Sense and Sensibility

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

I am a 16 year old girl and I am in love with a 23 year old girl. She's funny and she's immature and at the same time she's mature. I know I'm dealing with two different taboos here but I can't help it. I haven't told her how I feel but I've told my friends and they're very supportive and I've told my mom and she doesn't have a problem with it either. Everyone likes Shanna. We're really close friends and I've known her forever it seems like. I know everything about her and she knows everything about me. She's my best friend. I met her when I was 13. At that time all I ever did was sit in front of the radio in the kitchen and think about suicide. Everyone ignored me and no one really knew who I was. Everyone always said "Kasey? Sure she's like "this" or "that." and no one ever really saw me. Even my own family ignored me most of the time unless they wanted something. The thing I remember most about meeting Shanna is that instead of looking through me or around me she looked straight at me. She saw me when no one else did or would. She saw me when I was the most invisible girl in the whole world. I've known, really and truly known I was in love with her for about a year now but I haven't been able to tell her for several reasons. First, she is older than me and I don't want her to get in trouble if we did date. Second, we have such a good friendship I'm scared I might ruin it. Third, I don't know if we're allowed to be together even if my mom says it's okay. I live in Nebraska and I'm not sure what the laws are. I love her so much and I don't know what to do. She's the only person that I confide in fully and completely trust. I don't know where else to turn so I need to know. Are we allowed to be together now? Or do I have to wait? And if I do have to wait, then how long does it have to be? When are we legally allowed to be together? Should I tell her how I feel? Please help me. Please?

Dear Friend,

I can immediately tell that you are a passionate, deep thinker. Besides this, I feel you are rather mature for your age, wise in many ways, far beyond your years.

You may very well be on the same intellectual level as the girl's who's stolen your heart? The concern, of course, as you know, is the legalities of this situation. Yes, it may be an uncomfortable situation, if you bring it up? It may very be a set up for a let down?

Here's the link for CoolNurse.com, where you may find your state and consensual sex laws, for your state. According to her chart, for Nebraska, it says that the consensual law for your state is 17 and as far as the issue of male/female it says;
"Law invalidated." I'm not quite sure what that means?

I am suggesting, that you read her entries on this subject, get out of it what you can and apply what is applicable. After you've read this, I would do some soul searching. You obviously have, to a certain extent or you'd have not written me, right? But I do understand your dilemma and uncertainty, as to how you should proceed.

I do believe, love is love and it can't be shut up, shut down or denied. I guess what I'm saying is that, while I can't encourage you to behave in an unlawful manner, possibly you can make your feelings known, a little at a time. Subtle innuendo, body language and so forth, speak volumes as to how you feel for her. She'll either get it or step back. While I realize that you fear rejection or even worse, ruining your friendship, how can you continue to deny your feelings? I think you take baby steps, bide your time, till your 17th Birthday and as I said before, you hint to her, just how much she means to you.

I have the feeling, if you handle this, in an adult manner, look at it carefully and weigh the odds, you can't go wrong. What I mean is this; This can and will be a win/win situation. You must simply be prepared for every aspect of the outcome. What are the eventualities of this scenario? She could do several things, including tell you that she's not into that type of thing? She could tell you that she only wants to be friends? She could tell you that she doesn't feel the same way about you, as in she's not in love with you? She could tell you that while she does care greatly about you, she's not willing to place herself in jeopardy, concerning the legal ramifications of dating a younger woman? (If it were me, I'd worry/contemplate that if I broke up with you, you could use the situation to your advantage, against me and have me charged with statutory rape, as I've seen this happen, time and time again!) She could tell you, "Hey, let's wait till you're 17 and then we'll date?"

