Monday, February 25, 2008

Allow Yourself Closure

Dear Aunt Babz,

When I was eight years old my dad shot my mom 13 times in her chest. When the police brought me and my grandparents to the morgue, my grandma begged the medical examiner to see the body, but because of the condition of the body the examiner refused. However, the examiner took a picture of my momʼs face and that was it. Two years later a special agent from the F.B.I who had helped in that case came to our house with the evidence that was used in the case. Two things were in the box, cassettes tapes of my mom talking about her life (audio diary) and the photographs of her body at the crime scene. As crazy as it sounds, my grandma wanted to see these pictures and so did I. The agent hesitated and then warned us about how graphic they were. I didnʼt push it any further because I knew my grandma wouldnʼt be able to handle it, but I knew I could. Over the years I figured I would just forget about the urge to see them, but I didnʼt. My grandparents raised me so I had been around them most of my life. But at the time of her death I had been living with her and had been for a year. When she died I cried on and off, but I held the rest in. And Its confusing because I had only lived with her for a year, she was in the army and she was gone a lot so we werenʼt that close, but I cant move on. Anyway, I am 19 now and I plan to retrieve those photos and visit my dad and show him so he can see my pain. And as for the photos, I am a tough woman and I know seeing them will make me cry, but I would get it over with and finish grieving than spend the rest of my life holding on. PLEASE HELP AM I DOING THE RIGHT THING?


Dear Sherell,

You have been down a road that is both painful and hard. And for that I am sorry. But you seem to have incredible inner strength and a very great family support from your grandparents, which is so important.

Are you doing the right thing by wanting to see those pictures? I think so. And I will explain, but the second part of the question: are you doing the right thing confronting your father with them? I am not so sure.

I think if you were to confront your father, you have already played out in your head how that would go, and if you didn’t receive that image in real life that it could seriously harm your mental health. So I would caution you to not do that, and let it go. I would also ask that you talk to a mental health professional about the very real and very warranted feelings you have concerning your father and the murder of your mother. I am sure that you are indeed seeing someone in that faction, but in case you have decided not to continue with that kind of support or do not talk about this fantasy (this is a term that seems like it shouldn’t apply here, but it is reference to the visualization of the outcome of this confrontation) I feel it is necessary to bring up.

Now. As for you wanting to see those pictures. I understand whole-heartedly, and I can see how they are holding you back. Many people may not understand, but it is a sense of closure that you need. For some people, the closure they require will be that of finding inner peace and making themselves feel whole again. But for others, a need of cognition is required to make the puzzle complete. And by this, I mean in your situation you need to see the pictures and know what your mother’s pain looked like in order to aptly assign a reaction to it. You do not know in your mind if you are ready to move on because you are a logical type thinker, and you do not know if the action of moving forward or forgiveness is really applicable to the crime that was placed. You need to know the scale of your feelings before you can validate catharsis. Which to me makes total sense. Even looking at the premise of having a logical mind make sense. Looking a the sheer definition of Logic:

1. Of, relating to, in accordance with, or of the nature of logic.

2. Based on earlier or otherwise known statements, events, or conditions; reasonable.

3. Reasoning or capable of reasoning in a clear and consistent manner.


But the main thing is that you need to see for yourself what happened in order to close the unknown. That will make your reasoning skills develop the reason to heal. It will be hard, painful, and you may be out of commission for a little while because the imagery will be haunting and very likely gory. And that is something a person doesn’t ever recover from. But for you, for your type of personality, you need this scar to heal. And no, that doesn’t make you freakish or cruel. It is the type of mind you have, a logical one, and you will be able to gain strength from this and move on.


What ever you choose, please be sure that you let your grandparents in on your intentions and let them support you. You will need that support if you make the choice to see the photos, as I am sure that it will devastate you. So let them in, and anyone else who is of support, you need it.

I hope that you can move forwards from this, and that you will be able to live the life I am sure your mother would love you to lead. A happy, safe and caring one.

Take care of yourself.

~Xmichra~


Aunt Babz Said...


Dear Sherell,

I am in the middle of moving but felt the need to speak to you on this. I've not had the chance to read what Xmichra has said to you but I trust her judgment and hopefully I don't repeat what she has said.

I can surely understand your curiosity, in wanting to see those pictures. In your mind you are still searching for answers, a sense of closure to a tragic situation. I simply can not fathom how I would feel if this happened to me. I still extend my condolences.

It is crystal clear to me that you have not closed the Chapter on your Mothers demise. I would imagine, I would have difficulty with it myself.

I'm sorry but I feel there are no answers in your looking at those awful pictures. While you may be extremely curious, it will serve no purpose to see such things. Spare yourself, my Dear, any further pain upon pain.

I would possibly recommend listening to the tapes. It may give you some answers, maybe shed some light on your Mothers situation. To hear her voice again may as well be comforting. You have not said what you believe are on those tapes except that they are an audio diary. It may lend some understanding, it may very well lend to your closure.

More importantly, if your Dad did all this to your Mom, it is doubtful that your pain will impact him as you would like. No, I think it will throw fuel on your fire and make things worse. Why? Because right now, your mind is trying to heal. One gift God does give us is the ability to heal in the sense that we often remember the good over the bad when it comes to someone dying, especially a loved one. By looking at those pictures, you will be left with that vision in your head instead of the ones you now embrace.

Yes, our brains kind of take Poloroid pics of situations, times, scenarios, you know, still shots of people, places and things. Rarely do we have a moving picture of an event. It normally is in still shots. Right now, I'd like you to look within yourself, in your memory archives and tell me and yourself, what pictures are there of your Mother? I'll betcha there are some from the last time you saw her, some from different events in your life and a few from your childhood. It is them that you need to hold on to, hold onto them for dear life. Please don't cloud those images that lay dormant within you with things that your mind may not be able to handle.

