Tuesday, May 13, 2008

You Have to Kiss A Few Frogs



Dear Aunt B,

I came across your site and i think your advice is really clever and helpful so i decided to write.I am almost 25 and I've never had a relationship.I met guys at college but they were only after a quick one and nothing else.I rejected them at the time thinking that that is how college guys function and i didn't really mind.I graduated from college in November 2006 and came back to my hometown.I thought that things would be different.Wrong!It's really hard to meet new people here.Only two guys,who i met by mutual friends,flirted with me:one was,as i later found out,interested in my money(i am not rich,i just have a steady job and he doesn't) and the other one wanted sex and he already has a girlfriend.I don't know what to do,i feel that i''ll never meet a decent guy.A friend of mine suggested that i move to a bigger city (she did that after grad)as our town is a bit trashy.She has met lots of people and she's having a great time.I don't know what to do.

Dear Reader,

First off, I wanted to comment on your good taste, in choosing our site, lol! We appreciate any good constructive criticism and compliments so I do thank you from the entire staff here at Aunt B's. We really do try to counsel as if you were family, sitting across from us having coffee like two good friends. It works somehow?!

Now, back to our regularly scheduled program...

I'm not sure I have a real or definite answer for you but it is my observation that guys are similar everywhere you go; you have your good and your bad apples in every barrel across the U.S. and I'm sure, abroad. You have to be aware that there are some good ones out there and he's sitting there wondering where you are, as well. I see him. You just must be wary and do not be discouraged.

See, guys are hardwired differently than us. The bad ones don't want a real relationship, are out to get as much booty call time in, as is humanly possible, you know, love 'em and leave 'em. The good guys must fend off the typical male ego stuff and be for real and that's exactly what it is, being a real man doing only what they want done to themselves. In example, a guy who sleeps with anything that's not pinned down is considered "one heck of a guy" and might even be envied by his male buddies. If a woman does the same thing, she's a slut. Am I right or am I right? Yes, the world is full of double standards and that's just one of them but you get the point.

A "Real Man" lives by the creed of doing to others as he would have done to him, as I mentioned and often do in these posts. He isn't afraid to be sensitive and let you know when you've hurt him or equally when you've pleased him. Quite often, he's not concerned with what his male counterparts think of him. He's not full of false bravado and doesn't feel the need to prove he's a man. He's appreciative of women and simply stated, he understands that it takes two to tango, he can't make the world go round without them and respects a woman as his equal. Yes, he realizes there are physical differences and he's rather appreciative of those differences. He also knows for certain that behind every great man is a damn good woman.

Having said all that, even in a place called Sugar Grove, Pa., the "Sweetest Lil Town on the Map," with it's population of 613 as of the year 2000, (I happened to have lived there in the 70's), there's going to be a few good and real men. Don't be hasty and realize that you have to kiss a few frogs to find your Prince.

So you become proactive in your search. Maybe look on the Internet, at some of the dating sites for guys in your area. A word to the wise; If you look in a bar for Mr. Right, you'll more often than not find a Mr. Wrong/Alcoholic/Pick-Up Artist/Booty Caller/Playa/Pimp Daddy/Beer Muscled/Meat Head.

You must look at this just as you would, a life study or even a job interview. What I mean is, let's say, you're applying for a job as a construction worker. You wouldn't wear a suit and tie for that interview. No, most likely, you'd dress the part wearing jeans, T-Shirt, steel toed boots and maybe even a tool belt. If you want a job as a nurse or aide, even if it's not an actually nursing uniform or scrubs, it'd be smart to wear white. Why? Because the employer can now envision you in the job, in the role and they can see it and you in that role. Don't ask me why or how this works but it does.

Similarly, think about what kind of guy, personality wise, hobby wise and so on that you would like to date and hopefully become serious with. What sort of man is he? I mean, delve into your own persona and look deep within yourself. In your mind, shop for Mr. Right, actually see him, in your mind. You know, is he smart, is he thin or muscular, does he have dark hair etc. etc.? Then, ask yourself, where is he? Where does he go on Friday or Saturday night? Maybe he goes to Church on Sunday morn?

