Stay Friends

Hey Aunt B,

Thank u for taking the time to help me with my personal life,I really, sincerely appreciate it. So, I was in a relationship with this guy for about a month, and then he broke up with me because he said he had problems with commitment, and he said he wanted to end our relationship before something bad happens. Anyways,I was completely shocked and speechless because I didn't see it coming. And I know a month doesn't seem long enough to fall in love with someone, but I think I actually did,even just a little bit. Actually,we were friends for a couple of months and got to know each other before we started dating.Anyways, now we are friends, but not best friends like we were before, but we still talk to each other. I thought we were friends, but now I feel confused because he invited two of my best friends to his birthday party next week, without inviting me. I thought we were cool,but I guess not. At first when I found out, I didn't really care, but somehow I

started talking to my friend about it, and then I burst into tears. I would understand if he wouldn't want to invite me because it would bring up bad memories of us when we were together,but there are absolutely,positively NO bad memories that we have of each other that would make it awkward...I just don't understand....we still talk every once in a while... I don't know....It's just the way that he invited my friends and not me, I kinda feel like he is somehow forcing my friends to choose between me and him...Because if they do go the party,I don't think I can be friends with them anymore...Am I being unreasonable???Should I understand if they want to attend??Should I still be friends with my ex and act like nothing's wrong???Please help!!! By the way, I am only 17, so I need all the help I can get...especially since he was my first boyfriend.. I know what you're thinking, what does a high school girl know about love? Some people have real

problems...But wouldn't you agree that people can develop the ability(yes, ability,because I don't think of love as an emotion,but as an ability) to love at any age? Please don't discriminate me because of my age... Thank you for your time, and please lend me your wisdom if you can. -loveless

Sent from my iPod


Dear Loveless,

You are partially right, love is an ability but it is also an emotion. People have the emotional quality to love regardless on their ability to show that love and accept it from others. And every age goes through different stages and intensities of love.

This was your first relationship, which is a difficult thing to get over on its own, but combine that with being broken up with and not for anything that you can control or had any knowledge was coming... that is even more difficult. So it makes sense that you are hurting and wondering now that the guy has made it clear that he wants to be friends, what the hell his deal is with not inviting you to his party. I know I would have questioned that. And you may never get an answer, unless you confront him on his reason. I would strait out ask him if he really wanted the two of you to be friends or if he was just saying that to be kind. You may not like the answer, so be prepared, but at least you will know where you stand with him.

As for being angry with your friends, that is something that you are doing to yourself, he is not doing that part at all. He is not forcing your friends to choose, you are. Being upset because your friends want to stay friends with him is really poor friendship on your part. And a warning here, if you continue to do that (disown friends because of who they are friends with) you will find yourself very alone, and very bitter. People have the right to be friendly with whomever they wish, and when someone tries to take that freedom away, it usually results in a lost friendship from the pressure person. How would you feel if your friends were telling you that you couldn’t be friends with someone?? Not very good I suspect.

You do have every right to feel hurt and betrayed by this guy, and you will get over him and do just fine. But remember that your friends are individuals and that they deserve your respect, not friendship in return for obedience.

Good Luck, and I hope you can find some closure and move on.

~Xmichra

Only For A Season

Dear Aunt Babz,

I am a 27 year old female, recently divorced. Now that I am single I realize the importance of getting my college degree so that I can provide for myself. I am excited about finishing school and want to badly.

I work a full time job and I also coach a high school athletic team. I love, love, love my coaching job but it does not pay the bills without an additional full time job. It is also extremely time consuming and makes it impossible to add college studies to the mix.

I have tried online classes but have a hard time focusing. I prefer to be in the classroom. I have considered coaching for two or three more years and pushing school back but I am afraid that I will lose momentum.

How can I give up my coaching job that I adore in order to pursue my desire to get a college degree and be back in the classroom?

Thank you in advance for your advice.



Hello there,

This is a tough decision for you to make, because your coaching career is just as valuable to you as your getting a college education. You mentioned that online classes are not appealing to you because you are not in a classroom setting. Have you thought of taking an online class that has live feedback? Many classes now have group interactive lessons. If this still does not appeal to you, I would advise you to weigh and balance which choice would be most important to you. Do this, toss a coin and give tales a college degree, and heads, the coaching job. When you toss the coin, think about where you are hoping it will land, on heads or tails. What you hope will happen is the key to which you most desire.

I hope this helps!


...best wishes from Sidell Seyz







Dear Friend,

Well, there are a few things to consider. You love coaching, you hate online classes. But you want that degree and that is soooooo important now days.

Yes, in this age, you must, chomp on that line of competition you've got to have that Ace up your sleeve, which is a degree. Something to think about in the lines of job security.