See, I consider myself an extremely strong woman. I've seen more than most and heard the battle cry. I've watched as those around me were killed. I thought I was handling it all. But I wasn't. It was coming out sideways, in weird ways. Just in example, when my Father died, I thought I was dealing but I wasn't. One day, I noticed a ring on my neck. Having a medical background I immediately thought it was ringworm. I went to our family Doctor. There I was in the hospital gown, open in the back. As the good Doctor began his examination, he went to my back and was going to listen to my lungs. I felt him open my gown a bit. He walked over and got a hand mirror, had me stand and told me to look at my back. There were rings all up and down my spine, some on the sides. It was the oddest thing I'd ever seen. He immediately knew what it was; Neurodermitis or as it is sometimes referred to as
Neurodermatosis. It is brought on by trauma, a psychosomatic illness.

Long story short, I was not dealing. On the outside, I was as cool as a cucumber in all situations but as the years would unfold, I began to notice things, especially of feeling like I was, "On Point," again, on high alert. Ultimately I would be diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with HyperVigilance. It is and was all to real.

Don't do this to yourself. Spare yourself more pain than your mind can endure. I would love to see you embrace the good memories of your Mother. You know she could be particular and she would not want you to see her like this.
Heed these words.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

100% Ownership


This is an Update from;




Dear Aunt Babz & Xmichra,

Your advice helped some but when you said that is sounds like we were really close, i mean, we still are really close. We practically do everything together, and i definitely understand that everyone fights or thinks poorly of one another for short periods of time as you said, and thats a good thing to keep in mind i guess. Hopefully this feeling about her will go away. Also, when you said that when i thought she was being a bitch she may have just been joking, but its not like that at all, im positive. And most of the time its not that she's being a bitch to me. I just dont like the attitude she has for others. Someone will bump into her on accident in the street and she will go out of her way to make a scene like the person did it on purpose. That kind of stuff actually makes me embarrassed to be with her. Ive made some pretty horrible decisions in my life, but believe it or not, i consider myself to be a really good person. And when she went out with the guy i liked, it wasnt that she took the chance and i didnt. She didnt even know him but i had told her about him, and he ended up being a jerk so she started talking to him to supposedly tell him off, but then she ended up going on a date with him behind my back. I never made a big deal out of it, but i think it really bothered me, i just didnt know it, or show it. I think i have always felt like she was better than me maybe, (for one, ive never had a boyfriend and she goes out with a guy that i liked!?) and wanted to prove that i was better in a way, and maybe that's why i did what i did. And when i did it, i just told myself, well she has done something behind my back too. I know now that it was dumb to think that, but i couldn't help it, its just how i felt. Also, i understand that she may be trying to make it clear how in love her and her boyfriend are. That definitely makes sense, but she knows i know, and she knows im not interested or anything like that. Bleh!..I just wish that i had a boyfriend, and i really just wish our friendship was like it was before there was all this boy drama.

Dear Rachel,


It somewhat concerns me that the “solution” you see is if you had a boyfriend then all of this would go away.


I understand that if you had a boyfriend then maybe your friend would ease up on you with talking about her guy all day long. Or maybe you think that if you had a boyfriend you just wouldn’t care. But I assure you, that is not the problem or the answer.


This is an issue that you have to deal with on your own, because it is your feelings on all this.

I think you are a good person, and I think that what you did (making out with your friends boy) has made you realize that you can’t do that to people no matter the reasons. And I think that is a lesson you will carry forwards in your life.


Given what you have written back, I honestly don’t think that you can handle any more of her antics. What I mean is that you are sick of her attitude with other people. Take for instance the person who bumped into her on the street…. Why didn’t you say something then? Very childish behavior, and that won’t ever get better if you let her get away with it. And for you not to say anything makes it evident to her that you accept the behavior and condone it. Probably not the truth at all. Right? So say something when that stuff happens… my boss (who is way up the food chain in the corporation) likes to say on conference calls “silence is consensus” which means: if you don’t speak up, then you are agreeing with the actions/words of the others you are with.


Also, in regards to her dating this other guy behind your back… was it one date? I only ask because in all reality when people start getting mad at one another a natural chemistry happens. Which sounds really stupid (and it really is) but anger is one of the most common emotions that bond people together. You can absolutely hate someone going into a conversation, but from the heat of words you can see another side of a person… and that sometimes makes for a good relationship starter. It’s a psychological progression from wielding your weapon (your anger and words and psyche) to healing an unwitting target (like saying something above the context which you can see hurting the person, feeling badly for it, and finding common ground to respectfully argue). I am not saying that this is what happened, but it is not beyond reality, it is very common. Still, the point on if it was only one date… if it was, then I would pretty much bank on the above having happened because generally when one feels like they have wounded another they feel compelled to be friends or pay them back. And that feeling fades after whatever “payment” has been replenished (and in that instance it would be an outing). So think about that.


And you have to work on your self-esteem girl. If you are constantly thinking that your friend is diggin’ at you because you are not “worthy” then you will have a lifetime of hurt. You need to figure out that you are good all on your own. You don’t need to prove that to her or to anyone else. And you need to remember that the proof you require is in the respect of yourself. Not by doggin’ on your friends boy. As you can see, that just made things worse for everyone involved.

You do not need another person to validate your worth. You do not need to make yourself a target. And you can ALWAYS “help” what you do. What you choose to do is 100% your own, and you cannot place that blame on anyone else. How you feel doesn’t have to manifest into malice. You are better then that. So live better then that.

As for you and your friend… unfortunately I think you will just have to ride it out. And if she gets more malicious then I would sever ties with her. You two are close, but at what lengths are you willing to stay unhappy??? This has to be a moving on point for you. You and she have been terrible towards each other, and you know this. And now you will learn and move on. And if she doesn’t want to take that journey with you, then you have to do it alone. Jealousy and bottling up feelings will only make this worse and you are more likely to repeat your previous behavior if provoked. So don’t let that happen. Be the good person you know you are.
~~*Xmichra~~

Friday, February 22, 2008

On Front Street

Stop Right There; If you are under 18, you may want to get permission to read this!!!

