a sexual offender for the rest of your life because some pretty young thing was throwing herself at you and your Johnson has no conscience.

Yes, for the rest of your natural born life, you'd have to register where ever you lived and for the millionth and one time, tell people/employers/friends/girlfriends that you did not rape some girl, you just couldn't control your desires when she threw it in your face. It's no joke and she should scare the living crap out of you.

See, at her age, she thinks she's a woman. She probably has the body of a woman and in your own words,

"She's mature for her age physically and mentally but still only 13!!"

This all leads me to believe you've tried to rationalize it all or possibly put it into perspective. You've also considered justifying this whole thing, a premise you'd better be real careful about.

You'd have a long time to wait till she's of age. Now, ask yourself; are you willing to wait? If you don't wait and you follow through with your desires, it could really blow up in your face. The fact still remains though, that although she feels like a woman, looks like a woman and acts like a woman, a woman she is not. Remember this.

I don't think a lot of guys realize it but a girl as young as she is, may think they are mature enough to make a decision such as giving themselves to a man in a sexual situation. But they are not mature enough. They may give themselves freely, in what appears to be a consensual sexual stance. But they are not mature enough.

Most of all, when you are standing in front of the Judge and you exclaim, "Well Your Honor, it was her idea, she consented, in fact, she pursued me," he's still gonna throw the book at you. He's going to look you in the face, right before he sentences you and he states that you were the adult, you were the one who should've known better and you were the one who should've said "NO."

Now, don't think I am condemning you or looking down my nose as I completely understand what's going on here. I do have three sons and just as I'm telling you, I would say the same things to them. I would also kick them in the ass if they followed through with this exact scenario. OK son, let me tell ya a little story of what's gonna happen, if you let this pretty young thing get the best of you. Listen and listen closely, my Dear because what I tell you is gonna happen, if you do not tippy toe around her;

So, you think you've got some hardcore feelings for her. Ain't that sweet? She is cute as hell and built like a woman, a real looker. She's real sweet on you too, ain't that special? Oh, so you say it's not just about the sex, you think she's all that, mature for her age and all. But let me let ya in on a little secret; When she gets you behind closed doors, when the timing is exactly right and she puts the moves on you, yea, she's gonna do the whole seduction scene guaranteed, well son, you'll be the one who's screwed.

If we start at the top, in the first act of this Play we'll call, "Playing With Fire,"we'll simply hope that she doesn't get pregnant. Then, you'll not be able to deny that you slept with her. Nope, there's no getting outa this one, Sweetie. You'll not only be forced into parenthood, long before you're ready(and when would you ever be ready?)but now they're gonna garnish your wages no matter where you try to hide.The money you make will hardly be enough for you to live on much less take care of your new child.

The second act is one where she gets vindictive or she matures enough and flips the script. She sees that you were the adult and you should've known better. She sees it that you took advantage of her. She was just a girl. Now, she's decided to go to the authorities and tell them all about your little love affair. Yep, she'll teach you a lesson and you'll never do that again to any other young thing. And guess what; all these years later, she has the right to report it and you damn skippy, yes, you can and will be charged with a sexual offense.

The third act is my own prediction. My Intuitions tell me that you'll fall head over heels for this girl. You'll do your damnedest to wait but it's a beautiful thing when she offers herself to you. She'll fall in love with you but she's real fickle, temperamental, moody and you'll grow tired of the immature games. You'll want to break up, move on, date a woman. When you break up with her, she's make it clear that she'll tell that you had sex, a good ol case of Statutory Rape and she's gonna use it against you.

You are playing with fire! And you will get burned Darlin'!


Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Hello,

Ok, first of all, you're 22 and she's 13. She's still got a lot of growing to do, even if she is mature for her age. That's just too much of a difference at both of your respective ages. There's plenty of girls your age that you should go for instead. As far as you becoming attracted to her, just be careful, you know? You think of her as kind of your little sister, you wouldn't want to be like that with your sister right? And think about it, if your aunt and her boyfriend were to get married someday, his daughter would be your cousin! You have to be real with her, and if she really is taking advantage, you got to tell her straight up that you can't be together, and you two are basically family. For real, there are plenty of girls out there your age, go for a girl closer to your age. Plus man, I'm not 100% certain, but I believe it's illegal for an over 18 year old to be with someone younger than 18. And by the time she hits 18, you'll be 27, just imagine your differences there. Just curious, but do you have any other aunt's or uncle's you can live with? And hey, if you were to get with a girl closer to your age, then maybe you could live with her, and it won't be as uncomfortable living with your aunt's boyfriend's daughter, because I can definitly understand where that would be an uncomfortable situation for you.

