Thursday, March 26, 2009

Intuition Is More




Dear Aunt B,

Hi, O.k, this is just a bit wierd, but any help would be very much appreciated, as I am very much the agony aunt of my friends, but from whatever way I look at this, I can't find a solution.

I am currently with a fantastic guy, he loves me, and I truly think we are soulmates, we were finishing eachothers sentences when we had only just met, and continue to baffle our friends and relatives with our ability to be on the same wave length. He knows what I want with out me having to hint or anything, as if he can read my mind. It's great :)

However, for some reason, I can't stop thinking about his ex girlfriend...I know. It's weird. They didn't go out very long, and they are still close friends, he has always been open about there friendship, I know for a fact, nothing would ever happen between them again. Ever, they have both moved on. He has said he feels like he 'messed her up' which, as he thinks the world is on his shoulders, I know he feels like he has to help her whenever he can as a result, (especailly as she has a tendency to burden him with her issues). I am generally a secure, none obbsessive or jelous person. Although I once had a dream where he kissed her infront of me and acted completly out of character to normal life, it really upset me, but it was so surreal, does this mean anything? I really don't get it, I can't help thinking where she is and what she does. I just want to stop thinking about this. It's stupid. I know it's natural to feel uneasy about the one you love having been with someone else, but he's really comfortable telling me anything about it, and I know if he knew, he'd say: that's crazy, I love YOU, she's just a mate...so why am I loosing sleep over this? ...on some level I think it may be because I could never imagine myself being such close friends with some one I went out with, maybe I just don't understand. I dunno. She was also snide an cold towards me the first couple of times I met her, and seems to only of just come round to being friendly...in fact she said I was awesome the last time we were all together. So why can't I stop thinking about her?? PLEASE help. So confused :S

Thank you.


Dear Reader,

Thanks for posting your question. I am from the old school of thought, that intuition is more than it seems to be. In other words, you evidently harbor some doubt about your boyfriend's loyalty to you, in regard to this ex girlfriend you speak of. So, perhaps you have a reason to feel this way. My advice to you is that you stop doubting yourself and cease putting yourself down over it. It's best to be open about your feelings, and see what transpires in the days to come. I think your questions, in time, will be answered that way.

I hope this helps, and thanks again, for asking advice................

SidellSez



Cont'd...


I will also answer this asap...
Sorry for the delay in answering you.


Dear Reader,

The title to this post speaks volumes, for one. Always rely on your Intuition and it will never steer you wrong.

I think it's safe to say that the vast majority of women would most certainly side with you. The point to make is simple; Would your current fella want you doing the same thing with one of your ex's?

My own Intuition tells me that this woman is not to be trusted and I can actually see her taking great pleasure in the fact that she still has your man wrapped around her little finger.I somehow feel she uses his kindness, his gentle nature and without him even realizing it, she plays head games in her twisted ploy to keep him in check. And you can tell him I said so.

Having said that, my advice to you would be to simply sit him down and let him know that this entire situation makes you uncomfortable. I believe you when you say it's not a matter of jealousy. However, your fella needs to understand that it's just not proper no matter how adult we want to act, especially if their relationship was of a sexual nature.

You explain to him that it's also not a matter of trust, as you trust him...it's her that you can not define...it's her that you don't trust. That is human nature. He could reassure you till the cows come home but yet again, you don't know her like he knows her, which by the way says it all.

My suggestion is a campaign to begin distancing himself from her. I know this much; If I told my man that the whole damn thing makes me uncomfortable, is a thorn in the side of your good relationship then I do believe he needs to heed the warning. And it's not an unreasonable request.

Her life is her life and the time has come for them to part ways. He has done what he has done out of guilt. She is taking advantage of the situation and his good nature. It needs to stop. She is extremely manipulating and I just happen to know she gets extreme pleasure out of making you uncomfortable.

In the event I am right, (and I'm betting that I am)don't you think he needs to stop being used and abused and move on to a healthy and happy relationship with the one woman who loves him enough to have put up with this bozo bull, one who cares enough to have sought counsel in order to make it all work?

Now...I'm betting on you!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Be An Onion


Dear Aunt Babz,

Okay so this is my first time writing you but okay so there's this guy who i've never been interested in, never found him attractive or anything. i met him once and i see him around school alot in between classes and at lunch but lately i've been really noticing him more and wanting to see him and talk to him. i don't talk to him much either, just say hey in the hall but i never cared until recently. now when i see him i try to put on my cutest face and my best attitude when he says hey and the times when he doesnt i worry if he didnt notice me. i mean i think he notices me and looks at me and stuff like that but i dont know if thats just because i want him to. although i know if i were to like him itd be all too weird and he would never like me. heres the story, over winter break he had a bonfire and this was before i knew him and i was invited by a friend of his who i once liked so i went and there was alcohol and things happened and me and the friend of his that i once liked i wouldnt call it hooked up because we did nothing sexual just kissed alot and i totally regret it, i was going through alot then and i dont know why i did it but besides the point. i then started to talk to another friend who was there, we talked a little just as friends but i did start to like him but got over that, so im sure he would want nothing to do with me. but the thing is i dont know if i like him, all this came up so sudden and i dont know how to go about it. the thing with him too is that he'll be real nice one day then act like i dont exist the next. im soo confused and i dont know what to do. can you help please?



Dear
Reader ,

Guys in High School and even after that can be so fickle. First and foremost, appearances are everything to them. What I mean by this is that they are quite absorbed with how they might appear in front of their peers and especially their pals. If you look back at the times that he did not act like you were there, I'd be willing to bet that one or more of his pals were around.


I'll tell you the same thing I tell my kids. I just recently had a long talk with one of my many
daughter-in-laws(I already consider her part of the family), Gwen, who is engaged to my youngest son, Waylon. He's not always considerate, I suppose and referred to her as his "Baby's Mama." She was hurt by it, his comment, when actually he meant no harm.