Hey Aunt B,
I really want to move to Beverly Hills CA but my parents don't i hate living in england so much. I had to move school a few months ago because i was getting bullied the main reason why i want to move is because Beverly Hills is so glamorous, sunny and the schools there seem so much better then in England. Sometimes i feel like because my mum and dad don't want to move there i should just run away and go there on my own, but its not as easy as that. My dream is to become an actress i love doing performing arts in school and i can imagine myself behind a camera. what should i do i know that if i move to Beverly Hills then i can pursue my dreams but my mum and dad don't want to. please help me what should i do? x
Dear X,

Far be it from me to try to burst your bubble as I do enjoy your vim and vigor and your clear cut case of drive. I respect your dream, as well. Mark my words though; You must think things through entirely, all the days of your life, in every situation, especially this one. Imagine you are watching a video tape of your life and your decisions and try to see the end of that movie.

Here in America, many girls have the same dream of fame and fortune. Very few make it. I don't know how old you are but before you do something you'll regret, I'm going to put it all out there for you. We call it putting it all on Front Street. That means I am going to be blunt and tell you like it is.

We'll start at the beginning of this hypothetical tape, this movie of your life;

  1. I don't know any parent who would/could simply pick up and move across the Sea, to sunny California, simply because their child asks them to. So, put away that resentment towards your parents for not accommodating you. It costs a lot of money to move across town much less across the Atlantic Ocean or wherever. There's a lot of paperwork involved as well, Visa's etc.,They'd have to have a lot of "disposable" income, just for starters. They'd have to have jobs set up, a home purchased and Real Estate in California is extremely expensive.
  2. So, you decide to run away? How will you get to America? Plane? That costs at least $800 to $1000. Where will you get that kind of money?
  3. Assuming you somehow make it to Cali, where will you live? With what money will you buy your daily food, even if it's one meal a day?
  4. Oh, so you say you'll get a job? Well, I don't know how old you are but in the States, you usually have to have your parents signature on the Work Permit.
    Read what it says, on the California Labor Laws site. about your required education, too;
    Almost all minors under the age of 18 are subject to California's child labor protections. Under the California Labor Code, "minor" is defined as any person under the age of 18 years required to attend school under the provisions of the Education Code, and any person under age six. "Dropouts" are subject to California's compulsory education laws, and thus are subject to all state child labor law requirements. Emancipated minors, while subject to all California's child labor laws, may apply for a work permit without their parents' permission.
X, I could go on and on. The problem here is I would do you a great disservice, if I encouraged you to follow through with this idea. Furthermore, I would hate for you to end up a statistic, here in the States or even in England, on girls who runaway and end up abused, addicted to drugs and this happens here as well as England and the rest of the world. They didn't think it through. They were not as smart as you and didn't seek counsel, opinion or understanding.

When I write for this Advice Column, I not only write to you personally but I hope others will read these posts. It is my wish for young people, especially, to possibly learn from my own mistakes, from my out and out stupidity. Yes, I was a... "Know-it-All" and you could not tell me a thing. Nope, I had to learn all things the hard way. Then, when I was backed into a corner, a corner that I most likely placed myself in, I felt, often times that I had no choice. But if I learned nothing else in my 49 years is that we have a choice in every single flippin situation. The problem is that we are too impulsive, we jump and we don't think things through. We don't play that tape, that glimpse of our life and what the outcome of our actions will be.

Don't be a
Know-it-All, like I was. Every day, here in America and abroad, girls and guys alike, run away from home, in search of a better life. They never looked at the bigger picture. They were not mature enough to be able to see things as they really are. What I mean by this is that quite often we think we have it real bad at home. Sometimes, this is true. For those that are oppressed by bad parents and are in abusive, neglected, alcoholic, drug addicted homes, it is almost understandable to not want to live in those conditions. God help them.

We get sick of our parents hounding us, sick of being under their rule and hearing such things as, "As long as you live under this roof, you will follow the rules of this house." We think they're just being mean and treating us like we are mindless kids. They tell us when to go to bed, what to eat, who we can hang around with and who we can't. They tell us we have to go to school, when we hate school and feel like those stupid teachers aren't teaching us anything, really anyway. I can remember thinking that I did not need to learn those stupid fractions, where Uganda is, all about Chemistry, I mean really, when was I going to mix chemicals?

They yell at us cause we're on the phone too much and because we don't do our homework and on and on and on. I didn't think I needed that Sex Education class cause I sure knew how to have sex. I even remember thinking I could teach them a thing or two.

I think having to go to school was the biggest thing I felt I didn't need. But I did need it and so do you. You'll need those fractions just to follow a simple recipe. You'll need to know the effects of chemicals mixed. Yes even those household chemicals like bleach and ammonia have the ability to kill you, if mixed. Unless you want to seem like a back woods idiot, there are certain things in life, things they teach in school, just to be able to hold an intelligent conversation and to understand what is being said.

And remember me saying I could teach those Sex Educators a thing or two? Well, it is a bit painful to admit but even at the age of 15, when I thought I knew it all, I didn't. My Step-Mom was on Birth Control. When you take those pills everyday, they give you 30-31 pills to take. There are 7 that are either sugar pills or a low dose of estrogen. They give you those, quite often to keep you in the habit of taking them or to to keep that dose in your system. Normally, you go on your period for those 7- days. Anyway, like an idiot, I saw they were in the linen closet and decided to take one, for a Friday night outing. I was going to a party and figured this would cover me from getting pregnant. How stupid. I did this more than a few times and am only fortunate I did not get pregnant.

Oh, but I did not come out of my teen years unscathed. Just in case you don't read the link I provided, I'll tell you that I became pregnant shortly after my 16th Birthday, after running away from home. But I never thought it would happen to me. Sex Education taught us the rudimentary facts of life but we knew it all, ha!

