In Your Shoes

Dear Aunt Babz,

I have been best friends with my roommate since 3rd grade. Two and a half years ago we got an apartment together and everything has been great. About 6 months ago she started dating a new guy, which is great, but lately it is starting to become a problem for me. He stays at our apartment 3-4 nights a week and I am starting to feel like he is almost living here, except he doesn't chip in for rent. When he is here the two of them take over the apartment so I often end up sitting in my room for the evening. I like her boyfriend and I am glad my roommate is so happy but I don't really want to live with a couple. I don't want to tell her not to hangout with him so often but I really can't take this living situation much longer. I want to move out and get my own apartment but I'm not sure how to go about that without destroying my friendship. My roommate doesn't really have anyone else to live with and I know her parents wouldn't let her live with a boyfriend before marriage but on the other hand I feel like I have to do what will make me happy because I know they won't change. My roommate has also become very distant and confrontational since she started dating this guy so I have a bad feeling that whatever I say she is going to take it the wrong way. Am I over reacting? What should I do? HELP!
Thanks!

Dear Friend,

No, I don't feel you are over reacting, at all. I could immediately feel and I get the distinct feeling that you are being more than fair. I also think you are only trying to be considerate too. But when it's all said and done, you are right; You have to do what will make you happy.

This is one of those sticky situations where you'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't. Might as well grab the bull by the horns and be damned on your own terms.

If it were me, I would write a carefully orchestrated letter. I am a huge fan of writing letters and here's why. As well, I would choose my words rather diplomatically. I mean, where you can, be diplomatic, I would but you'll have to be assertive and state your needs.

If I were you, in that letter, I'd try to put things into perspective for your BF. By explaining things in terms, she can't help but understand, you may be able to save your friendship? You'll be smart to start the letter out by stating that, while you realize that writing her this letter may seem a bit impersonal, you care enough about her to design this letter so that you would minimize any bad feelings. Yes, you care enough to think it all through and the last thing you want to do, is jeopardize your long term friendship

Go on to tell her that the reason you are writing is that you have become quite uncomfortable with your living arrangements as they are. Tell her, "You must admit, that when we moved in together, it was with the understanding that it would be just the two of you. And before you think anything of it, you are not implying that your boyfriend is living with you both. But just imagine, if the shoe was on the other foot and your boyfriend spent so much time here, would you be uncomfortable, as I am?"

I would make sure, at this point, you let her know that you are more than happy for her. You are glad she's found love and you enjoy seeing her happy. You wouldn't want to change a thing, in that respect. "However, I have become uncomfortable in my own home, as I believe you would also be, if you came home and I had my boyfriend there. You would feel like the 'third wheel', in the way and so on. To afford you privacy, I feel I must stay in my room, stay out of your way, simply out of consideration. This then limits my freedom within our home. I am not saying this is your fault but am simply stating the facts, my emotions. I think you would feel awkward as well, if the situation were switched? Would you or would you not feel that you wanted to be the considerate roomie, as I have tried so very hard to be and stay out of the way, so I might enjoy my time with my boyfriend? After all, when [insert name] comes to our apartment, he's there to visit you, not me? Therefore, I feel the need to go to my room. Again, I am not finding fault here, as if it were me, I would want my boyfriend around as well and I want you to be happy."

Now, I would not mention your knowledge as to her situation or rather the demands of her parents concerning her not living with a guy before marriage. I hate to say it but that's her problem, not yours. In fact, I don't mean to be cruel but she's placed you in a rather precarious position and none of this is fair to you. Sure, we want her to be happy but not at the extent of your happiness, comfort in your own home and feeling every time he comes over, as awkward as that 3rd wheel. It's just not fair but it is a situation, I just know you can relate to.

Yes, I would write the letter, making no demands upon her but simply stating your intentions, reasoning and your wish for her happiness. Making the latter clearly stated, you state that you are moving so you'll both have your privacy. Maybe then, you could point out that "she knows how private you are and that you hope she understands that you feel rather uncomfortable, as things are."

I would reiterate that you wish her the very best, it makes you so very happy that she's found love and that, you "pray, she cares enough to understand your feelings and can put herself in your shoes with an open mind and heart." If you word it this way, if she does go off about it, it'll be self evident that she obviously does not care enough to place herself in your position with that open mind and heart. In short, she was never your real friend, to begin with.

I hope she'll see things as they truly are but if she can't or won't, the eventuality of it all is short-n-sweet; You deserve a better friend, one which she obviously was not from the word go. Let's hope she can wear your shoe size, huh?

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

100% Ownership

This is an Update from;

Ones Own Trap???