Gwen had also expressed a bit of dismay when he said something to the effect of, "Hey Woman" or "Hey Lady," either of which I see no problem with. But she felt it was disrespectful. Now, I know that he meant no harm especially since he's even calls me that, now and again. Now of course, being me, "Babz the Blab," the one who knows all/sees all, guru of advice, told her what I am telling you now ;
Be An Onion

Aunt B, what the heck does that mean? Well my Dear, that means in order for you to make it in this life, you've got to take things less personally. You've got to be like an onion with it's many layers.

Now, I'm not telling you not to have feelings, quite on the contrary. What I'm saying is that you've got to prioritize what's important to feel and what's not or rather what to take personally and what not to allow to devastate or affect you. It's like this; if you can catch on to what I'm saying now, you'll save yourself a lifetime full of heartache and pain.

I found through the years that I allowed people to own my feelings and even dictate how I felt about myself. I wasted many good years, overly concerned about and caring too often what people thought of me.

While it's important to live by society's rules and to be accepted, as we all strive for acceptance, you must be careful and calculating. I would encourage you to be cautious as to what or who you allow to influence you. Also, you must gauge what weight and merit you give as to what shapes who you really are.

I say this because, well, allow me to state that I certainly feel too much emphasis is placed and the wrong messages are sent concerning what our society feels is the norm or acceptable.

Commentary

Case in point, while we all wish to be fashionable, let me point out that the emphasis we place on how we are supposed to appear and what is defined as beauty is certainly questionable. This attitude affects you as well as just about every school age child/preteen/teen and young adult.

Yes, this logic that, i.e., the fashion industry fosters, a key player in our views of acceptability, tend to project and breed a rather dysfunctional mindset and way of thinking. Our perceptions of beauty, (society in large) are so distorted, it has literally ruled our actions for far too long. Personally, I hold them in contempt.

I have an extremely harsh view of an industry which knowingly encourages *Anorexia, although they'll deny it all day long. It's a well known fact that in order for these models to maintain their weight, they have to starve themselves. Once these girls have surpassed their prime and they find themselves, "Burned Out, Busted or Near Dead," they often become*Bulimic.

This whole scenario makes me so angry, I could spit nails. See, because of your perceptions, because of what you see on T.V., magazines and in the movies, the youth today, as well as your peers have an almost sinful
conceptualization of true beauty and appearance.

The point of the matter as well as how this applies to you is simple; I firmly believe if you "just be you, no matter what," if he's into you, he'll notice when and if the time is right.

Keep in mind that, as I stated at the beginning of this post, guys are all about appearances. "Do I or will I look cool if I do this or that?" "Will I seem uncool if I wave at her?" "What will my friends think if I act like I like her?"

Guys have self-esteem issues too and often behave insecurely. If it's not insecurity, you know, his behavior, then let me point out something; If this guy is shallow (and I'm not saying he is) or superficial enough that he can't be himself and has to put up a front, you must examine if he's the right guy for you?

I'll welcome you to write me again.Possibly read this and search yourself as to what applies, where you can apply it, garner what you can. Then, let me know how things turn out, please?

Check out Dove's "Campaign for Real Beauty"


Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

*Source;
MamasHealth.com

Monday, March 16, 2009

Planned Perseverance




dear aunt b,
several years ago you helped me with my depression, now i'm fully over it, thank you very much.
but the mail i'm sending you now is not for me, it's about a friend of mine I want to help.
we are both in our senior years of school and we all applied to universities, and he while he had great grades didn't get accepted in 4 of the 5.
this makes him school tired and he always leaves school in the afternoon, a centre that keeps up to date with the status of students sent him
a letter writing that if he would stay out several more days he could risk losing his high school degree. but now after the letter he keeps not returning to school.
I am school tired too but keep going to school to get my degree, how can I convince him to come to school or how can I motivate him.
I spoke to him allready about it and he said that it's not a big deal.
aunt B, what do I have to do ?
sincerely yours,
Tim


Dearest Tim,

It's the only reward we get, to hear from a past reader that we may have helped them. So I thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing me and letting us know this. I won't take credit for your upswing, only you can but know we are here for you.

I am so sorry for the delay in answering this. I imagine that the time has expired for your friend to poop or get off the pot. So, I imagine that all I can do is possibly console you?

What I mean is this;
I would think that the situation your friend is in called for immediate action and even if I'd got right on it, the possibility is that it may have been too late? Or is it?

After re-thinking this, after prayer on my part...it's never too late, even if you're 90 years old to further yourself academically. As you know, it takes much perseverance.

Obviously, your friend is not able to envision what will happen if he does not persevere. I know at your age it's not really easy to see what happens today is most certainly going to effect what tomorrow brings. And I know this because I can distinctly remember thinking how I couldn't wait to get out of school. My priorities were so totally screwed up and I surely paid for my lack of focus.

Your friend will find himself in a long line of competitive job hunters, probably blue collar if he can not stop and re-think those priorities. That's the facts Jack. Today's job market is non too pretty and if you don't have a degree, you will not get paid. Days are long gone where a guy could muddle through, without college much less a High School diploma.

In my 50 years on this earth, I have never seen a job market such as this. People are finding themselves in deep poo poo when looking for a job, in all fields short of Medicine and possibly Computers. Now, I don't claim to be an employment analyst but it is an observation that unless you have that planned perseverance I spoke about, you will not make in this life.

Although we don't want to be a party pooper, my suggestion to you would be to allow your friend to read this letter. Possibly send him the link. I also don't want to be a wet blanket but I will tell it like it is;

"What you do in the next few years is going to make or break you. If you do not buckle down and apply yourself it is going to shape the rest of your life. The idea of just making do, muddling through this life, come what may is a fatal attempt at predicting the future...your future. And for the rest of your natural born life, you will simply muddle through.

You will have to re-invent yourself and begin to prioritize your life, right here and right now. If you are tired, get more sleep. If you are tired because you stay out half the night or better yet, sit in and game till it's the wee hours of the morn, you need to realize that you are going to pay for it. You need to see that right now is the most important time of your life and will shape your future, believe it or not.