I have to warn you about what happens to girls who run away, go to the Big Apple/ New York City or to Hollywood with an unplanned, not thought out desire to make it big in show biz...a life of Drugs, Stripping and Prostitution. More often than not, they are led to take care of themselves the only way their unskilled, unschooled, unplanned selves can. You'd be surprised what you might consider doing when you are on the street and hungry!

A job at McDonald's is not going to pay your rent, utilities or food. You have nothing to offer the corporate world and that's the only kind of job you may be lucky enough to get. In case you didn't know it, there is stiff competition out there these days. People with High School Diplomas are even having a hard time getting a good paying job. You'll see people with a college degree finding it difficult to find placement because somebody who had better scores on their SAT's will be considered first.

Yep, to make ends meet so they don't have to sleep on the street, these girls either hook up with some pimp who preys on their vulnerable situation, namely being on the street and he puts them to work. Oh sure, he'll give you a nice warm place to lay your weary self down at night but you can bet you'll be bringing in the money and handing it to him. If you are lucky, he'll buy you a nice outfit, so you'll be a better package on the street. It's cold outside but you are walking those mean streets. You'll be wondering why you ever left the comfort of your home, where there were people who actually really loved you. You'll wish you could be where people love you for you and not just want you for your body.

Many Firsts

Then one day you look in the mirror at someone who's aged beyond their years because they lived a rough life. You won't have any more tears left to cry. You'll be able to understand better than most, just how and why an addict is born; It shuts up the pain. That pain, you brought upon yourself. That addiction, yes, you developed it, first to possibly give you the courage to go out and have sex with a perfect stranger. Yes, you instantly got that courage from a bottle of liquor, that first swig you needed that very first time, you had to take your clothes off in front of howling men hoping they will stick a $1 in your G-String. You do it all just so you had an accumulated bunch of $1 bills to pay the rent for a grimy apartment on the bad side of town.

Or you can stay put, nice and warm with your clothes on, get your education, get a part-time job, save the money, put it aside and work towards your dream. Plan it, be safe and don't become a statistic.

Meet Mrs. Know It All; How to Screw Up Your Life

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

PS, Please make sure you read what Xmichra has personally written to you. It's excellent advice. Chow!

Dear X,

First, I would like to tell you this: DO NOT RUN. Running will never solve your problems, and most certainly will make them 100% worse.

Second: I can understand that you have a dream to pursue, but your parents are trying to be the best parents they can be. They moved you from one school for your own protection and mental health. That should be evidence to you that they love you and would be so tremendously hurt if you were to defy them and choose to move whole countries away from them without looking at solutions in your own home.

Thirdly: what I mean by the above, is that there are plenty of great acting studios, colleges, universities in your area that are world renown AND within your cost of living. Both of which you are NOT guaranteed if you were to move to Hollywood.

Hollywood does seem glamorous, but for the most part it is all a farce. There are thousands of actors and actress wannabe’s there just dying for their “lucky break”, and plenty of those people do unspeakable things (like staring in pornography, taking elicit pictures of themselves, or dealing drugs) just to try and make connections and get known. And not saying that you would do this… but what the heck would you do?? Work at a diner somewhere for minimum wage? Try to live in economized housing or shared living where you are not in the best of environment and need that dinner job just to pay the rent? Then not being able to go to auditions because you have to work? Or worse getting turned down for auditions because you haven’t been schooled?

This has the potential to be the biggest mistake in your entire life. So why risk that? Especially when England has SOOOO much to offer!! Look at this:

http://east15.ac.uk/

http://www.lipa.ac.uk/standard/index.htm

http://www.drama.ac.uk/

http://www.oldvic.ac.uk/

http://www.spa.ex.ac.uk/drama/welcome.shtml

http://www.gsmd.ac.uk/

http://www1.rhbnc.ac.uk/drama/

http://www.act-up.co.uk/

http://www.physicaltheatre.com/main/index.asp

http://actorspace.co.uk/

http://www.mountview.ac.uk/

Those are just eleven of the schools that I found, and they vary in location (London, Bromley by Bow, Birmingham, Lavander Hill, London, Surrey, Exeter, Bristol, Liverpool). And there are hundreds of English actors who have worked their way into the “Hollywood scene” just by being good a their craft. Examples??

Hugh Grant : Won a scholarship to New College, Oxford. He studied English Literature and graduated with upper second-class honors degree. He made his acting debut from and Oxford financed play – “Privileged” and his first big movie was BRITISH not American. He stared in Four Weddings and a Funeral which gave him instant star status.

Orlando Bloom – wasn’t all that great in school (he had dyslexia) so his mother encouraged him to move to London and pursue his strength: acting. He followed a two year A level course in Drama, photography and sculpture at Fine Arts College, Hampstead. Then he joined the National Youth theatre and earned a scholarship to train at the British American Drama Academy. He acted on tv shows in England and then went to Guildhall School of Music and Drama (England) to study acting. After TWO DAYS of graduating from there, he was cast as Legolas in Lord of the Rings, which made Orlando a huge success and a household name (never mind all the awards and fan clubs and what have you).

Want more examples??? There are THOUSANDS:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:English_actors

So, I guess if I were to advise you I would say do your research to follow your dreams. You can have the best of intentions, but if you are not smart about your choices your dreams can fade quickly and you will be left with an emptiness you have never felt. There are plenty of great resources that you can harness, and one of those would be through your own school. Join a drama class. Make your dream happen. But do not think for one second that a fairy with a magic wand just puts these people where they are… it is all earned. And you will have to earn it too.

Good luck to you, and I hope to see you on the big screen one day :)

~Xmichra.