Now, there's just a few examples of what could happen. I somehow doubt that she will be angered or rip up your friendship, if you convey your true feelings. See, I don't believe you'd have a friend or care for someone so very deeply, if they were the insensitive and non caring type. She may very well, tell you that she wants to just remain friends, no harm, no foul. But if you look at every single thing, every angle, every possibility, weigh it all out, look at it real good, sensibly, fairly and intelligently, you have just diffused, taken away it's power to hurt you. Be prepared for anything and realize that the eventuality in all this is that she might not feel the same way. Right? Use your power of deducement, sense and sensibility and you'll own the situation.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

* Knowing What’s Best for Baby *

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

dear aunt Babz,

I am wondering what to do about my boyfriend of 6 months, he is to possesive and always suspects that i am upto no good, we are in a long distance relationship so i to some extent understand, when we go out and he a guy looking at me he accuses me that i am involved with the guy,as a result this has always caused us to have major fights and have broken up many times and making up .

He keeps a record of all the fights that we have and he always brings them up. I honestly do not understand what his problem is since he is always trying to find fault with me.

His birthday was last month and i was expecting him home since he had communicated this, i therefore did not send him his gift since i wanted to give it to him in person. He did not take this well and said that the least i should have done was to send him a card.. After we spoke that night he said he will talk to me the next day.

He has kept quiet for over 2 weeks and the other day he sent a text to say that he does not want to be in this relationship any more.

I am dumbfounded and wonders how he could break up because of a simple birthday card.

I have not responded to him and i am honestly thinking that I will not be happy if ii continue to be in this relationship.The problem is I am 3 months pregnant with his baby .Please advice me on what to do.

Thanks

distressed mom to be

Dear Distressed Mom to Be,

I don’t think dumbfounded is an exaggeration on your part… especially since this guy was acting like a class A jerk.

I personally wouldn’t take another second of time wasted on this guy. Control freaks are mental when it comes to not being able to recognize their obsession, and they are way too unpredictable.

You are pregnant, which poses a bit of a question of weather you can make it without him. And I assure you, you can. In fact the worst possible thing you could do (in my opinion) is to let a child come into this distrustful and destructive relationship. See, a guy like this will fly off the handle over a birthday card. What’s going to happen when he has to change a diaper filled over with diarrhea? Or wake up at 3am because the baby is screaming? Or when you need a break and want time away from the house and the baby? I can tell you, it won’t be pretty.

Another point, is that if you guys keep breaking up and getting back together again.. well that is just not going to cut it when there is a child involved. That much instability will affect your child, and honestly isn’t healthy for you either.

If I were you I would cut my ties with this guy romantically and ask him to be a part of your child’s life. He is entitled to that much. But to continue down the road of on again/ off again and tantrums and control… that is way too much hassle for anyone let alone a Mom to be.

Let us know if you need help hooking up with a support group for single Moms, or anything else that we can help you out with okay?

Take care, and good luck.

~Xmichra.

Aunt Babz Said...

I tend to agree with Xmichra on this. I would encourage you to cut the ties now, rather than continue in an unhealthy relationship. I've never read real medical documentation but I somehow feel that your child is affected by your demeanor during your pregnancy. If you're constantly scrutinized, picked apart and made to feel badly about yourself, I believe it will not be good for you or your baby.

I also agree with Xmichra, when she told you that you can do this by yourself. No one promises that life will be easy, ever but Happiness is surely a state of mind, my Dear. If you have to live in a small apartment and eat Ramen noodles and fruit till your ship comes in, you will believe and feel you are happy, no matter what. Or because you don't believe you can do this alone, you can force the situation with this guy. Yes, for forever you will have to answer for everything you don't do wrong, all the made up iniquities and insecurities he has and so on. He obviously has a low self-esteem and doesn't feel good about himself.

What I have found is this; When a guy portrays and acts like you are always fooling around, acting like you are fooling around or he is always accusing you of fooling around, I have found that it is almost a window to his own heart and behaviors, right there for the world to see. What I mean is that men like that don't realize it but at least I can see that when they are always accusing you, when you've done nothing to provoke it, you've done nothing really, to make them not trust you, it is a clear cut reflection of how they actually think. They figure since their mentality is to fool around, that you will do the same thing. Think about that. Yes, I'd be willing to place a bet on this one...he will not be faithful.