So yeah man, I can't tell you what to do, but I will say that in my opinion, you should definitely stay clear of trying to be in a relationship with her, and find a girl your age, because I definitely think that will get your mind off of her as well, and tell her that it makes you uncomfortable when she cuddles up to you. I really just can't see where it would be healthy for you two to be together. I mean, she's only 13 and thus really kind of doesn't exactly know what she wants right now either, I'm pretty sure.

So man, I hope I was a little help for you, and I do hope everything works out for you!

mb3

Sense and Sensibility

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

I am a 16 year old girl and I am in love with a 23 year old girl. She's funny and she's immature and at the same time she's mature. I know I'm dealing with two different taboos here but I can't help it. I haven't told her how I feel but I've told my friends and they're very supportive and I've told my mom and she doesn't have a problem with it either. Everyone likes Shanna. We're really close friends and I've known her forever it seems like. I know everything about her and she knows everything about me. She's my best friend. I met her when I was 13. At that time all I ever did was sit in front of the radio in the kitchen and think about suicide. Everyone ignored me and no one really knew who I was. Everyone always said "Kasey? Sure she's like "this" or "that." and no one ever really saw me. Even my own family ignored me most of the time unless they wanted something. The thing I remember most about meeting Shanna is that instead of looking through me or around me she looked straight at me. She saw me when no one else did or would. She saw me when I was the most invisible girl in the whole world. I've known, really and truly known I was in love with her for about a year now but I haven't been able to tell her for several reasons. First, she is older than me and I don't want her to get in trouble if we did date. Second, we have such a good friendship I'm scared I might ruin it. Third, I don't know if we're allowed to be together even if my mom says it's okay. I live in Nebraska and I'm not sure what the laws are. I love her so much and I don't know what to do. She's the only person that I confide in fully and completely trust. I don't know where else to turn so I need to know. Are we allowed to be together now? Or do I have to wait? And if I do have to wait, then how long does it have to be? When are we legally allowed to be together? Should I tell her how I feel? Please help me. Please?

Dear Friend,

I can immediately tell that you are a passionate, deep thinker. Besides this, I feel you are rather mature for your age, wise in many ways, far beyond your years.

You may very well be on the same intellectual level as the girl's who's stolen your heart? The concern, of course, as you know, is the legalities of this situation. Yes, it may be an uncomfortable situation, if you bring it up? It may very be a set up for a let down?

Here's the link for CoolNurse.com, where you may find your state and consensual sex laws, for your state. According to her chart, for Nebraska, it says that the consensual law for your state is 17 and as far as the issue of male/female it says;
"Law invalidated." I'm not quite sure what that means?

I am suggesting, that you read her entries on this subject, get out of it what you can and apply what is applicable. After you've read this, I would do some soul searching. You obviously have, to a certain extent or you'd have not written me, right? But I do understand your dilemma and uncertainty, as to how you should proceed.

I do believe, love is love and it can't be shut up, shut down or denied. I guess what I'm saying is that, while I can't encourage you to behave in an unlawful manner, possibly you can make your feelings known, a little at a time. Subtle innuendo, body language and so forth, speak volumes as to how you feel for her. She'll either get it or step back. While I realize that you fear rejection or even worse, ruining your friendship, how can you continue to deny your feelings? I think you take baby steps, bide your time, till your 17th Birthday and as I said before, you hint to her, just how much she means to you.

I have the feeling, if you handle this, in an adult manner, look at it carefully and weigh the odds, you can't go wrong. What I mean is this; This can and will be a win/win situation. You must simply be prepared for every aspect of the outcome. What are the eventualities of this scenario? She could do several things, including tell you that she's not into that type of thing? She could tell you that she only wants to be friends? She could tell you that she doesn't feel the same way about you, as in she's not in love with you? She could tell you that while she does care greatly about you, she's not willing to place herself in jeopardy, concerning the legal ramifications of dating a younger woman? (If it were me, I'd worry/contemplate that if I broke up with you, you could use the situation to your advantage, against me and have me charged with statutory rape, as I've seen this happen, time and time again!) She could tell you, "Hey, let's wait till you're 17 and then we'll date?"