I Will Be Gone




Well Gang, Aunt Babz is moving. Not the website just the Self. I will be away and there may be some delay.
(Did you notice the rhyme? hehehe)
♥´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·' ¤~ {"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.}¤~ ♥

Right to Happiness



This is a new letter, an Update from this question posted as;

Dear Aunt Babz,

I wanted to update you, and possibly get some more advice on this situation (all included below).

Right after Kate and I had the conversation about "what are we?" and she told me that she doesn't want anything serious and all that, I went out with friends, drank a lot, and ended up making out w/ some girl. The next day, Kate called me wanting to know how my night went and I said that I had drank and did something stupid. She wanted to know what and I told her I made out with some girl. She starting asking if I liked this girl, if the girl was cute, etc. I told her no I didnt like this girl and she was kind of cute. Anyways...
Kate asked me to visit her the following weekend, so I did. Kate and I ended up having sex, sober...Kate initiated it. Now she had been the one all along who said "girls can't just have sex."

That was all in early December. Now it's mid-February and we have still be having sex every two weeks when I go visit her. She brought me to her familys estate for a week and we had a fantastic time together. When we left and she went back to her hometown and I went back to mine (in separate states), she wouldnt talk to me for four days. And when she finally did get in touch w/ me, she was annoyed that I was upset that she hadn't talked to me. I had never asked what was going on or anything, i just had sent her a text during those four days asking how she was (because she had been really stressed w/ work). She said "we aren't girlfriends and I dont have to answer to you." I told her that i had just been asking how she was because i care about her. i then told her that im emotionally invested and i wanted to know if she felt the same. she called me the next day and told me that she does not want a girlfriend. she said she doesnt want to have to answer to anyone. blah blah blah. she never said whether or not she has feelings for me.

here's the kicker tho...

my mom works for the airlines and has put both kate and her cousin on her flight benefits list, so they can fly for next to nothing now. i sort of feel like maybe kate is stringing me along in order to use these benefits...?

but she still wants to have sex with me, and she still wants to hang out and have me come visit her.

but i feel like im maybe being used.

and ive fallen in love with her, so it hurts.

i even bought her aretha franklin concert tickets because thats her dream concert. i didnt tell her what the tickets were for, except that they are on valentines day. before i bought the tickets i asked her to be sure that she was free on the days around and on valentines day. she agreed. but now that i bought the tickets and all of the above happened w/ me telling her how i feel about her, she suddenly is saying she has to work on that night. but she says i can come visit the day after if i want. she wants me to come there to go out to clubs and have sex with me. but no strings attached of course.

it all is so painful. and i really care about her and its so hard to walk away from all of this. i dont want to be the bad guy and tell her she cant fly on my moms benefits anymore. i dont want to lose her completely. i would still like to salvage a friendship, but i have no idea how to begin. if i visit her, ill be expected to sleep in bed with her, have sex with her, hold her, etc. but it hurts to bad to do that if i know she doesn't love me back. does that make sense?

where do i go from here? im in pain and im so confused.
what should i do?

thanks so much

-megan



Dear Megan,

I would welcome you to read, again, the post written to you, prior to this. It still applies to this situation. You've just not incorporated it into your systems thinking.

I dare say, this is not a functional relationship. In all this time, it does not seem as if that relationship has grown, really. She may be giving you a few more times together but you seem just as perplexed and confused as you were before.

The key here, the thing to realize is that we can not make others feel the emotions we want them to have. The only control we have in any relationship is to draw a line in the sand and state what we will and will not allow in that relationship. Even if it is only a mental note, to ourselves, we must ask ourselves if we are happy in a stagnated situation? Are you happy? I think not or you'd not be writing me, huh?

Thus far we can accumulate a slew of situations and scenarios that are not ideal, not conducive to your happiness, right? You must make a mental list of those things that you are not happy with. Then, you must ask yourself if you would be afforded any change if you were to mention them? Somehow, I do not believe that your girlfriend would accommodate you in that change. Why? Because I don't think she wants to give you more than this. She has chosen to behave this way and you have allowed her.

Now, I am not implying you are some kind of imbecile that has allowed someone to walk all over you. It couldn't be further from the truth. What I am stating is that I believe you have bent your own personal "rules" your boundaries concerning what you will allow. Yes, I believe you have bent to near breaking.

I think it all comes down to what you will allow to happen in this relationship? Let me remind you that you have a Right to Happiness. You must begin to exercise this right. You must ask yourself what it will take to make you happy. It is important for you to set some semblance of a goal as to where you expect this relationship to go. Then, you must ask yourself, with brutal honesty; Will it ever culminate,
propagate or most of all be a fruitful situation?

You wrote me approximately 3 months ago. How have things changed since then? Have they changed at all and if they did, how did it come about? What I mean is, the thinking behind the scenario. Did your girlfriend do anything differently? Did you say anything that brought about a change? If there was any change at all? Once again, ask yourself, did you bend to make her happy? Did you over look your happiness or even your definition or rules of happiness?

As Janet says, "What have you done for me lately?" Is this a one sided relationship? Right now you are saying, "No, she does stuff for me!" But what I mean is is she as giving in this relationship as you are or is she simply calling the shots, playing the cards as she wants to play them, her rules, her card table and you just follow suit?

Riddle Me This? Since you are not happy as things stand, do you think things will ever change, if and when you mention the fact that you need more? If you can not find it within yourself to speak to her, thinking you'll not get the desired response, I do believe this answers your question?


Thursday, February 21, 2008

Moving Time; Delays


Well Gang, Aunt Babz is moving. Not the website just the Self. I will be away and there may be some delay.

Yes, traffic is a bit backed up and we will get to your letters ASAP!
(Did you notice the rhyme? hehehe)
♥´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·' ¤~ {"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.}¤~ ♥

Quality Not Quantity

Dear Aunt Babz,
I have been married for 1½ years. My husband and I both have ex’s and
children from those relationships. We have a 6-month-old baby.