Dear Aunt Babz & Xmichra,

Your advice helped some but when you said that is sounds like we were really close, i mean, we still are really close. We practically do everything together, and i definitely understand that everyone fights or thinks poorly of one another for short periods of time as you said, and thats a good thing to keep in mind i guess. Hopefully this feeling about her will go away. Also, when you said that when i thought she was being a bitch she may have just been joking, but its not like that at all, im positive. And most of the time its not that she's being a bitch to me. I just dont like the attitude she has for others. Someone will bump into her on accident in the street and she will go out of her way to make a scene like the person did it on purpose. That kind of stuff actually makes me embarrassed to be with her. Ive made some pretty horrible decisions in my life, but believe it or not, i consider myself to be a really good person. And when she went out with the guy i liked, it wasnt that she took the chance and i didnt. She didnt even know him but i had told her about him, and he ended up being a jerk so she started talking to him to supposedly tell him off, but then she ended up going on a date with him behind my back. I never made a big deal out of it, but i think it really bothered me, i just didnt know it, or show it. I think i have always felt like she was better than me maybe, (for one, ive never had a boyfriend and she goes out with a guy that i liked!?) and wanted to prove that i was better in a way, and maybe that's why i did what i did. And when i did it, i just told myself, well she has done something behind my back too. I know now that it was dumb to think that, but i couldn't help it, its just how i felt. Also, i understand that she may be trying to make it clear how in love her and her boyfriend are. That definitely makes sense, but she knows i know, and she knows im not interested or anything like that. Bleh!..I just wish that i had a boyfriend, and i really just wish our friendship was like it was before there was all this boy drama.

Dear Rachel,

It somewhat concerns me that the “solution” you see is if you had a boyfriend then all of this would go away.

I understand that if you had a boyfriend then maybe your friend would ease up on you with talking about her guy all day long. Or maybe you think that if you had a boyfriend you just wouldn’t care. But I assure you, that is not the problem or the answer.

This is an issue that you have to deal with on your own, because it is your feelings on all this.

I think you are a good person, and I think that what you did (making out with your friends boy) has made you realize that you can’t do that to people no matter the reasons. And I think that is a lesson you will carry forwards in your life.

Given what you have written back, I honestly don’t think that you can handle any more of her antics. What I mean is that you are sick of her attitude with other people. Take for instance the person who bumped into her on the street…. Why didn’t you say something then? Very childish behavior, and that won’t ever get better if you let her get away with it. And for you not to say anything makes it evident to her that you accept the behavior and condone it. Probably not the truth at all. Right? So say something when that stuff happens… my boss (who is way up the food chain in the corporation) likes to say on conference calls “silence is consensus” which means: if you don’t speak up, then you are agreeing with the actions/words of the others you are with.

Also, in regards to her dating this other guy behind your back… was it one date? I only ask because in all reality when people start getting mad at one another a natural chemistry happens. Which sounds really stupid (and it really is) but anger is one of the most common emotions that bond people together. You can absolutely hate someone going into a conversation, but from the heat of words you can see another side of a person… and that sometimes makes for a good relationship starter. It’s a psychological progression from wielding your weapon (your anger and words and psyche) to healing an unwitting target (like saying something above the context which you can see hurting the person, feeling badly for it, and finding common ground to respectfully argue). I am not saying that this is what happened, but it is not beyond reality, it is very common. Still, the point on if it was only one date… if it was, then I would pretty much bank on the above having happened because generally when one feels like they have wounded another they feel compelled to be friends or pay them back. And that feeling fades after whatever “payment” has been replenished (and in that instance it would be an outing). So think about that.

And you have to work on your self-esteem girl. If you are constantly thinking that your friend is diggin’ at you because you are not “worthy” then you will have a lifetime of hurt. You need to figure out that you are good all on your own. You don’t need to prove that to her or to anyone else. And you need to remember that the proof you require is in the respect of yourself. Not by doggin’ on your friends boy. As you can see, that just made things worse for everyone involved.

You do not need another person to validate your worth. You do not need to make yourself a target. And you can ALWAYS “help” what you do. What you choose to do is 100% your own, and you cannot place that blame on anyone else. How you feel doesn’t have to manifest into malice. You are better then that. So live better then that.

As for you and your friend… unfortunately I think you will just have to ride it out. And if she gets more malicious then I would sever ties with her. You two are close, but at what lengths are you willing to stay unhappy??? This has to be a moving on point for you. You and she have been terrible towards each other, and you know this. And now you will learn and move on. And if she doesn’t want to take that journey with you, then you have to do it alone. Jealousy and bottling up feelings will only make this worse and you are more likely to repeat your previous behavior if provoked. So don’t let that happen. Be the good person you know you are.

~~*Xmichra~~