The other thing you can try to see and envision is that if you can go to classes try to do so. It's only for a season. <---These are words my own Mother spoke to me when my heart was in such discontent about where I was in my life and in my line of work.What she meant is that things will not last forever. One thing that is perfectly certain in life is Change. Most importantly, these classes, even if they are online because that's your only option are only for a season. Life is always what you make, as well as love. If you must take online classes, you start with the mindset with discipline, something you lack in a few areas. Now, don't take offense at that line, it is a simple observation, one you should take note of and work on, it's that simple. I'll tell you that I am the Queen O'Procrastination. I can admit my faults and I work on them. You do not want the hardship in this life, or actually what perceive as hardship; going back for that degree. That is understandable, I mean who wants to have to go through the rigors of study, constant study? I have a life "full of wishes I had done." I mean don't let this time in your life, just pass by with such a large item looming over your head. One day, you too will be 50 like me and have so many "wishes I had done's."<--[new word by Aunt B] My advice to you is to look at the possibility of you going back to college whatever that takes. My wish is that you will see and feel fulfilled with that degree under your belt. Yes, this might take some real wherewithal but yes, I believe in you. Now, my friend, you must begin to believe and...what I see is, what I feel is...you are scared of failure and it's easier to stay put. Don't take the easy way out this time. Remember my Mama's Words "It's Only For A Season."

Dammit, I believe in you and now you must begin to believe in you and do what ever it takes. Push!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Attraction

Dear Aunt B,

I REALLY like this boy, but his dad is dating my mum, is that wrong? I told one friend but she doesn’t think its wrong but Im still not sure. I don’t know what to do … I’d love to kiss him but Im not confident, because I’ve never been asked out by a boy, flirted with or kissed one. There’s nothing wrong with me … I’m skinny, Long haired and I have a nice personality but no boy has ever taken interest in me … apart from the 10 year olds in my backstreet, but Im 13 and so is the boy I like. I don’t think Im pretty, but I thought of some suggestions for you to help me with: 1.Should I just say “I LIKE you.” And walk away. 2. Should I wear all sexy clothes and be confident because I wear baggy jeans, baggy tops and fleeces, apparently I have nice legs. Should I go all tight topped, short skirts and act sexy because I have those clothes just never wear them. I’d be comfortable in them if it would make him like me. I won’t change my personality but I need new clothes and a new attitude. I mean some boys like the sexy type of girl. 3. Should I20just kiss him and walk away – it will get the message across. 4. Should I wear the sexy clothes and kiss him. I love him; I’ve never felt this way about a boy before and Im desperate. I haven’t told any other friends and all the boys at school think Im frigid. I hate that, but if I did kiss him and he likes me back I wouldn’t want my mum’s boyfriend, my mum or my sister to find out. It would make me so happy if he likes me. Maybe if you could ask some boys around my age what they think it would help a lot. Please help ASAP.

Thanks

From

Love struck and Unsure x



Dear Love Struck and Unsure,

I would like to address the first question you have, is it wrong to like the son of the guy your mother is dating. The answer to that, is no. Attraction is something that is different from action, and we are attracted to multiple things about a person, regardless of a situation. It is perfectly healthy to be attracted to this boy, he is not your relative and he is of your age group, you two are likely hanging out and getting to know each other, it is completely normal.

But for the second part of your question, should you do anything about this attraction? The answer to that, in my opinion, is no. And here is why: this guy could end up being your step-brother. That is something that you really want to take a look at. Not just because it would be hard to explain to people (and trust me, you would eventually) but because it will make things very difficult at home. You are incredibly young, and things like young relationships come and go. Have you thought about what would happen if the two of you didn’t work out, then you had to live with him still?? These are big decisions, and ones that take a lot more maturity than you need to use at this point in your life. IF your respective parents break up, then this would be a much different answer. But your parents’ relationship is a major factor here, which I know seems rather unfair (why should it have anything to do with you?) but given your age and the circumstances, it does matter.

I want to talk to you a little bit about your confidence level though. I kind of have the feeling that you are more interested in this guy because you are feeling comfortable with him. Which is great (getting to know a person before getting romantically involved), but don’t assume that no other boy has taken an interest in you. You are 13, and boys in your age range are funny creatures. They sometimes react and act like complete idiots, and sometimes treat you like crap when they really like you. Or, they might just ignore you completely if they “really really” like you. It is crazy, and silly, and you damn near need to be a psychic sometimes when it comes to how and why a guy decides to take a certain “approach”, but don’t write them all off because you haven’t noticed them noticing you.

Also, about his dressing “sexy” thing.... Sure, dressing provocatively will gain you some attention, but is it really the attention that you want? What I mean by this, is that a girl who gets a guy because they dress cheap will be treated cheap. A girl, who gets a guy because of her intelligence, will be treated with intelligence. Be the girl you want to be, and expect the treatment that you exude. There is nothing wrong with presenting yourself well, but there is something wrong with letting it all hang out in a disrespectful to you manor. Tune into your own self, and only dress how YOU feel comfortable. And if that is all tight topped and short skirts, then that is fine (although you can expect your parents to think negatively about it!). But if you are a jeans and t-shirt kind of gal, then stay true to yourself.

I really do feel for your situation, I know that you like this boy and want to let him know. But really think about your situation... the fact that you would feel it a necessity to keep your feelings (and thus your relationship) a secret from your mother, sister and his father should be a very clear indicator that something isn’t right about it. When something is right, you know it and you can rest easily knowing that if others knew the truth you would be okay with that.

I know this wasn’t exactly what you wanted to hear, and I know the next little while will be tough, but you can get through this and will. Take care of yourself, respect yourself, and be sure that there is another guy out there.

~Xmichra