If you are having problems with school, i.e. you just don't get it or a certain subject, then you must embrace that fact and ask for help. Don't just give up or give in. No, take that bull by the horns and own it. If this is the problem, asking for help, then you must put your pride aside or pay for that pride. In other words, allow me to exemplify the obvious; You can be a man with too much pride and never ask for help or be a man of wisdom because you were not too big to look for available resources, tools that help. After all, a man is only as good as his tools right?"

I invite your friend to write me and tell me what the real deal is. I'd also like to point out the fact that he has a truly good friend in you, one who cares enough to write, once again, using the resources available. I am more than willing to help your friend and point out the way to empower his life. This is not a lost cause, it is simply a case of prioritizing and perseverance. I can get a better handle on the situation if I know the complexities of his personal situation.

Please tell your friend to write me, OK? As well, I am so pleased to hear from you and wish you only the very best life has to offer!


Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Saturday, March 14, 2009

The Strong One


Dear Aunt B,

I REALLY like this boy, but his dad is dating my mum, is that wrong? I told one friend but she doesn’t think its wrong but Im still not sure. I don’t know what to do … I’d love to kiss him but Im not confident, because I’ve never been asked out by a boy, flirted with or kissed one. There’s nothing wrong with me … I’m skinny, Long haired and I have a nice personality but no boy has ever taken interest in me … apart from the 10 year olds in my backstreet, but Im 13 and so is the boy I like. I don’t think Im pretty, but I thought of some suggestions for you to help me with: 1.Should I just say “I LIKE you.” And walk away. 2. Should I wear all sexy clothes and be confident because I wear baggy jeans, baggy tops and fleeces, apparently I have nice legs. Should I go all tight topped, short skirts and act sexy because I have those clothes just never wear them. I’d be comfortable in them if it would make him like me. I won’t change my personality but I need new clothes and a new attitude. I mean some boys like the sexy type of girl. 3. Should I20just kiss him and walk away – it will get the message across. 4. Should I wear the sexy clothes and kiss him. I love him; I’ve never felt this way about a boy before and Im desperate. I haven’t told any other friends and all the boys at school think Im frigid. I hate that, but if I did kiss him and he likes me back I wouldn’t want my mum’s boyfriend, my mum or my sister to find out. It would make me so happy if he likes me. Maybe if you could ask some boys around my age what they think it would help a lot. Please help ASAP.
Thanks
From
Love struck and Unsure x




Dear
Love struck and Unsure x,

The first thing that comes to my mind is to tell you to never change who you are to please anybody. Now, there's not a thing wrong with brightening up the package but I encourage you to continue to be you.

As well, I see nothing wrong with you liking this guy, even if his Dad is dating your Mum. I don't encourage it for a few reasons though. For one, if your Mum breaks up with his Dad, it may make it hard on you, on your relationship. And just as it might go the other way, where as your Mum might become serious with this fella, that scenario as well could present problems.

What I mean is the fact that if your Mum were to marry this guy, the guy you like would then become your step-brother. Then, it might be frowned upon because he then becomes family. It is not the first time this has happened and in fact, before my own step-brother became family because his Dad married my Mom, I had a crush on him. It then made it pretty weird and I no longer pursued anything more than friendship.

So these are a few things you should consider. Think it through and remember "there are millions of fish in the sea." What that means is that I would encourage you to realize that there are so many guys in the world for you to choose from, maybe you should not get involved with this one?

Now, if you feel you absolutely must because, as you said, "
I love him; I’ve never felt this way about a boy before and Im desperate.," you'll have to keep in mind that this could open a whole can of worms, possibly making it difficult for all those involved. This is a decision only you can weigh or make.

The next thing I want to address is that you called yourself, "Frigid." I think you are far from that, I can just tell. I happen to believe that you were just not interested in any one guy up to this point. So don't be so hard on yourself.

Girls your age are often more mature than guys your age. It's a fact that for the most part, girls mature quicker than boys, too. But it's a truly wonderful age, one I enjoyed myself. I can also remember being sooooo in love with a certain guy and then the next week, viewing him as a complete dork and I'd wonder what did I ever see in him. Mark my words, you'll find yourself in the same situation.

At this age, you can be quite wishy washy, in love one minute, out of love the next. It's normal. Hormones run rampant and it's usually a time of exploration. You want to experience everything, especially what is considered "adult" stuff. And at 13 you find yourself wanting to be all grown up.

But being all grown up comes with so many disadvantages. If I could give you any advice it would be to not rush things. At this age, you already feel grown up, you might even believe you know it all. I know I did and I rushed towards doing all the adult things, if you will; Sex, Drugs and all the things that are supposed "adult" things.

I wrote about it here and I hope you will take the time to read it;

"Meet Mrs.Know Itall; How To Screw Up Your Life"


Growing up sucks, being an adult is so over rated. I implore you to at least read my answer to another teen as is a bit part of my story.

I can tell that you are a wonderful young lady, bright and bubbly, a bit misunderstood but one who stands firmly if you believe in something strongly enough. Yes, you are still a bit of a tomboy, so am/was I and I encourage you, as I stated before, to just be you.

Normally, you are never concerned with what people think of you. Suddenly because you like this guy, you want to change who you are. Be yourself at all times.

I see that right now, you are not sure who you are. You are still trying to figure this out. Let me tell you what I see;

(In the Zone)

"I see a young girl who has extremely strong values and beliefs. You are pretty and this is not even an 'Ugly Duckling' story. You can be hard on yourself which is good if it is about getting things done, i.e. homework and such. It is bad if you continue to be so harsh about your own looks. You have to keep in mind that right now, it is an awkward stage/age. You will grow out of all this and become the beauty that you can not see just yet. Continue to stand for the 'underdog' as you tend to do. All this will serve you later. You as well as your life will be successful if you do not lose track of what is important. I can see that if you fall into the pattern of putting things off, it will catch you un-awares. I can also see that you will have a problem with addiction if you do not say 'NO' loud and clear. Be proud that you march to a different drummer. You will always be the one your peers look up to if you continue to be strong. You are a leader, even though you can not see it. They do/will look up to you and you must be the strong one. See, you will and can affect so many lives if you use this strong backbone that you do/will have. If you remember that they are watching and looking to you for answers, if you continue to think things through before you do, it will serve you all the days of your life. It will also help countless others."