My husbands’ ex-wife recently relocated 45 miles away from our home. They could not agree on parenting time and school district so they went to court, the judge ordered for the ex-wife to keep the kids for school and my husband would have them for the summer, this decreased his parenting time from 182 days to 120 days/year. He is devastated by this change and cannot live with it. I recently found out that he has been looking for a place to rent in the city where his kids were relocated. I asked him about it and he said that I wouldn’t go with him anyway because my kids are here with us. I agreed that I would not want to leave my children but that he was not losing his kids completely; he still has them on the weekends during the school year and all school breaks, including the summer. I tried to tell him if that were me in the same situation I would appeal the decision, but I would continue to stay home because they are not really that far away and we both work in the city of relocation and could see them any day. Neither of us know what to do from this point, I am extremely hurt that he would just up and leave his new family over this. Any advice would be awesome!

Dear Reader,

Good grief do I feel for you. I mean anything you say will look like you are being selfish and not understanding. But I do not believe this is how it is I do think you care and as well you are looking at things from all angles.

I mean I don't have the entire story but enough to deduce that Dad is extremely caring. In this day and age that is not rare but you see so many dead beat Dad's, now don't we? So, it is a breath of fresh air, when you hear of a Dad that would go to such great lengths. But is he really thinking this through?

This whole situation is not a win/win one, now is it? The best you can hope for is some form of compromise and fresh perspective. I do give Dad credit for his purpose and drive to be or have more time with his children. As well, I can completely understand your questions concerning that drive?

I would hope you could somehow share this letter with him. There's no harm here as I do not know you nor will I ever, right? It's not airing your dirty laundry to a girlfriend or co-worker in fact this is safer. You are simply asking for opinion. Maybe even a fresh pair of eyes and ears right?

It all comes down to the power of deducement on "our" parts. I have a few questions and a few observations to offer...

Dad,

A few simply questions; I would ask you, if your motive for going way out in left field and possibly renting an apartment is only and solely so you may spend more time with your children?

For lack of a better way or more diplomatic way of asking this, are you pissed because your ex wife was awarded what appears to be more actual custody? If you've dug in deep, in all honesty, you may see this? I don't know? I may be wrong? Either way your fatherhood looks exemplary and that is surely not in question.

If we do the math, just as you've done in your letter, "
this decreased his parenting time from 182 days to 120 days/year" we see that as always, there are ways of seeing things in a different light. As you try to regain some of those hours by moving closer and purchasing/renting another apartment, you must realize that whilst filling those hours, bridging that gap, your family, your current family and children will most certainly fall in the category of casualty in this war. It's just a natural fact that while you are gone, with travel time and so forth, your baby is left behind, your wife, yes the one you married, now, as in present and not past tense, will be without you as well.

It boils down to "Quality not Quantity," my friend. Remember this, please?



Dear Erica,

Wow. I don’t know how to answer this one. I mean, on the one hand it seems like a no brainer, he made his choices (separating from his ex, marrying you and having another child… so this I would qualify as “moving on”) so he should live with his choices and like you said, appeal.

But on the other hand… those are his kids. And as sure as you are about not wanting to move away from your children, even if you could make a day trip… he is reacting the same way.

So it’s hard to actually find what the best solution would be. Especially since so many people have less sympathy for the father in these cases… and because there are other elements involved.

So instead of spouting off what I think would be the best thing (which I couldn’t do anyways) I think I will ask you this: what do you think will happen if he stays and doesn’t move? You said that he is devastated and cannot live with the decision that was made. Maybe this looking for an apartment thing is somewhat like temporary insanity, where he is looking at just being closer to his kids at any cost without really looking at the bigger picture. Maybe he didn’t think that the picture would involve his kids moving away from him. Maybe he thought that his moving on wouldn’t affect his life that much because his kids would still be near him. And maybe he is ready to snap.

Is there no way that you and your kids could move to the city as well? You didn’t mention your custody situation so I thought that I would ask. But maybe that would be the solution you need, since it keeps all the family together.

I don’t think that he is thinking clearly though. I know that you referenced yourself as the new family… but that is also pretty unfair. Both to you and him. His children are still his children regardless of who he is partnered with. And you aren’t the new wife, you are his wife and partner and that deems more respect then a title of new.

Honestly I think you need to seek out a therapist to help you through this. You are hurt (and rightfully so) but so is he. And sometimes when it comes to our kids we do crazy things and go to crazy lengths to be with them. And maybe it won’t work out. But if you want a shot at it you both need to talk about it and to both make compromises. After all, if the shoe were on the other foot so to speak, could you do the same?

I hope that there is a solution for you two and everyone involved. And I hope babs maybe can answer a little better!!

Take care, and I hope things work out for you.

~Xmichra

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Ones Own Trap???



Well Gang, Aunt Babz is moving. Not the website just the Self. I will be away and there may be some delay.



♥´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·' ¤~ {"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.}¤~ ♥

Dear Aunt B,
(this might be long) My friend and I have been best friends since the first grade and are now in our senior year of high school. We have been through A LOT of fights but they were mostly small fights that we get over in a day. We are so close that we act like sisters and it feels that way sometimes, but other times i can't stand her. She can be a rude, self-centered, spoiled bitch. First however, i have to tell you, we both haven't been good friends to each other. She went out with a guy that i had a huge thing for. Then, last year i made out with the guy that she really liked behind her back. She never knew and they started going out, then it happened again. So basically he cheated on her with me, but all we did was kiss, which is still bad. Anyway, this was all a big secret until this past summer when i spilled the beans out of guilt. She was obviously extremely upset but she managed to forgive the both of us somehow. Her forgiving me really made me love her more, but now I find myself hating her. She has actually always pretty much been like this, and im pretty much the only one who would put up with her, but now i dont know if i want to anymore. I feel so dumb sayin this about her when im the one who betrayed her, but i cant help it. One of the things that bothers me so much is that ALL she talks about is her boyfriend! The one that cheated on her with me! I dont want to hear about her dumb ass boyfriend! He's an idiot! I even tell her that she talks about him all the time and she still does it. I could probably go on and on about all the little things she does that bug me but ill just sum it up now and ask what do i do? I really hate drama so I don't really want to say ' i do not wish to be your friend any longer' and have this huge fight and avoid each other at school. But at the same time, i feel so trapped in our friendship. What do you think?