You will find him, at the right place and the right time, you need only to ask these questions and put up your radar. Yes, if you do want a guy who goes out with his buddies on Friday night with the agenda of picking up chicks, who cares what your name is, then by all means, go to the bar or club and he'll be there. However, if you want a guy who enjoys spending a quiet night, watching a good flick, eating popcorn, you just might find him at Blockbuster or your neighborhood video store. (Hint Hint)

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz





*Sugar Grove, Pa
**Freecycle

Measure of a True Friend




dear x ,
i have one problem.My best friend is going out with the school screw up. He takes drugs and he is in a gang. should i tell my friend he is so wrong for her ?

sincerely,
Lost in friendship and relationship


Dear Lost,

The measure of a true friend is telling us the things that we don’t want to hear, but also to be supportive when we disagree. Somewhat contradictory huh?

Do you know for sure that he takes drugs? Do you know for sure that he is part of a gang? Or is this just common perception? Sometimes the biggest mistake you can make is to prematurely judge a person. So make sure your concern is valid, or you just might lose your friend.

Essentially what I think holds true though, is that if you are true friends you should be able to voice your concern about this guy, but also be open to accept her decision. And sometimes that is really difficult when it puts the person you care for in a bad situation.

You should tell your friend that you are concerned and try not to vent off on how bad this guy is for her, this will only make her defensive and mad. Just be honest with her, and hopefully she will show you if you are wrong, or take your advice and get out of that relationship.

Good Luck with the talk,

~Xmichra.

Another Rite of Passage


Hey Aunty!


I am having a big problem I can’t express it to anyone but then I thought to myself I could ask an adviser well then here it is!

This is the first year I move to my new school and its awesome but from the start I have had a crush on this boy. It started out with a crush and I thought I would get over him like any other guy that a girl has a crush on. This guy is different it’s the first time that I truly love a guy! We have so much in common, we talk on the phone a lot, we talk in school a lot, and everyone tells me that he loves me and that he flirts with me and the way he looks at me is as if he is in love with me. I agree with them but I disagree at the same time. I disagree and feel as if he doesn’t like me because he has a girlfriend she is in another school I really get annoyed when he talks about her cause I wish I was in her place. I also get annoyed cause she is a really bad girl and I am the good girl type! Like when I say good girl I mean good girl ! I really like this guy and I feel we have so much in common! This is the first time in my life that I love a guy ! He trusts me a lot I am like his best friend so I don’t really want to ruin our relationship. Please help me ! I want to be with this guy and I want us to remain together for life! I want him to be mine and all mine! I want us to be the best couple of history. ! Aunt B please help me !!! I really like this guy please help me !

Please reply as soon as possible...

Veronica !!HELP!!



Dear Veronica,

Read what Halena wrote. It is a better starting point. I am possibly jumping the gun, going to the next level...

Well, just because you are a "nice girl" does not mean you can't be assertive. It's the difference between the girls and the women, the difference between the ones who get what they need and the ones that'll only cry about it.

Now, let me point out one of the unspoken rules of thumb here; People will do to you, only what you will allow them to do. A vast number of guys would love to have their cake and eat it too. And this means that he will keep two girlfriends, only if you allow it.

Now, you can't force him to have feelings he does not for you, right? But if he does care for you as deeply as you believe, he must understand that he should treat you exactly as he'd want to be treated. If you were dating another guy, in a different school, how would he feel? Would he continue to go out with you, all the while knowing that you have another boyfriend? I'll answer that for you; It's rather doubtful that he would contend with you seeing another guy and I do believe he would let you know. It's just how the ball bounces.

I will say it again; People will do to you, only what you will allow them to do.

Being a good girl is commendable but being a pushover is not, remember this! You can always continue to be that good girl just simply make a stand, make your feelings obvious and assert what you will and will not tolerate. Always!

While it is important for people to know where you stand, it is equally important for them to know what you will not stand for.


My suggestion is for you to have a little talk with your beau and get to the core, the crux of things and where you stand. Then, you make him aware of what you will not tolerate.

Does that sound a bit stern? Maybe but it's all in the approach. As I stated before, you can't make him have certain feelings, right? You can't make him love you and you sure as heck can't make him give up his other girlfriend, now can you?

But, But, But...you can make it clear that you'd like to define things, understand where you stand with him. You can ask him to see things from your perspective and put it into terms he might see the light through;

"While I have no right or business telling you how you should feel, I do have the right to my own happiness. I will not be toyed with and I will never play second fiddle. So, I will tell you that I care a lot about you and I think you might care about me. However, would you continue to see me, talk to me on the phone and so on, fully knowing I have another boyfriend in another school?"