You have so much to offer and you must remember this!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Saturday, March 7, 2009

A Good Reason




Dear Aunt Babz,


Of lately everything that could go wrong has.. Ranging from a love triangle between my parents and another partner to the demise of what is supposed to be one of the happiest of moments. As of now I’m 18 years old still in high school and I got a great job at a dental tech lab. I also have a wonderful fiancée who is just as stressed as I am.

To start from the beginning of the mess, lets begin with me parents. There has been a very strange relationship between my mom and step dad and my moms partner Vickie. It seems almost every three months my mom switches around who she wants to be with and results in repacking what I just unpacked and move. So far we have moved between 2 houses at least 6 times. Because of this there has been a sense of insecurity always with me not knowing were im going to be sleeping the next day. I cant move out due to the fact im in school and because i don’t want to leave my mother do to the fact that she is for the most part blind. She has a eye disease called stargarts which is the deterioration of the retinas in your eyes. I feel trapped obligated to take care of her. Don’t take me wrong I love my mother its just I want to live my own life.

To add on to things my fiancé’s parents did a complete 180 on what the told me…

In a way im am partial to tradition so I asked Kelly’s parents for there blessing which they did give me along with the talk. But when the time came around in which I asked Kelly her parents flip flopped on us and gave the exact opposite reaction we were expecting. Both and me and Kelly were hurt by this and have no clue why they reacted so. I know we are still young but we have been best friends for 5 years and together for 2 years and in my opinion she is the one. A lot of people say we are to young but 9 times out of ten so were they including Kelly’s parents. All I wanted was for them to be happy for us but that doesn’t likely to happen. We even told them we were going to wait a year after high school to get more established but that wasn’t good enough.., they wanted us to wait three.

Also her parents control her life and what she does 9/10 out of the time and give her little independence. I keep on trying to get her to spread her wings but they are bounded by her parents controlling influence.

I am very sorry that this is most likely a wii bit scattered but any advice on these problems would mean the world to me and and Kelly.

Sincerely,

Tyler



Dear Tyler,

I consider it a gift, this thing I have? I prefer to call it, "The Art of Intuitiveness." I wish like hell I'd paid attention to it, through out my life but more often than not, I didn't listen.

I can look back and see that in every instance where I did a dumb thing, took the wrong turn, made the wrong choice, I was told not to do it. Of course, I did it anyway.

We live, we learn and then hopefully, we laugh like hell about it.
You have the gift as well, did you not know? You must learn to listen, fine tune it, reign it in and begin to use it to your advantage. My gut instinct, what came to mind as I read your letter, were the words,

"All things happen, in your life, for a reason.
A Good Reason
."


It would serve you, all the days of your life, if you remember those words. Now, I'm quite sure your dilemma does not sit well with you, especially concerning the fact that you tried to do everything by the book, so to speak, only to be shot down. It's liable to be frustrating, I would imagine?

Patience is certainly not a virtue in youth. For that matter, it is rare for most people to have patience, no matter the age. But I can only recommend that you find this virtue and remember that it won't be long and you'll be on your own. Or at least you'll be of age and can make your own choices.

It's easier said than done but if I were you I'd begin to concentrate on your short term goals, for the moment. Leave the long term goals alone, come what may.

I think it's an honorable position for you to want to make Kelly your wife. I do believe because you did do everything right, by going to her parents and asking for her hand in marriage, it must have stung, even harder when they changed their position, right?

I think what I am trying to say, is to simply re-think your strategy. Once you graduate, in possibly, a few short months, you might re-approach things.

For now, as I stated before, look at the short term goals; Graduation etc. If you are going to stay at your present employer, as in, is this going to be your main source of income then you must ask yourself, if this will sustain you, can you make a living in this position.

Whether you realize it or not, time is on your side. Use this time wisely to scope out a plan of attack, for better words. What I am referring to is the fact that if you were to marry this lovely girl tomorrow, where will you both live? In this present position, do you make enough or will you, given the opportunity of full time employment as/at the dental tech lab?

Again, time is on your side and this will afford you to take things slowly. I do realize that you love her so much and want to plan out the rest of your lives together. But you also want to do it right. Why do you say this Aunt B?

Well, it's a fact that those that rush into marriage or the ones that are thrown into the situation because of, perhaps, pregnancy, well, the divorce statistics speak for themselves. Now, I know you don't/can't foresee this every happening to you especially because you love her so very much. But shit happens and two people often grow apart. The chief reason that most people fight is, believe it or not; Money.

Now, I know for a fact that you, Mr. Tyler are rather intelligent and for the most part, you have thought this thing through. I don't assume that you've not played the tape out, "This is Your Life," from beginning to end. But when I say that time is on your side, the approach I want you to take is for a good reason; I want you to be afforded every advantage, no surprises and the makings of a wonderful life.

By planning things out, you will be on top of the program and better equipped to deal with those calamities. And they will come, I guaran damn tee ya. But this approach I am speaking of is going to work to your advantage. It's just a matter of how you perceive things.

Take back, even if it's in your own mind, control of your life. It really is a perspective, an exercise in empowerment to say to yourself, "Well OK, they told us to wait and I will use this to my advantage." See, let go of being pissed off about it or being angry at your situation. By the way, your situation, the way your home life has unfolded, will steel you for your future. Yes, it all is happening for a good reason!

