Friday, March 26, 2010

Urge For Revenge





Subject: My only thoughts are REVENGE.
Hey whats up??? thank you for taking your time to read my question, I really appreciate the help.
Well here goes.

Me and my girlfriend have been in a very on-off, rockey relationship for nearly 3years. No doubt we love eachother, but we're so different in personalities that the friction was always there. Well from the day I met her I told her that I had slept with 8 women.... You know how every guy lies about the number of women he's slept with so I did the same...

On the 26th of Feb she found out that I had actually not slept with the above mentioned women, and that she was my first. She got really angry and said that I had betrayed her, for lying for the past 3yrs. She cannot or doesn't want to understand that its normal amongst guys to lie about that sort of thing.

Well after two days she tells me that "she wants to be single" but without the intention of hooking up with someone else and that we should remain as friends.... and that she expects full cooperation from me........ I was like, what the hell is wrong with you?! Just because you're crazy and that your feeling changed for me doesn't mean that mine did too..... I told her that.... I said that I wont be friends, I'm not guilty of anything, I didn't do anything wrong, and that I dont have anything to be ashamed off.....

Then she, coldly cut of all communication with me.... like she didn't even know me... I told her that we need to talk, that I was nice and supportive to her for the past 3 years and that she couldn't betray me like this..... but she hasn't replied since.... I'm angry, I'm bitter and have a lot of unanswered questions....... Did she really love me?

Imagin that you love someone with all your heart for 3yrs, and all of a sudden they break-up and offer absolutely no explanation.

I'm feeling a very strong urge to get revenge, I know that wont solve anything, but do you think that will make me happy??? And what can I do to move on?



Dear Reader,

There is something more to this story for sure, because the reason for ending the relationship is just silly. Not all guys lie about their sexual past, but this to me is a ridiculous reason to break up after 3 years... this my friend, is a farce of what is really going down.

But regardless of that fact, she did break up with you. And she must have had her reasons, whatever they were. Now it’s time to figure out your end.

I can understand the urge for revenge, it seems that it is a pretty basic instinct. To hurt what has hurt you. But in the end, you will feel even worse for doing something vengeful to someone you still care for. Imagine loving someone with all your heart for three years, and they get hurt really badly. You are watching them twist and turn, and it makes them so hurt they can hardly breathe without crying. And they turn to you, because you have been there for three long years... and the hate and the scorn, and the blame all comes flooding up and is glaring right at you... the one who has caused the hurt. The look of unmistakable hatred and distain, forever in your mind. Is that what you want? You really want to do that to her and to you?

I doubt that.

Most people believe that if they hurt the other person that they will feel better themselves. And it’s just not true. Revenge can only cause more harm than good, and there are centuries of love stories and tales that portray that very truth.

Do yourself a favour, and walk away from that feeling, and concentrate your efforts on yourself and healing. You will be so much better off.