Another Rite of Passage

All through your life, Veronica, you must learn to assert and state your needs. You must say what needs to be said. Yes, my creed, "Say what I mean, mean what I say and try not to say it too mean, " are words to live by. This separates the women from the girls. In any relationship whether it be this one or with the man you will marry, you must always state your needs.

Never assume that your partner knows what's what. Never assume that they will always do the right thing. Sometimes you must, in stating your needs, let them know what you will or will not tolerate in that quest for everyday happiness.


More often than not, you have to put things into perspective for your guy. Just because you're in the dating phase does not mean that he can continue to see other girls. Yes, it's an extremely gray area, what's right and wrong when it comes to defining that spot where you go from a simple date to that all defining moment where you might begin to call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. So, as there's no training manual, (that I know of) or rule book with the definitions clearly stated, how bout we take a look at this?

  • First of all, it says a whole lot if a guy goes out on a date with another girl when he's supposedly in an established relationship, right? Take a close look at that.
  • Secondly, if the guy does go out on a date with you, even an unofficial date and he calls you more than once, I would tend to think he likes you. If he continues to talk to you, continues to call, you've gone well beyond that first stage of dating. I do believe you have what might be called an "established relationship."
  • Third, in an established relationship, where a guy is, for a lack of better words, "courting you," it says a whole lot if you allow him, knowingly, to continue entertaining you as well as another girl. It reads loud and clear, that you will allow it.
  • Lastly, your guy is not a mind reader, is he? Since I don't believe he is, you will have to plainly state that you are not the kind of girl that will tolerate two-timing. In other words, you must clearly state your right to happiness. In that right, you tell him while you realize that you can't make him do anything, say anything and you surely can't make him feel something that is not there, if he does have any semblance of feelings for you, you are not the kind of girl that will allow a guy to two-time her.
Yes, you make it crystal clear that you are not asking him to choose. You make it more than clear though, that it's all up to him but he should not call you or talk to you if he wants to see this other girl. You state that it's not fair to either of you, now is it?

Here's the clincher, as the plot thickens; Once you have stated how you feel and he does not stop seeing her, talking to her, courting her, entertaining her, etc. etc. then it is a statement as to his own values and beliefs. It will be more than clear that he wants his cake and to eat it too; two girlfriends.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Veronica,

I would continue being his good friend. Then, start off with a simple touch here and there and gauge his response. As in, let's say you're sitting next to him and you are laughing and you touch his arm or back and see how he acts. That is kind of intimate but also innocent. Then, watch his reaction because there will probably be a reaction. If he thinks nothing of it, do it again and again but not too much so he won't feel uncomfortable, just in case.

If he seems receptive, next time try playfully putting your arm around him, around his waist or neck and then see what happens. You have to make it innocent, not being pushy or like you have an agenda as you don't want to ruin your friendship. By the way, every great relationship, long term, starts off in friendship first.

After doing this, it may make him think as to who he wants to be with, you or her? It might also help him to make his move, knowing that you two are into each other. If all else fails, knowing that you can still be his best friend, be waiting in the wings for that opportunity, if he breaks up with her.

On Your Side,

Halena





Saturday, May 3, 2008

Confession Time, Inc.




In an effort to bring about total healing, the Staff here at Ask Aunt Babz, welcome you to check out and maybe even confess on our new site, Confession Time, Inc.

This is a new site which gives you the opportunity to purge your soul, confess your sins, off load the grimy crime and get it all off your chest. Big or Small, we'll take it all!

Click the button on the sidebar and 1,2,3 bada bing bada boom, you email and I'll post your confession.

See, it's cathartic to just get it out and let it go. Sometimes, things feel so bad, you know, what you did or said seemed so God awful but you feel you can't tell anybody. Right?

Here at Confession Times, we won't judge or hold a grudge. It's all about Tame the Shame and Blame Game. See, guilt, shame, blame and the likes, especially anger will eat you up inside. It's not healthy, it's not conducive to your personal happiness and it'll all kill you...one minute, one second at a time. Slow and steady.

So, long story short, it's a good exercise to confess, to get it all out. We encourage you to email us and we'll post your confession.

How It Works

You click one of the buttons on the sidebar and email us. All emails are/will be confidential. In the event that you really want anonymity and don't even want us to know your email address, I might suggest Mailinator. No gimmicks, no sign-up, just straight email disposable address.


Welcome To Confession Time, Inc.