See, the strategy I am looking at is you have to realize the "what if's," of your future situation. What if Kelly gets pregnant? Even if you are not planning a pregnancy, even with birth control or a condom, accidents happen. This changes the variables tremendously and you must be ready.

The hardest thing, in this life, is to find out that your partner, who you thought you knew, does not handle, very well, the slaps that life hands out. You must calculate the unforeseen, the element of unknown, the monkey wrench in the works.

I know you want it all to happen right here, right now. Good grief, you love Kelly so much that every minute apart is painful. She feels the same way about you, you are her best friend, which by the way is the best thing you've got going for you.

Just for the record, the longest lasting relationships are/were ones where the couple were friends first. Where they planned out their future,

There is a longer list for the least lasting relationships.
That list goes on and on, primarily starting with situations where money issues were prevalent, it being the number one reason for break-ups and divorce. I believe the next might be where two people, so in love,
they tested the waters, had sex, got pregnant only to find they weren't ready for that responsibility. The strain of it all led to constant fighting which ultimately led to the break-up. I mean, it's a huge responsibility to, not only pay for a pregnancy and raise a child but to do it without fighting is extremely difficult.

Fighting fair is important as well. When the shit hits the fan and times are tough, couples often tend to blame each other and so on. But if you can not fight fair and say things that hit below the belt, quite often
irreprehensible damages come along. A vicious circle then becomes evident causing the couple to call it quits. It's too far gone, there's too much pain, it just can't be repaired.

And I don't want all this to happen to you, Tyler. So, take this time to plan it all out so you and Kelly have the best possible chance of living the good life. If you can remember my words, "that all things happen for a reason," you will begin to see the truth unfold, right in front of your eyes!

I wish you both the very best life has to offer...

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Monday, March 2, 2009

Re-Post; Red Flags/The Great American Myth; The Drinking Male™




Friday, March 16, 2007
Red Flags


Dear Aunt B,

I am 31 years old and have been single for a very very long time – 5 years. In those 5 years I’ve met a few guys and dated a fair bit but 7 weeks ago I met someone very special someone who I click with but several issues are coming up. I’m scared that I may be finding things to sabotage the relationship, or that I am being naïve – we get on so well, we talk, connect, click, really like each other and are really attracted to each other. He calls when he says he will, says all the right things, spends time with me and my friends but he drinks 7 days a week, from 3 beers up to 12 beers a night. I’ve asked him to cut down and he agrees but has only been sober or didn’t drink at all once really. He starts drinking with his brother when he gets home from work, has cut down a bit for me, I virtually [do not] drink so it’s a problem for me. It also stinks and makes him snore.

He is putting on a lot of weight almost 5kgs in the short time I know him, eats a lot off junk food, eats triple the amount I eat and it is so off putting. I am a bit of the obsessive eating disorder type, always worrying about my weight and am watching someone cram wedges in his mouth.

He has an 8 year old son who I met once and told his dad he didn’t like me. So the next day my boyfriend barely spoke to me, touched me or looked at me in front of his son.

Later when we spoke he told me how important his son is to him, told his family that I was in a mood (which I was) and twice has laughed at me when I’ve told him how insecure I get.

Am I fooling myself? It’s 70% fantastic, loving, has potential and then there are these things – I am not sure if I should be having such issues after such a short time or if I am looking for trouble.

I would love your advice!


Dear Reader,

This is a tough one, my friend. I may have to shoot from the hip on this and hope, fervently, that I do not hurt anyone's feelings.

At 31 years old, I assume your fella, is similar in age? Regardless, I think, you have every reason to worry here. We'll attempt to address the most important situations first.

I don't know if you've read any of my other posts? In the event that you have not, I will tell you, I am an addict in recovery. I drank like a fish, lived with a man, who drank like a whale and we are both recovering from drug addiction, where my drug of choice, was Heroin. I have been clean from heroin for 9 years. I tell you this, so you may know two things; there is hope, it is possible to rise above addiction and I speak from experience.

True love, is deaf, dumb, blind, crippled and crazy and sometimes, plain ol' stupid. Often times, you will not see fault. I do believe they call it, "Falling in Love," for a reason, you just might "Fall."

Your guy, without a doubt in my mind, is an Alcoholic or so it appears. You just can't sugar coat this. He may be, what they call a, "Functional Alcoholic," but the label fits. A person that drinks more than an occasional beer, as in this case, is no longer a social drinker. There is no gray area here. It is only gray, if the person is in denial and paints it gray. Now, this does not mean he is a bad person. In fact, I think he may have fallen into what I like to call,

*The Great American Myth; The Drinking Male™

Let me explain, using my own Dad, as example. My Dad is 77, so this is many, many years ago but it aptly applies to today...


When my Dad was 17 years old, he was getting ready to leave for the Navy. His Father, a Captain, in the Navy, told him, he was a man now and he wanted to teach him one of life's most valuable lessons. He sat him down, with two shot glasses on the kitchen table. He put water in one of the shot glasses and whiskey in the other. He then, dropped a worm, in each shot glass and told my Dad to watch. A couple minutes passed and my Grandfather asked my Dad, what he saw? He stated that, the worm in the water was still swimming and the worm in the whiskey had died. My Grandfather nodded his head, pulled out two more shot glasses, filled them with whiskey, handed one to my Dad, held one up and downed it. He then exclaimed, "That's right son, always drink whiskey and you'll never have worms. Now, drink up." This was his homespun initiation into manhood. True story!

You may have even read this story somewhere else, as I have but it may be, that is how Father's ushered in their sons, way back when. In the 60's, 70's and 80's and possibly, even today, father's still had the idea, that on their sons 18th Birthday, it was proper to throw them a booze party. I've heard, the likes, of Dad's taking their sons to a strip joint, a night out of drinking and painting the town, "Red, White and Blue." This mentality, was instilled, that to be a true man, you drank, it is your God given right. The myth, was ingrained, that you work hard, 40+ hours and when you did, you deserved to buy a six-pack of beer. That is the "Manly" thing to do. What a crock o'crap, huh? To further screw up America, we as women, in our fight for equality, have picked up this premise, as well. Statistics show that women and addiction have skyrocketed.