~Xmichra


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Saturday, March 20, 2010

The Respect Factor



Dear Aunt B,

A couple of years ago I wrote to you when my husband asked me not to wear my ring and watch in front of his ex-wife at a wedding we attended. You summed up the situation so well and gave me some great advice. I shared your response with him, and he agreed with everything you said. You have the ability to read between the lines, and I highly value your input so here goes…
My husband is a physician who retired from the military last year and we opened a private solo-practice. I am the receptionist, assistant, office cleaner, personal secretary, etc…I do it all. Next door to our office is a café and we are friendly with the owners. This morning I picked up a cappuccino for my husband. It was not good at all. He was going keep it because of our friendship with the café owners. I took it upon myself to return it, as I knew they would want to make it right. When I returned to the office my husband was on the phone. I set the cup on his desk and it tipped over spilling coffee on his keyboard and papers. He calmly finished his call while I dried off the keyboard with a paper towel. When he finished the call he took the keyboard out of my hands and was going to throw it away. He was angry and said to cancel all of his appointments for the day and to get out of his life. I urged him not to throw the keyboard away unless it was ruined. I would deal with his remarks when he cooled off. While I was standing by the sink he threw the full cup of coffee in it making another mess for me to clean up. Being the peacemaker and people pleaser that I am, I apologized for spilling the coffee and told him that I felt he over-reacted and wondered if there was something else going on in his life. He paused and said the he feels that I have been cool to him lately.
I admit that there is some truth to that because I am afraid to open my mouth around him lately because he criticizes much of what I say. The other day we had a dinner party. While I stayed home and cleaned and prepared for the dinner he spent the day at the office and went into town. The house looked great, and the first thing he said when he walked in was “there is dog hair on the floor.” This morning he found my glove in the driveway and that irritated him. I admit that I am not perfect and I do make mistakes, but I feel that he over-reacts when I mess up.
He recently insisted that I take over his iphone when he bought the newest version for himself. I should have declined because last year he gave me an iphone and I immediately gave it back because while I was checking my email he took it out of my hands and threw it on the floor. So here we go again…now I use it to check my email, look at the weather, and check FaceBook. He feels that I look at FaceBook too much and asked me not to look at it in front of him. In the meantime, he is on his iphone daily checking his email and looking things up. When we go out to eat he looks at it. One night after we went to bed he turned on the lights to check his phone. Once in a while he will ask me to see what his son and daughter-in-law have posted on FaceBook, or he will ask me to post a picture of our dog on it.
On Christmas morning I was returning a text message to my son to say I would call him later. That irritated him so much that he left the house and went to his office for a couple of hours without eating the special breakfast that I had planned. He refused to open his Christmas presents too. We had accepted a Christmas dinner invitation with friends and he told me to cancel. I urged him to go and he reluctantly agreed. I was an emotional wreck, but pulled it together. He was silent in the car on the way to and from our friend’s house. While we were there my husband was the life of the party and you would not have known that he was upset with his wife.
So you can see I am dealing with a challenging and controlling man. I don’t know what to do. It seems his philosophy is do as I say, not as I do. Any thoughts?

Your friend

Dear Old Friend,

It's certainly nice to hear from you again. And I especially enjoy such complimentary words from you, I duly appreciate them. I'm sorry to hear you're having problems though.

Yes, it sounds like all would be well if the good Doctor could just be reasonable, huh? I mean he's been behaving like a tyrant and actually quite unappreciative. The situation is one of those things where you don't miss the water till the well runs dry. And I foresee big problems on the horizon.

I identify with your behaviors, i.e. doing all you can do to further "The Practice", being the peacemaker, basically putting your feelings aside in order to make things work. But for real, when it's all said and done, when you're sitting in retirement or whatever, who the hell'd want to have been a Martyr all their life? Now, do not take this commentary to heart and try to laugh with me on this.

In my marriage, I did everything I could possibly do to make my partner shine. He's a drummer, like myself and shine he did especially when he played concerts, etc. His hair was cut/styled, his clothing was clean and pressed, hell, even his toe nails were pedicured perfectly because of me. All the while, I bitched and moaned to myself because he did not appreciate it.

In Psychology, they have a term, you may be familiar with called "Passive-Aggressive" behavior. But in Psychology it means a completely different thing than what I use it for. A colloquial "Babzism", I use passive-aggressive to describe my very own behavior.

The best scenario I can think of, off the top of my head is I allowed my husband to do or get away with something, over and over again such as tickling me. Now, I simply hate to be tickled, LOATH it with a capital "L." Of course, when you are being tickled you tend to laugh, right? One particular day, he tickled me to the point of tears. He then seemed angry at me because I had the nerve to cry about it like a "whiny baby."

At that point in our marriage, probably 5 to 6 years into it, he'd tickled me countless times and I hated every frigin minute of it. Well, I never told him to stop entirely, I really never said anything in the form of stating that I didn't like it either. On this day though, I'd had enough and when he started mocking my tears, I jumped up, in his face and growled, through my teeth, (something I'm famous for) that if he ever tickled me again, "I'll cut your balls off and shove them down your
fucking throat." And he knew I meant every word!!

For real though, who's fault is it that I endured being tickled all those years when I so genuinely despised it? That's just a rough illustration and the point is that I'd put up with something again and again until I exploded. When it's all said and done, it's hardly fair to anyone if you allow a behavior to continue unchecked and an incident causes you to detonate.