Cut the ties, move on, raise your baby in a healthy and happy home.

Semblence of Solvency

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

My 25 year old daughter moved back home with my husband and me after living out-of-state for the past 2 years. She's working on her PhD and we agreed she could live with us for one year while she worked on her dissertation. Her target date to receive her degree is either Dec 2008 or May 2009. While we agreed on a $300/month rent, we did not draw up a formal lease like we did when she used to live with us. She has a part-time teaching job at a women's college and received some scholarship and grant monies so she does have income, albeit not a huge amount.

The problem is boundaries. She lives in the basement which is very spacious and private. She likes to nap in our living room on the main floor and watch TV in the kitchen while snacking. She doesn't straighten up the couch or the table after she's done and we find we wash up her dishes or put her things away because she gets very defensive and argumentative. She likes to get into arguments with her dad and can be very annoying with sing-song, baby talk, or talking inappropriately. For example, every day she'll say things like her "scallop reeks" (referring to her scalp) or that her stools are "fudgy" and that our dog is a "rancid-emu-piglet." For the most part her father ignores her. Because he's from another country, she likes to say things specifically to me that she knows he doesn't "get." Often she'll flap her arms and prance around obviously for the attention. We have a little dog she's fond of that she gets too close to until he growls.

When we've addressed our concerns and frustrations, she likes to drag out old issues. She will say we're picking on her, being hypercritical, or will mock us. You see, we dealt with problems with her behavior from the time she was 13 until 19 that required treatment which included meds, counseling and group homes. She was very resentful about what she had to endure and is still carrying around a lot of emotional baggage.

Her main diagnoses was anxiety,depression and low self-esteem, issues which I hoped she'd "grow out of." Her behavior was so explosive around 17 that we worried she'd even graduate from high school (so many of her friends dropped out). Well, she did and then some. She went to college, worked hard, got her bachelors, 2 masters and now is working towards her doctorate. We're very proud of her achievements but she insists on downplaying them and says we played and still play favorites with her older brother who is 30, married and a doctor.

When I suggest she pay for her own groceries ( those things only she likes to eat ) or pay for her own meals when we go out to eat, she gets upset and says she's not making much and that she's already paying us $300 she "can't afford" and that we didn't charge her brother while he was living at home and going to medical school. She makes a lot of excuses as to why she can't do this or that or seems to want us to feel guilty.

Now, her "Dr. Jekyll" side is when she goes out to her teaching job or visits colleagues because she dresses up nicely, acts appropriately, and writes brilliantly (she does book reviews and writes impressively). She's given lectures and participated in conferences. She has no deep friends at all and just hangs at home with us. I'm afraid that come next July she will say she's not gotten her degree yet and will want to extend her stay with us. I'm also afraid that our relationship is becoming more strained. Why don't I "evict" her? I guess part of me is afraid of her "dark evils" that are apparently still bothering her, problems she's never overcome. I've suggested she get counseling to deal with the anxieties and depression but she's convinced it's worthless. I don't want to push her over the edge but she's pushing us closer to ours.

"Losing Our Marbles."

Dear Losing Our Marbles,

I can feel the frustration level here, loud and clear. I think it's rather justified too, I might add. But even in situations, such as this, there are answers and compromise, to be found. Let's see if we can't find some semblance of solvency.

Have you ever noticed, quite often, that some of the most brilliant minds, have very little common sense? I can't fathom it but I see it every day, a million times over, a million examples. I don't know? You either have common sense or you don't? Then, I suppose, those of us with some common sense must often times, escort those, without, through life? Is your daughter one of those not blessed with good ol' common sense?