Dear Anonymous,

I think it sounds like you two were really close. But it also sounds like this last act has pulled you two apart.

Even the very best of friends get into fights or think poorly of one another for short periods of time. And that is because ultimately we are all different people, and we all feel differently about things. Take for instance you called her a rude self centered bitch at times. And that may very well be the truth: to you. Maybe she feels like she is joking around when you feel she is being rude. Maybe she feels like if you won’t ask a guy out, that’s your problem, which yes is a little self centered and bitch like. But it’s also going for what you want in life, which isn’t all that bad either (unless it is to be purposefully vindictive, then that’s horrid. But that’s a different point).

But this last act here. Where you have done something that she has had to either forgive or forget… well I don’t think that she has and neither have you.

She wants to make it clear to you how in love her and her boy are, and how well they are doing despite his big huge horrible mistake with you. And that is how she will go on about that. She is marking her territory because she is afraid of the predator, which in this case is you.

You can’t stand this because in the back of your head you think that you could steal this guy. Admit it. You think that the best reality check in the world for your girlfriend here would be to see this guy for what he really is, and to put her in place. This is what is pissing you off. That is quite apparent from what you have written. And if you think at all that this guy is an idiot and a jerk, and you do feel like your friend is better off without him, it might be more tempting to do something about it.

So no wonder you feel trapped. Of course it is a trap you have made for yourself, but it doesn’t mean that you have to live in it.

Distance yourself a little bit from her. Do something to which you know she wouldn’t have the time for (like a Friday night aerobics class for example. She won’t want to give up her date night). Then about two weeks of that, grab another class after school (say you want to stick to the program and the instructor had a spot open on Tuesdays for an example) Just gradually keep getting involved with things that do not require her to be present. And she will fill her time with this boy I am sure. And either they will break up and you two will be fine, or they will stay together and it won’t matter because you have other things to do and have preoccupied your time.

If a fight roles out from it, it will look juvenile on her part to have bitched you out because all you are doing is living your life – you never put a wedge between the two of you.

Basically what has happened is the consequence of actions. And now you need to do what you can to live your life, and learn from this. Keeping secrets and betraying friends is far more costly to you and your life the being honest and staying true. So learn that lesson, but move on. You still deserve the best life you can give yourself.

Take care, and good luck.

~Xmichra.





Saturday, February 16, 2008

I Will Be Gone


Well Gang, Aunt Babz is moving. Not the website just the Self. I will be away and there may be some delay.



♥´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·' ¤~ {"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.}¤~ ♥

Choose To Be You

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hey, after asking the question again and again but never getting an answer or being to ashamed to ask the people around me, i finally come to my lovely computer. please help, its a very long and confusing story, at least too long for me.
oh, and can you please reply back via email, my computer wont bookmark any sites or keep history.
ok, try to make it short and i ask that you try not to be to judemental about it because i just sort of slip into things from time to time. Just read till the end cause its more than one thing and it just all came to me a few days after i went out for Marti Gras. Ok, i'm almost out of highschool, never had a boyfriend but been around plenty of guys i can click with. I might just not attract many guys as it is, but i'm not sure if it's bad luck or attitude or what? Something always happens at the last moment. Either we can't see each other again, things cool off, or some other girl moves in or just something really random. With the guy i took to homecoming, i really liked him and we went as friends. one of my friends asked him to a sorority dance at homecoming, he said yes, and met his current girlfriend on the dance floor. now she is keeping me away from him and wont even look at me. When we do have to talk about english projects, she will bring him up randomly. "I have no idea what i'm going to do with james this week end" i smoove it over, i have to "well it's pretty cold out, he might just want to stay in or see a movie" but it still make me want to kill her. She has done this before. I feel like i can only get whats left after she is done. I don't even know how she does it, she isn't that atractive and snaps at people constantly. sorry if i'm brooding. The next thing that happened, i kinda like this guy in my chem class, but he is really shy, so am i, a little, and he is impossible to get to. i was pretty optimistic about getting closer to him till i over herd his conversation with an older girl in our class, i wasn't ease dropping, i cant help it if she sits right by me and almost yells it. "I wouldn't give you 2 more than a month, you never see each other, never talk, and have you seen her dorm, its a total sh*t hole" looks like he's got a thing for college girls........
now the last one is the longest story. I can't stop thinking about him since and blush every time i do. I met him at a party a while ago, haven't seen him since, talk about disheartening. My older cousin said that i needed to relax a bit. So she took me with a bunch of her and her friends to the Marti Gras parade. I ended up appsolutly drunk in the middle of a field, in god knows where, sitting on a tailgate in front of a bon fire with 12 other people. For a minute i thought "how did i get here again?" but then some one smoved to over with another drink. turns out when i'm compleatly drunk, i smile like an idiot, at everyone. But at the bon fire i met Jay. we had introduced ourselves at the parade when i was just a little more than tipsy. So we keep talking and drinking around the bon fire. he would pull me back evey time some guy put as in the fire cause the wood was wet and the flame would die. and i would bury my face in his jacket evey time the smoke blew in our direction. about an hour in a half later, most the people had left. thats when the guy who was putting gas in the fire slashed his palm to his wrist on a beer bottle when he got into a fight with his brother. so my cousin went to take him to the hospital and left me drunk in the field, in the middle of nowhere with Jay. We sat on the tale gate for another 2 and half to 3 hours playing drunken guessing games them talking about more important things like school, friends, family, college, and how we really didn't understand the drama that happened the whole night. Turns out he was 19 and majoring in agicultural bussiness. he was really honest too, he said he thought it was a little strange that i had never been in a relationship. I was really comfortable with him and we got along really well. By the end of the night we were curled up on the tale gate with my head on his shoulder when some guy breaks in and says some one may have called the cops and that we needed to clean things up. He asked if my cus was coming back for me and i said i didn't know, he said he would make sure i got home. probably 20 minutes later, and after we found half a bottle of vodka randomly lieing in the field, go figure, my cousin comes back and drags me off, not before i gave him a hug and said i hope i would see him again, he said definetly, then we left. my cus kept on asking me if he hit on me. i said no of course. Now i kinda worder why i was so different then. Not only did alot of guys hit on me, i also ended up getting really comfortable and close with some one i had just met. I don't want to chalk it up to being drunk, that would mean i wouldn't be able to be so close to people unless some one gave me a bottle of vodka. I wonder why i can't be so approachable in my daily life. it was just so easy to get close to people. and it kinda upests me. Like i can't make it work out with a guy? also knowing that i'm probably not going to see him again. I do miss him and i'd like to see him when i'm sober. i wonder if he would like me if i were sober. It really does hurt that i probably won't see him again or be remotely that comfortable with some one normally.
i would be forever greatful if you could help me with my problem or tell me what my problem is.
till later
steff