I tend to be long winded but the point is fairly simple; It's time for you to begin to call your husband on his less than gracious behavior. Now I know that you are not confrontational and you'd rather bite your tongue than start an argument. The problem brewing here is that these things tend to build up until we can't see what started it, what kept it going or how we arrived at the Lawyers office asking them to draw up Divorce papers.

The other thing to consider is the very true fact that "We all deserve to be happy. Not at others expense nor theirs at yours." It's detrimental that you begin to assert what you will or will not tolerate. I am rather fond of my own quote, "While it's very important for people to know what we stand for, it's imperative for them to know what we will not stand for." G-Friend, you must begin to work on ridding yourself of the martyr mentality, gracefully.

Again, I realize you are not argumentative. Knowing this, we'll approach this strategically. My advice would be to assert your feelings into the mix at every juncture. You might let him know how you feel in a note left tactically, let's say, maybe in the bathroom. When the coffee incident happened, you might wait a bit for things to calm and write...

"When you go off on me because of a certain and simple mishap, accident or otherwise, I feel it is unfair, uncaring and hurtful."

This is just an example in the vein I'd hope you'd use. It all comes down to tactfully, stating your needs, wants, dislikes, feelings and emotion. Your approach should be respectful as well as direct. If you continue to allow this behavior, I guaran damn tee ya, he'll keep it up. He's also not a mind reader either so you need to make him aware of how this all makes you feel.

The most important aspect of all this is to begin to put things into perspective for him. He really needs to try on your high heels for a change. It's the good old and proverbial, "Put the shoe on the other foot," approach. And I would begin, as I said by writing these little notes shortly after each and every incident.

The Respect Factor

You said something quite profound, in the latter part of your question that made me really think. In your letter to me, you were speaking about the two of you had accepted a Christmas dinner invite. You did not converse on the way there but he was the life of the party. Now, I wish I knew how he behaved towards you afterward. You know, did he loosen up, was he in a better mood, yada yada yada?

Anywho, the thing I want you to notice is how your husband is able to turn it on and turn it off. I'm speaking of The Respect Factor. He turns it off in his dealings with you. He turns it on , I'm assuming (and betting on), with his friends, patients, colleagues. Now, ask yourself, why is this?

Your husband does not respect you as he should. This is plain and simple. Did he ever? I do not know. Did he lose his respect for you? I can't answer that either. One thing is crystal clear though and allow me to make my point here;

He knows how to turn it on and off. He knows that if he does not show respect in his profession, he'll lose patients. He knows that if he does not show respect to his colleagues, he will lose their respect. He knows that if he does not show respect to his friends, he will not keep those friends for very long. On & Off, like a light switch.

Let me say that I do believe that a good woman is good to her husband. And without sounding redundant, a good man takes note of a good woman. He does not take her for granted, he does not treat her less than or with a lack of due respect and that's basically what's going on here.

Our Darling Doctor simply needs a refresher course in the importance of treating his wife as his equal/partner, not his minion. And it's paramount that he might realize the importance of a loyal and loving wife, never taking it for granted, never forgetting her feelings are as valuable as any others.

I'm praying for your marriage as I do value the sanctity of your union. You may not have the same understanding of Spiritual matters as I do? I'm hoping that you do. Having said this, I am a firm believer, first in the power of prayer and I suggest that you pray for your marriage and for your husbands ears to be opened and his heart, warmed with comprehension.

Secondly, well, hubby may not have received the "Memo." Husbandry has come a long way but at the same time, many inherited beliefs as well as behaviors have been passed down, mother to son, father to son which inherently dictate what our men believe.

I am not one of those women, "I am woman, hear me roar,"and in fact may be guilty of some old thinking, age old. At the same time, what I've learned in my years on this earth is part observance, part learned behavior and part biblical fact.

What I'm actually getting at is that God made woman not in subservience but to enhance our husband. The differences, both physical as well as mental are assigned in accordance with what is best suited in a partnership. One example of this is that women are given the gift/art of intuition where as most men do not have this. What may be obvious to us is buried for many men. Thus, they need us to whisper in their ear what we may see that they do not.