Unfortunately, many people, men and women alike, fell into the clutches of addiction, along the way. It's much more complicated than simply thinking that this observation is why we drink. There are three contributing factors in addiction. They are;

* Predisposition

* Socio-Cultural

* Environmental

Having a parent(s) who may be an Alcoholic/Addict or have the mentality, can be a huge contributing factor. A learned behavior is another. Going to College, binge drinking or even hangin' in the 'hood, doing drugs, watching what other people do, thinking it is what is normal, can, as well, instill a behavior, bad behaviors, at that. Values and beliefs, not to mention, the way we are hard-wired, our DNA, all play a factor in Chemical Dependency.

So, why did I tell you all this? I tell you this because I want you to realize, that it is not as simple as asking him to limit his drinking. It is a rare scenario, where anybody that drinks 7 days a week, even a simple six-pack, does not do it for a reason. It is actually rather complex, more than I can explain to you, even here. I would suggest, your investigation of addiction, to understand it better. There are medical issues, that now factor in.


*Quite often, drugs and drinking, go hand in hand. We must understand that they and their effects are also one and the same. A chemical is a chemical. Take what you learn and put it in your tool belt, it will help you understand this insidious disease.

Why is he drinking? This has to be your question, to ask yourself and possibly him. I'd bet that there are underlying problems, things he's running from, things he shutting up, chasing away. I've yet to meet anyone, who didn't have valid reasons, in their mind, why they drank. Life sucks and to live life on life's terms is not easy. Even if, all the problems go away, it's not easy to physically stop drinking, especially, after you've been drinking, at least, a six-pack a day. Now, it is a physical dependence, not just a mental, shake off the blues, situation.

Red flags must have already gone up, concerning his behavior. You would not have written me, unless that had happened and you wanted validation. Yes, I do think you need to be concerned. It's no joke and not to be taken lightly. Jumping into a relationship, with someone who is clearly an alcoholic, is a serious undertaking. Now, I am not saying it is not possible, for him to get clean. What I am saying is that all the wishing in the world, from you, won't get him there. He has to realize that his behavior is not normal. This is and does, go hand in hand with step one of Alcoholics Anonymous;

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.



How does a proud man, admit that he has fallen, especially when he believes the, *Great American Myth?™


It has to start with him understanding that alcohol has had an adverse effect on him, his relationships and will ultimately, cost him his life. He must realize that his 8 year old son should not have to watch his father, in the throws of addiction. Also, let me add quickly, that although a Father should be concerned, what their child thinks, it is not that child's decision as to who his Dad's life partner will be, should or shouldn't be. They often have a hard time accepting anyone. His Dad needs to understand that but to behave as he did is quite regrettable and wrong. That gives the child license, to be mean, if you ask me. The child may not like you but he needs to respect you, show respect and behave accordingly. I stand with you on this one. I'd point this out to your guy that you realize that, they don't have to embrace you but he should understand that you will be afforded respect and nothing less... NOTHING!

You also mentioned that his behavior, concerning eating, bothers you, right? You have every right in the world, to be concerned about his eating habits. But you must proceed carefully here, as well. Your habits are yours, his are his. You'll have to approach it, realizing that eating is also the way we were raised and so on. Eating healthy does not always come naturally. If you are serious about this guy, I suggest you just begin to show him, how to adapt. If you cook for him, make something that is good but close to a comfort food. He'll equate that, "Hey, this eating healthy gig's not so bad?" I mean something like a nice chicken breast, baked with Mashed Cauliflower (tastes just like mashed potatoes) with butter and a nice salad. You have to start somewhere, right? But I think, you've got bigger fish to fry here. Meaning this situation with his alcohol abuse, is where you need to start. This sure is no Overnite Delivery, a fix that happens quickly.

Your Answer

It is my impression, that you have a lot of red flags here, as I mentioned before. I ask you, to ask yourself, are you capable of "fixing" this fella? Do you want to fix him? It is possible to be supportive but you can not,

I repeat, can not fix anybody. Nope, they have to fix themselves and they have to do it for themselves, first and foremost.
If you choose to be supportive, I offer this analogy,
"Take that bull by the horns and ride."
This early in the relationship, you really have nothing to lose by being perfectly honest. Call it like it is, kindly, or walk away and cut you loses.

Say what you mean, mean what you say and try not to say it too mean.