It sounds to me, that your daughter is certainly, a success, in many ways. I can tell you are very proud of her, rightfully so. It also sounds to me, that in some areas, her maturity level is lacking, though? At the same time, even you know her capabilities, concerning appropriate behavior. I mean, you've mentioned how well she presents, when in a studious fashion, business like and professional. So, it leaves me to believe that she behaves that way because she chooses to and feels she can. Maybe, somehow, we need to change her perception of what she can and can not do, at least whilst in your home.

Yes, let me remind you that it is your home and you are being generous, by allowing her to live there. We owe our children nothing but love, teaching of faith, values and beliefs, shelter and food, until such time as they become an adult. No, we don't owe them a college education or shelter costs, etc. or it'd be a law. Then, if it was a law, it'd be negligence, if we didn't send them or help out, concerning that education. My point is that, there's a strong possibility that she has a somewhat sense of entitlement, as to what you "owe" her. She obviously does not, realize the gift you have given, by trying to make it easier, on her, to obtain that education. Surely, she does not see, just how fortunate she is, to have that support. I employed many, many college students, struggling to make ends meet. I watched, first hand, as they had to juggle, almost full time positions and their education. So, how can we make her aware, of her good fortune and to appreciate it?

Pull Up Your Eyebrows

I'd like to slip in an awareness of perception, first though, an observation, I'd like you to look closely at and then we'll move on...

Familiarity breeds contempt, doesn't it? It's not easy, living with anyone, not even your own spouse. Couple that with a daughter who walks on air, oblivious to her attitude, lack of good form and that good ol' common sense and you have the breeding ground for an all scale war, in the mix. You've come to the point where she's got on your last nerve with her baby talk, innuendo's and escalating argumentative attitude. But in all fairness, remember, if you are looking for fault, you will find it. Even if you don't mean to, everything she does at this point, probably drives you nuts. She's invaded your territory, rather sloppily, I might add and you may have to just address the whole shabang, in tandem. The building resentment is not healthy for you. Eventually, you'll say or do something, you may regret. Let's nip it in the bud.

I always write about putting your problematic prose on paper. Anytime I felt overwhelmed by a situation that I knew I would have difficulty addressing, I would begin to write it all down, how I felt, what I wanted from the situation and so forth. You have a captive audience and are able to say what needs to be said, with calculating accuracy. When you give the person the letter, all is said without you being cut off, from what you are trying to say, as well, the conflict is not escalated or made worse, right?

I would begin this letter, by making it very clear that you love your daughter and can not say just how proud you are of her. You'll make it clear to her, that this is why you are helping her because you want her to be successful. Then, you tell her that it is your duty as a Mother to inform her, to be honest and to say what needs to be said. I will remind you again, that this is your home. Your home has been disrupted by her behavior and lack of sensitivity to certain situations. You give her the basic requests, which are actually the ground rules but you've worded it in a manner that is not offensive or condescending, right? You'll let he know that she is an adult and must respect your home and be mindful of cleaning up after herself. It's the little things that can often matter and like wise, those little things can build big bonfires, if let go.

It's all a matter of respect. Mutual respect. No, you don't need to evict her just set the stage for how things will go in your home, that's it, that's all. Ask her how she would feel, if you came down and trashed her room or her home, left things strewn about, as if the maid was coming. It's just a clear cut case of a lack of respect. Then, you ask her if this was what she was trying to convey? If she does respect her Father and yourself, she'll be and behave in a respectful manner in your home.

On a final note, I would love to see you, walk away from at least some of that guilt, you carry, for your daughter. None of us have it great coming up. I was abused and I was not always a good Mother, myself. All we can do, is when we are made aware of something we've done wrong, either by their admission or our own, we will be big enough to apologize, a heart felt apology and learn from it. Be aware that she is using guilt to keep you in check. Don't let her do it anymore. You are doing both of you a huge disservice by allowing it to go on. It's not truthful emotion, it's not healthy and it's not fair. Your daughter needs to count her blessings and be grateful for what she has, has had and will have because of your sacrifice. Remember this.



Duty as mother is;