I could go on and on as to the importance of this union, this partnership but suffice it to say it is your divine destiny to be married to this man (God given). My suggestion is to continue to work on it, do whatever it takes to make it work but do not allow it to go on as it has.

I think it's a wonderful thing that you care enough to have written, that you love your husband enough to pull out all the stops and hopefully you'll use all the tools you can find to make it work...smoothly.



My prescription for hubby...

Rx: Check yourself q.i.d. for Spousal Respect Factor Awareness



Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

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Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Letter To Mom

Dear Aunt B,

I have been having problems with my mother for over 14 years. Growing up my mother always favored my sister only a year older. She could go out, I couldnt. The reason was, she felt my sister was more mature. Meanwhile my sister treated me like a second class citizen and never wanted me around. My senior year in highschool she wouldnt let me go anywhere because I became depressed about school, which made it worse. Not to mention I went on antidepressants which my choice for social anxiety and she forced me to take antidepressants when I would talk to her about problems in school which were making me feel invalidated for how I felt. I didnt talk to anyone that year due to feeling very shut out. I went off to college to hope things would get better. When I came home from college breaks she had me have curfews, the whole time. Everytime I came home on break it became worse. We fought over everything. She wanted to control who I saw and I felt I was an adult. I went back on medication and then when we fought she would hand the bottle at me for me to feel like the crazy one. It was awful because now this medication was her weapon. I started to ignore her control and then she threw my things on the lawn. When I came home from college I feel into a depression. No one was around I grew up with anymore. My family treated me poorly. She continued to try and control. Anytime I was upset with her treatment she pulled the medication deal at me. I then suggested therapy with her. She went three times and felt that the counselor was against her because she asked her why she invalidates everything I say. I finally moved out of the house and tried to speak to her over the phone why she treated me this way and she would hang up on me. She would hardly talk about anything. Then she said it was in the past. I felt broken, torn, self esteem damaged. I felt no belonging in the world. I dont know whats going on. After years of therapy to get past the trauma, and damaged selfesteem, I felt it was not really going anywhere. I felt most of my issues was from how she treated me and I wanted answers. I am 31 now. If we talk about anything she says that she does not want to talk about the past. I told her it would help me but she makes me feel guilty for talking about anything, talks for two minutes and then hangs up the phone. I really feel that she is the one that has the problem not me, she has broken me down over the years. I truly felt she never wanted me to grow up. I moved to Florida to start a new life, but I feel she ruined the life I was supposed to have. When I was depressed she told me I was born this way and gave me magazine articles every week just to prove it. I felt she wanted to have so much power over me so I would be so broken down that I would never leave. I am still having issues with her. She puts me down for wanting to discuss issues that has still affected me and my mental health into the adult years, which I am still struggling with. She tells me I am obsessing because I try and discuss it all the time. I am trying to get past the issues by resolving them which she has always made so difficult. We could have gotten it over and done with in counseling but she refused to go. Now she just stings me along talking two minutes at a time when there is alot of things to resolve. I dont know if its head games, control or what. Most people I have discussed this with tell me that I should not have anything to do with her. When I discuss these things with my mother she tells me that I make her feel like a monster..when all I am doing is discussing the truth. I feel I need to discuss these things because they bother me. She acted this way and does not want to be held accountable for anything. Whats confusing is, there was so much damage emotionally done to me that I feel like it is continuing and never ending. I cant understand why we cant just talk about the issues all at one time and get them over with. She has all my life told me that me and my sister are so "different" and due to the favoritism it made me feel inferior. I need your advice please help on this situation. -DD



Dear DD,

I can sooooooooooo relate to your letter and I sure as hell feel your pain. I can and will also validate you wanting to resolve it in one way or another. Yes, until you grab that Bull by the horns, "It'll always own you!"

So what can you do, g-friend, you know, to get to a place of owning your own emotions again? I mean for real the only one that is truly suffering here is you. It is your trauma, most of which, I'm betting your Mom doesn't even remember. Yea, you are barking up the wrong tree trying to get too far with her.