AA/NA helped me and long before my true addiction surfaced, I had gone to meetings about addiction, to understand my own Father's (my real Dad) alcoholism. Study all you can and I will put links here to help you. You need a pretty big Tool Belt to tackle this one, if you do, choose to do this.
My inner loyalty, to you, says get out while the gettin's good. But if you truly care about this guy, you need to tell him so but that you will not live with his drinking. See, you have a right to be happy, too. Do not feel guilty, if you walk away now. As I said before, you can't fix anybody. This is our first mistake, thinking we can take charge of things. We can't change anybody, we can only suggest, advise and support. No, the change has to come from within, in the person that is having the behavioral problem. When you challenge someone's values and beliefs, get ready for some flak. Now, it may very well be that he doesn't like this drinking every single day and he may be aware that he has a problem. You need to sit him down and calmly, patiently ask him, if he perceives himself with a problem. Whatever you do, do not have a condescending tone. This will cause him to put up a defensive wall. He will take a survival posture and will virtually be unable to look at his problem. You've got to come off, in a loving manner. At the same time, you must make it a point, that he knows, you can not and will not live with this behavior, no if ands or buts about it. You don't have to and you won't. Now, he can go and get help, look at this, do something about it or you can go on your merry way. It's quite possible and plausible, that he may have to enter a Rehab setting. I don't believe he could physically, just quit. I recommend seeking Medical Advice, in a Treatment setting. This is very important. Please see it as just that, possibly the single most important thing I tell you; Seek a Professional!!
Tell him, it's time, to pull the Band-Aid off. Even if you were to walk away from him tomorrow, you are planting a seed. You are letting him know, that his behavior is not acceptable and he needs to get help. If he's not real receptive to jumping into a Rehab, ask him to go to an AA/NA meeting. They'll plant seeds also and they can be your support group. It's free and the coffee, is usually palatable. They are real people, who've walked down the same path.
I guess the big question here, I pose to you, is what are you willing to do, or what length are willing to go, to support your guy? Only you can answer this, right?
If you choose to support him in recover, realize that it's a life long battle. It is treatable but you must brace yourself for the storms. I guarantee this much...it will not go away on its own. Start with talking, not pointing the finger but merely asserting understanding and willingness to support him, if he chooses to get clean. You'd better stand by what you say, too. If you tell him that, you can not tolerate this situation as it exists and if does not choose to get help, you will walk away, you'd better mean it. If you allow it, you will enable him and he will not believe that there are repercussions for his actions. You've got to let him fall before he can pick himself up. If your love is important to him, he'll see that he will lose you, if he does not seek help. Most of us addicts have to hit some form of bottom, to realize that we need to climb out. It is a treacherous climb. Throw him a line, by giving him the information, where the meetings, are located. Tell him you will help him, only if he helps himself. He'll either grab hold of that line or lay there till it stinks enough. When it stinks, as you've already said it did and he's not willing to smell it and realize he is offending, get out.
Be prepared. Have your list of meetings, do your homework if it's important enough to you and hand it all to him. Then, it is "His" decision. If you put it just like that, then he'll feel just that;
That it's his decision!

Work on one thing at a time, Girlfriend. Pray and brace yourself. I wish you only the very best. Now, go get it!

Keeping It Real,


Aunt Babz


The relative success of the A.A. program seems to be due to the fact that an alcoholic who no longer drinks has an exceptional faculty for "reaching" and helping an uncontrolled drinker.

In simplest form, the A.A. program operates when a recovered alcoholic passes along the story of his or her own problem drinking, describes the sobriety he or she has found in A.A., and invites the newcomer to join the informal Fellowship.

The heart of the suggested program of personal recovery is contained in Twelve Steps describing the experience of the earliest members of the Society:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Newcomers are not asked to accept or follow these Twelve Steps in their entirety if they feel unwilling or unable to do so. They will usually be asked to keep an open mind, to attend meetings at which recovered alcoholics describe their personal experiences in achieving sobriety, and to read A.A. literature describing and interpreting the A.A. program.

A.A. members will usually emphasize to newcomers that only problem drinkers themselves, individually, can determine whether or not they are in fact alcoholics. At the same time, it will be pointed out that all available medical testimony indicates that alcoholism is a progressive illness, that it cannot be cured in the ordinary sense of the term, but that it can be arrested through total abstinence from alcohol in any form.

(Click Here for Help)


**The body stops producing endorphins. Endorphins are our body's natural pain killer. We have receptor's in our brain, where the endorphins plug in. Try to picture sockets, in the brain, similar to a car. Where you would screw in the spark plug, the endorphins plug in, when we are in pain. The correlation being that the receptors, when there is a constant use of i.e. opiates or any kind of chemical, stop producing. They think they no longer need to produce the chemical.

*How alcohol produces intoxicating effects in the brain is not entirely understood. Most drugs have a specific receptor in the brain. For example, cocaine acts through the dopamine transporter, heroin acts through the opioid receptor, and marijuana acts through the cannabinoid receptor. These are proteins in the cell membrane that shuttle the drugs into the brain cell, where they act much like your body's own neurotransmitters to excite or depress nerve cells. Alcohol, however, appears to have no specific receptor in the brain. Instead, it seems to affect the receptors for several neurotransmitters, including the gamma-amino butyric acid (GABA) receptor. GABA is one of the major messenger chemicals in the brain. It reduces the transmission of impulses between nerve cells. Alcohol can either increase or decrease GABA function in different areas of the brain, leading to inhibitory effects (such as loss of judgment) and excitatory effects (such as feelings of exhilaration). Other receptors that may be affected include those for N-methyl-D-aspartate (NMDA), glutamate, endorphins, dopamine, serotonin, and acetylcholine. These are all natural substances produced in the brain that control things like behavior, memory, sensation, and mood. The variety of chemical pathways that are disrupted can explain the myriad effects that alcohol has on behavior and brain function.

For additional information, see the following websites:

http://alcoholism.about.com/health/alcoholism/
library/blnaa35.htm

http://www.arf.org/isd/pim/alcohol.html






This comment was sent to Aunt B via email...

Babs,

Thank you very much for a very honest answer. It’s funny I have teased him about being an alcoholic but as you said it’s a functional abuse of alcohol – he acts fine, he seems fine.

I have read all your advice and will take it on board. There are a few issues we will need to address and at least this way I can support him and have a potentially healthy relationship rather than fix him or feel like a victim. If he can’t see himself with a problem or is unable to seek help – I feel so much for him already; I am not sure where this will go. I really appreciate your answer.

What really scares me is while there are so many good things and such a good connection; there are so many cons as well. I keep finding issues and problems with things and I am wondering if I am a wannabe fixer and a bit of a control freak who is after the perfect boyfriend. I also need to accept several of my own habits and tendencies as my own and his as his.

Thank you for also saying that you have dealt with your own addictions and sought help –

Much appreciated

Phew I feel so much better getting this all out and seeing what I have to deal with; I was thinking that I am such a sabotager.


*The Great American Myth; The Drinking Male™ is a Trademark of BoAB

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Genuine Savoir-Faire

Adult Content Warning

Dear Aunt B,

I'm 19, and I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years.we moved out into our own apartment to start college this year. He let himself get kind of chunky, and we're more like buddies these days. Sex has dried up. We both still REALLY love each other. I want to make this work because I can't imagine leaving him. I always thought I'd marry him one day, but I'm scared that I'll trap myself into a sexless marriage. I never want to have sex. I think it's because I'm not into him like that. I've been afraid that I fell out of love with him, but that's not the case at all. We're still so much closer then just friends. We're a couple, we just aren't romantic. We've talked about it. He's trying to slim down. but I'm afraid that it's not the only issue. I feel almost platonic towards him. He's such a sweet guy for not being upset with me over this. Any advice?