Now, there's just a few examples of what could happen. I somehow doubt that she will be angered or rip up your friendship, if you convey your true feelings. See, I don't believe you'd have a friend or care for someone so very deeply, if they were the insensitive and non caring type. She may very well, tell you that she wants to just remain friends, no harm, no foul. But if you look at every single thing, every angle, every possibility, weigh it all out, look at it real good, sensibly, fairly and intelligently, you have just diffused, taken away it's power to hurt you. Be prepared for anything and realize that the eventuality in all this is that she might not feel the same way. Right? Use your power of deducement, sense and sensibility and you'll own the situation.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Sex Is Not For Fools

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I had a male friend and I really liked him. But this weekend he started dating a 14 year old that was my sisters friend. It's not really the idea that he is dating. At age 16 is it inappropriate to date a 14 year old when in 6 months he's gonna be 17 and she just turned 14 not too long ago? The situation gets worse though my friend called him because he wouldn't call me back. When he called me back he said your friend needs to shut her mouth or I'm gonna shut it for her. When I tried to apologize he hung up on me. My problem was I liked him a lot and I was going to ask him out. I also work with him and I don't know how I'm gonna face him without getting angry. Should I try to fix the problem calm and rationally or should I just let it go? I really wanna be friends with him again but I don't even think he wants to speak to me again. I'm open to any suggestions thank you so much for your time.

~~~



I can not give an opinion on the first part of your question, concerning the 14 year ol female and the 16+ male and their relationship. Laws vary from state to state, concerning Sexual Consent, which you can check here.
We have laws instated but the margin for error is far too wide. Dating a minor, if you are 16 as opposed to have a sexual relationship, are two different things. If your 14 year old friend was my daughter, I would have to look closely at the situation and this fella before I could even consider the whole scenario. Even though we think we are adult at 14 and it is hard to convince that 14 year old otherwise, the ramifications and consequence factor is huge. Sex is or can be life altering behavior and having sex at that age is just that, life altering. Somehow, when we are that age, we don't realize just how responsible you have to be. Hell, I didn't realize it. I thought if I got pregnant, oh well, I want a baby, something to love and love me back and the thought just didn't scare me. What a fool I was. I got pregnant at 16 and it changed my life. I still, was only capable of thinking, "Hey, this can't be so bad, " until a real live baby was presented to me. The many sleepless nights, my baby crying and I had done everything to comfort the child, were awful. I watched as everybody else my age, went out to parties and to the beach, school functions and so on, with out me. I no longer had anything in common with all my girl friends, as they were still dating and going to all the things I could no longer go to. I loved my baby but I suppose I had some resentment. I did this to myself because I had the dumb idea that I was ready for sex and all the responsibility that goes hand in hand in a relationship. Even when you are old enough, having the Law on your side with Sexual Consenting adults, doesn't mean you are mature enough to take on all or come what may. I have to wonder if I was even mature enough in my early 30's for children? Don't be a Dumbass like I was, ok? Having sex is not for fools, now is it?

Now, in this day and age, you have to consider some extremely serious sexually transmitted diseases, on top of the baby making factor. Every time you have sex with a stranger/a person for the first time, you are taking your life into your own hands. You are sleeping with whomever they slept with, if they are infected. The scary part is the fact that they may not "LOOK" infected. Even having safe sex is not fool proof, only abstinence. And the worst part about dating in todays world is that dating is no longer just that, it often turns sexual very quick. We have lost a lot of values since I was a kid. I was just as guilty though and just as much a dumbass as the rest of the girls who got pregnant. I also have Hep C and I never thought all that would happen to lil' ol' me?
So to make a long story short; Only her parents can make that decision and depending on the laws in your state, that would determine if it is lawfully wrong. I don't like it but I'm no her Mom.

Concerning YOUR relationship with this guy, I have the distinct feeling you should stay away from him. I know you said that you work with him, so you may have to see him but I would just keep your distance. You could send him a note, apologizing but keep away. If he is or was ever interested, by giving him that leeway, you are not creating a bad situation or escalating things. If you write him a note, make it short and sweet. Simply tell him that you want to be friends vs. enemies and you never meant to anger him. You are sorry that your friend upset him but she meant no harm. I'm not real fond of how he reacted, especially telling you that he would shut her up. Even if it is a figure of speech, why did he act out so harshly? I think it may be with an ulterior motive and he may have had his eye on this other girl. It's an attempt to make you feel like crap, when he was the one doing the dirt. Take a look at that and why he was so mean about it. Then, I want you to ask yourself, is this the kind of guy, you want to really get to know? I am not implying that he was up to no good, I am asking you if it's possible that he didn't call you back for a reason?
Finally, if he is interested in you, by giving him an apology letter, if there is any possibility there, concerning the two of you hooking up, he will accept your apology and begin to look at you differently. If he stays with the 14 year old, after all that, then I just have the feeling that you are better off without him. Because your letter is a bit vague, this is the only way I can see it. I hope things work out for you and I wish you the very best!