Dear Steff,

Everything sounds normal. You sound normal, is what I'm saying. You may just need to polish up your approach and maybe a little self-esteem study? The Doctor also orders a little dose of Empowerment. May I suggest you read as much as you can, letters written to others who've written in with similar issues. On my sidebar are labels. Check out as much as you can on Empowerment, Self Esteem and any thing with the label Aunt B's Bitch Belt.

If I've learned nothing, in this 49 years of mine, it's that life is completely perspective. What I mean is we have winners and losers. We have people who've been dealt some crappy cards but choose to rise above it. We have people who've been handed everything and all; good looks, money, life of privilege. Do not envy them ever. For that matter, never envy anyone. You be you and be damn good at being you.

My point is this, as I stated in a recent post, What Defines You?,

"You are 3 People."

I am who I am;

I am who you think I am

I am who I think I am

I am who I really am
It's all perspective. As well, all life is about choice. Remember these words, if you remember nothing from this, "All life is choice." It's a matter of what we choose to do, in the best and worst of times. But we always have a choice. Often times we may not see it right away. Often times because of this, we make hasty, frivolous and stupid decisions. But one thing's for certain, when it's all said and done, when you are my age, you will begin to look back and see that in every instance, you had a choice as to how you handled a gift life hands you, an adversity and an every day situation. Even more importantly, you have a choice how people perceive you. You must remember these words, all the days of your life.
Choose to be;

  1. Good
  2. Pretty
  3. Fair
  4. Just
  5. Honest
  6. Truthful
  7. Truth to Self
  8. Assertive
All else will fall into place if you strive to be all these qualities. You will be pretty inside and out, if you so desire. Remember this!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz



Dear Steff,

This will sound really stupid, but your problem is that you don’t actually have a problem, but you can quickly get into one if you are not careful.

Sounds to me like you are a pretty introverted person, and that is fine. But you may need to come out of your shell a little bit more often and take a few risks. Not big risks, but talking to guys doesn’t have to be a difficult task. After all, they will likely say something completely stupid during the conversation. We all do. And then it won’t feel so complicated. So don’t’ be afraid to say something.

With the examples that you provided it sounded like you waited to long to let the guys know you liked them. And that is really frustrating to you, and I can understand that. But if you don’t do something or speak up, they will move on. So try not to be so shy, guys are not mind readers.

Huge words of caution here though:

Drinking lowers inhibitions and what may seem like a great “ice breaker” for you to muster your courage can quickly become the worst day of your life. When we drink we do not have the regular thought process that we normally possess. This is because alcohol affects every part of the body.

Alcohol is carried through the blood stream and goes into organs, muscles, your brain, everywhere. And it affects the central nervous system in your brain. This is what causes you to feel more lose or relaxed, comfortable, or in reverse irritable aggressive or feel like you cannot be injured. It is a chemical response that happens, and you don’t really know what is going to happen until it does.

Many things can happen while you are drinking. You are more likely to make decisions that you will regret like dancing on tables, stripping, having sex with a person you barely know, having unprotected sex. There are tons of stories out there, just take a listen. Any person who has ever drank alcohol to the point of intoxication has at least one story of making poor if not life altering choices.

Also through this crazy altering of your central nervous system you lose the ability to know what is going on around you. Multitudes of women each year are raped, molested, or killed while under intoxication. And those who survive regret ever taking that drink because they know that they wouldn’t have ever been in the situations to become hurt if they were sober.

*******************************************************

I know that this is a hard reality to deal with, but you do not want this to be the result of needing to loosen up a little. Especially when you can learn to loosen up a little on your own.

So make sure that you are being smart about this and try to do a few things to let a guy know that you are interested. Talking to the guy will help a lot. If you are too shy to talk to a guy, how can you expect him to know that you are interested?? So you need to talk with the guy and at least make him know you are in the room. Then from there, keep a good rapport. Asking for help with a project, a pen, if they have plans for lunch. Whatever you feel comfortable with. Just make sure that you are putting yourself in the position for the guy to know you like him.

Men are not rocket scientists when it comes to women, and women are very confusing sometimes when trying to get attention. So make your intentions clear. At first, you will want to be friends with a guy, so what is so hard about asking him to sit with you? Or what is hard about asking him for coffee? You would do this with a girl that you wanted to be friends with right? So don’t be afraid to take your relationships into your own hands. And if the answer is no, then that’s fine. You didn’t invest a whole lot of energy and time brooding about it, and move on. No big deal.

Don’t’ worry so much, you are just shy. I am sure that you will do fine, as long as you keep your wits about you and you stay true to yourself.

~ Xmichra.