Dear Reader,

You two are already like an old married couple, you just don't have the official papers to prove it. See, this could have happened to you, even if you had married him. It happens to so many couples, every day, all the time.

Even though you are not married, you are living as man and wife, going through all the motions and emotions of a married couple. Thus, I will address it as such, hopefully you might separate the two. Get my drift?

In a past and present tense, you mentioned that you might marry him one day. Even if you never marry this fella, you might take these words and apply it.

Marriage is a two way street, a business contract, if you will, a piece of paper and nothing more...unless...you utter the words, your vows to each other, with meaning, held close to your heart. More importantly is the realization that marriage is something that must be worked on, a constant circle of effort.

The wedding band should serve to remind you, not only of the circular, infinite, never ending love but also that never ending need for effort in making things work. After all, love, marriage, as well as life in general is all a matter of perspective, it is what we make it, what we choose to make it and how we choose to perceive it.

Words are words and just as you might tell someone that you "love them," if you don't mean it completely, they are more or less meaningless words. Also, of course, there are varying degrees and emotion attached to words. Only you might know the degree or value of those words.

I actually think it's a good thing that you question the validity of your relationship. While sex should never be the entirety of or a basis for complete balance in any relationship, I do think it's important to be attracted to your partner.

I like the fact that you two are friends because, if you ask me, the very best of relationships, the ones that last the longest were based upon friendship first. The next important factor, one I'd like you to take notice of, is the word surrounded in and of "Affection," or "Affectionate Behavior."

Long after sex, or the sexual act is gone, in a marriage, hopefully the affection still exists. Affection in my mind is a simple touch, holding of hands, a quick swat on the backside...a word so full of emotion it can hardly be contained or described. The question here becomes;
Do you both have affection for each other? Is your relationship an affectionate one?


It's certainly important to this situation, just how you answered those two questions. Sex is not as important, in my opinion, as is affection, your sense of endearment for one another. But the fact remains, that for you, sex is an important issue, so we must look at it and your situation.

I only have what you have written to go on. I can see that personal appearance is a chief attribute to how you see your mate as well as your sexual attraction. I would say you are statistically sound in your feelings as the vast majority of people are first sexually attracted to appearance rather than personality. You are not alone.

I'd hope you've noticed an effort on your boyfriends part to slim down in order to please you. I certainly hope you will see that effort and make your own efforts to please him by possibly examining your feelings. Again, you are not alone as millions of women suffer from the same dilemma.

As I mentioned before, marriage/relationships are a two way street. They take effort on the part of both of you. It's a conscience effort to please each other. But it's essential to note that sex should never be considered a chore or done simply out of, what we used to call, "the wifely duties." How gross is that, hah?

I would like you to examine a few things, consider a few elements of what makes you tick. Between just you and I, I'll ask this simple question, "Are you ever sexually attracted," meaning does anybody else trip your trigger? I ask this because I do believe there are times in a girls life where her hormones or lack thereof can cause a lack of sexual urge. Medications as well as birth control can change and alter those urges. Look at all these possibilities before you write this situation off as a mere lack of attraction.

Good sex between couples, takes a combination of feelings, emotion as well as attraction. It takes more than just desire. But just as marriage takes that conscience effort, so too does it take effort to please your partner.

Quite often, women can not orgasm without the extra help/clitoral stimulation. More often than not, we fake an orgasm because we don't want to hurt our partners feelings. Sad but true!

Somewhere along the lines, through the years, instead of addressing the situation/scenario we simply looked the other way and we accepted the inevitable; An orgasmic less existence.

The crux of the matter is to boldly go where few men have gone before; Tell your lover your little secret...or...hint at your need for clitoral stimulation. (Try buying a vibrator. Use it him first maybe during copulation, then it may not be perceived as a threat. Then, allow him to use it on you, bada bing bada boom)

"Experts report approximately a third of women have an orgasm through vaginal penetration."
Source: Dr. Sandra R. Scantling

If you get no pleasure from your sexual relationship, it certainly becomes a chore. Yuk! Besides a bit of intimacy, the knowledge that your partner is pleased and you've done your duty...all work and no play makes you a dull and displeased girl.

My advice to you, is not to give in or give up but to make an effort at changing the outcome of all this. In my humble opinion, you two are made for each other, soulmates, it's meant to be. It just needs a little tweaking, a tad bit of TLC and a big swatch of genuine savoir-faire.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz



Dear Reader,

Possibly try working on the sexual aspect of your relationship. Take a day devoted only to working on your levels of intimacy. Make sure it's as stress free as possible. Let it come to you without the emphasis being, "Oh, we're going to have sex tonight," but simply allow it to happen. If you want it to work, you have to work on it.

Maybe, you could both write down why you'd want to have sex, looking at the good reasons for it. The pro's and con's of it. If it's not hurtful, exchange notes with each other as to why you DO NOT want to have sex, i.e. "I feel this way" or "that way" which prevents me from wanting to have sex. Be mindful of each others feelings before you might exchange these thoughts. If they might hurt your mate, look at whether or not your feelings are actually true or valid, fair or unfair?

Make a list of what it is that you are attracted to, about each other, i.e., "your smile" or maybe, "your laughter" or possibly, "the considerate things you do for me." So it's a positive aspect of looking at your relationship, share these good feelings with one another.

It's always a good thing to share the positive parts of your relationship, never assuming that your partner already knows how you feel. After sharing this bit of positive feedback, you just might find yourself remembering what it was in the first place, which attracted you to one another. Next thing you know...you're doing the "Horizontal Mambo."

Hoping To Help,

Halena