Briefly, I realized the last statement, where I said, "
It is your trauma, most of which, I'm betting your Mom doesn't even remember,"when my own sons would mention something heinous I may have done to them. In fact, not long ago, my youngest son, Waylon, mentioned just such an occasion where I was rather brutal with him. Apparently he was about to call me an "f'n bitch." He was all of 15 years old, a strapping young lad at that. But humorously, I might add, only got the first word and the beginning of the second word out when I busted him in his mouth with a closed fist.

Now see, I hardly remember that or the countless other injustices that have been brought to my attention. My boys have been very forgiving of the many mean and down right nasty ass things I've done to them. I am so extremely fortunate that they have such forgiving souls. At the same time, when they have brought up a few savory tidbits, some things I do not beg for forgiveness and the incident depicted, well suffice it to say, hell will freeze over before I'll apologize for that one.

The point is very clear; you harbor these feelings, while she's unaware and it doesn't even affect her, unfortunately, in the very least. Now I don't say this in an off handed manner. No, it's just simple fact as well as human nature. Hopefully you can see this or try to understand it.

As of this point in time, your Mom just does not want to deal. She doesn't see or even feel the importance of hashing it all out nor does she comprehend your need to "get it all out." In her mind it's best left in the past, neat and tidy, swept under the rug. It's just a waste of time to her. So, what can you do?

The best advice I can give you is to write her a lengthy letter. In this letter you tell it all, get it all out. After all, what do you have to lose? I mean, you're an adult now and I think as long as you keep it respectful, this may be the only way of making an impact as to the real nature of your feelings.

Don't expect much from this whole affair, I hate to say. Mom's just not in the frame of mind you'd wish she was in. But that's not the important aspect of this whole scenario, you know trying to get her to understand, comprehend or even to apologize for her transgressions.

In other words, don't hold your breath ever if this is what you might anticipate from anything, any interaction with her. She's just not capable of it. Yes, she's narrow and does not function in the same capacity as you do.

My greatest concern is solely with YOUR outcome and what you may garner from this. I happen to feel it may be cathartic for you to write it all down, every detail, all that you feel. I think it's equally important for you to address the past and then leave it there.

In this letter, you tell your Mother exactly how you feel, how you felt through the years and hold nothing back. Tell her the exact things that you've mentioned to me. Again, be respectful, as you should always be to your Mother.

Hold nothing back in this all important letter to Mom. And it's got to contain all the hurt, all the pain, all the shame, all the emotion that you've felt through out these years. It may take you a minute to construct this letter so don't be hasty.

This is an exercise in owning yourself again. By writing this letter, saying every thing that needs to be said, you'll get it out and hopefully she'll read it and read it again. Maybe once it's in black & white, she see, possibly visualize the damage she has done. But...don't hold your breath!

Again, I can only reiterate that I would like to see you become you without the past holding you back. Until such time as you begin to leave it all in the past, it will slow you down and hinder any progress.

After you've mailed out this letter, you know the very minute that you put it in the mailbox, I'd like you to ask yourself this pertinent question;

How much longer will I allow this whole thing to own me, who I am, who I will and can be???


See, in this quest that you've been on, you've allowed your Mother to still own who you are. You've become obsessed in a stagnant situation, a scenario with no design for your own healthy state of mind.

The greatest thing you could ever do for yourself, the greatest revenge, for lack of a better word would be to get it all out, step on it and begin to heal and move on.

I know that sounds a bit flip or easier said than done. At the same time I do believe you've got to come to a realization that you will never change your Mother you can only change yourself.

Having said all that, ask yourself this next question;

Does your Mother really deserve to own your pain one more minute?


I think the answer is clear; Your Mom has played mind games, been hurtful, spiteful and mean for far too long. While you might always love your Mother, that does not mean you have to like her at all times. You've vied for her attention all these years and basically she had her favorite in your sister. Well, let her have it, leave her be and rise above it.

I'll pray for your healing which starts with you forgiving her.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Further Reading;

Why Write A Letter???


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